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male
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anonymous
writes: I am 24 years old and I have found the girl of my dreams. She is 25 and I want to marry her and she wants to marry me. We have done every thing the right way, I have told my parents and she has told her parents. Her parents invited us around to their house so we can take the marriage talks further.Everything went really well and after we left both families were really happy.When I spoke to her a few hours later she told me that her parents have said NO!! I thought she was joking but she was not.Her father has said no because he thinks we are a lower cast. He was not happy with her getting married in the first place. He was against my family coming around and he also said that he does not want her to ever get married. He has planned for her siblings to get married but not her. She is the eldest of 5 children.We have tried on numerous occasions to get them to understand that we are not what they think, but they will not listen to anyone. We have given them the opportunity to ask who ever they want to find out the truth, but they have said we already know so why should we.They have now made the girls life a misery because her father does not talk to her and has not for the last year and her mother is always saying really bad things to her. They treat her really bad they don't make her dinner but they do for everyone else they make her walk to work in the cold weather. They are always making really bad comments. They are emotionally black mailing her by saying if she is to marry me then she is never aloud to come home or contact any member of her family also that she will end up killing her father if she was to leave. She will not leave her family because she loves them so much.She is such a good person that no matter what they are saying or doing she still treats them with love and respect. When ever anyone tries to speak to her father about it he pretends that his blood pressure rises and he feels sick. They will not listen to reason. My father called to speak to her father and he lied and said that the whole family is saying no (its just him), my father said that if there is anything they would like to know or they aren't sure about then please talk to us. Her dad said its nothing to do with your family you are a very good family and are very respectable it is just that she is not ready to get married. So please drop the subject.It has now got to the stage where her father is trying to get hold of my number to warn me off and he is saying that if he is ever to see me he will do some thing. My parents are now saying to me that if they wont agree and she cant make a decision then I have to leave her. I am the last responsibility my parents have.I do not want to leave her and I will fight for however long it takes but I some times feel selfish.I don't know what to do anymore. I am now suffering from depression and because of all the stress she is going threw her health has gone down hill. She is not eating properly and she gets really bad head aces. Her periods have become irregular she is having them every 3-4 months. She has loads of pains in her body.We have explained to her family that we are not a lower cast and even if we were cast has nothing to do with Islam!! but they will not listen and have gone as far as saying that the prophet said that we are not allowed to marry lower cast!It is just her father that is causing the problems. Everyone else still wants it to go ahead but they don't want to go against her father.We have no one to turn to on her side of the family, no one is willing to step up and help.They are planning to take her Pakistan in the summer. According to them its just because she needs a break because she is under a lot of stress and so she can see the family (if they cared about the stress they wouldn't do what they are). But I am really worried about her going to Pakistan.This has been going on for over a year and half. She still thinks that every thing will work out and things will happen the way we want but I don't see it getting betterPLEASE HELP
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female
reader, Jordan +, writes (21 December 2005):
 well i think thats wrong you both are grown and can make your own decisions and the way they are treating her not feeding her etc..is abuse and needs to be takin seriously like maybe telling the police or some one like that because my father is a cop and he has taught me all about those kind of things and it's wrong and maybe her father is just afraid of losing her or maybe he's just phsycotic and they have no right to tell you guys if you can or can't get married n on another note if you can u could talk your girl into eloping so they can't stop you and can't object or anything but i hope everyhting works out for you n i hope your girl gets better
Love always,
Jordan
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2005): lol, her parents have no power to stop you getting married.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (1 December 2005):
Hello there,What this girls family is doing to her is abuse, by not feeding her, but feeding the other children, by making her walk in cold weather- thats neglect. They are also emotionaly abusing her by black mailing her emotionally, putting her down and such. That is very wrong and im pretty sure you know that. And to add to that they are controlling her, they have her in fear to do what she may want to do, but she wont because of that fear. That is wrong too. But it must be very hard for her to just leave her family, as it seems to me they have kind of done some brainwashing techniques to her and after all she is there family and with there emotioanl blackmail it makes it hard for her to step up! This isn't just something that osmone can just do. I think after all she has been through, counselling would help her alot. I suggest you get her into counselling straight away. Also what about you? You must feel well beyond terrible, like you said depressed. This must be very hard to cope with, you must feel exhausted and tired of doing this for 1 and a half years. Its hard to keep up hope and faith to isnt it? I think it would be best for you if you saw a counsellor to, as you described your own feelings a depressive. Even if you werent to be as such diagnosed with depression, it would be deffintly useful for you to go and talk and learn how to cope with al lthis and what to do. Im sorry if i wasnt much help, but i think what needs ot be done is this girl has to understand how her family has treated her is not right and has to learn how to step up 2 them and its something that can take some time but needs to be guied through with a professioanl as its a very deep issue. take care and GOOD LUCK!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2005): Your girlfriend seems like she may be trying to protect you from the truth, while protecting herself from perhaps something that is much, much worse.Your girlfriend has probably always known her fate (as where marriage is concerned) her whole life. She has perhaps feared this day - more than anyone suspects and has for the sake of the inevitable, has chosen to put it out of her mind - at least for the time being.You might try to keep in mind that gender, has considerable differences and concequences can be for some - life ending. Being a women in some cultures truly can mean you are seen as less than equal to men and tho she may never have shared these very real and extremely serious matters with you, she may have been trying to protect you too.She may love you more than life, but perhaps, not more than her own life. No one can blame her for what could and what does happen to women in her culture every single day. Young, Middle Eastern women are murdered each year (many even born in the western culture) they are murdered because of bringing disrespect upon her family. She knows the fate of women who have rebeled against their families, and she also knows the reality it could bring.It's not very likely she will risk love for her life. I wouldn't, and I don't think many people would, but don't think that because she won't marry you, that she loves you any less. Seems to me, that her body is showing signs of extreme stress disorder and this may very well be because of how much she loves you and how deeply she wants to be with you but she loves her family too. You need to ask yourself a very difficult question, and that is, "do I love her enough to let go?" -The pain she feels of knowing that she will never get to keep a love she already shown is worth marrying you for - is for myself, an unfathomable feeling of perhaps the most sadness one could ever experience where love is concerned. I think if you allow her to know that anything she may want to share with you, is safe with you, you may find her opening up to you what she's been keeping from you. You may also find that once she does, that she has the best love you could give her right now. Unconditional love.Best of luck.Cheyenne
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