A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello I've started dating a girl who is of a Sikh background, I'm English (no religion too), and she told me in their culture it's supposed to be disrespectful for a girl to have a boyfriend or something similar, which i find sexist and ridiculous and that she must marry a Sikh man... which i also find incredibly racist but there you go. Anyway, she told her parents but they did not approve and it makes things difficult. What do I do?If it's of any use, I'm 20.. she's 18. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (16 April 2015):
 You should leave this alone and not cringe if your relationship breaks down. Some cultures go out of their way to keep their women married in their culture. Some of these cultures may even inflict great deal of harm to the girl if she is involved or insists on a marriage outside their religion. Some women are killed outright. You may think it's racist or sexist but to them it is normal to reinforce their honor.
Incidentally, my Hindu collage friend was in love with this Sikh girl and like you, she was forbidden. They married her off to some Sikh guy she never saw. Few years later my friend told me that she got divorced and plans on moving in with him. They got married eventually. So you never know.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 April 2015):
 It can be hard for someone who has grown up in a "you can be with whomever you love" society to understand the various caste and fundamentalists religions - I think it's less about you "contaminating" her, more about you being a UNSUITABLE partner because you can not support her faith and raise your kids the right way. And I think.... her parents know that most Western Cultures engage in premarital sex (not permitted in the Sikh faith either)
This is a quote from ONE of the RULES a Sikh lives by:
2. Killing a daughter or to give a daughter (in marriage) to a non-Sikh, such a person commits great offence. Sikh should give his daughter (in marriage) to a Sikh. Thus Gurmukh meets a Gurmukh. Giving a daughter to a Bhadni (non-Sikh) is like giving nectar to a snake. (Rehatnama Bhai Desa Singh)
So you see, in their religion it IS as bad to KILL a daughter as it IS to "let" her marry a non-Sikh.
Many Catholics, Jewish people, Muslims avoid interfaith dating AND marriage. It's not just Sikhs.
I have to say, that she MAY not BE for you. And dating you... can make her life MUCH harder than it needs to be. If she KNOWS that YOU can have NO part in her future (be it a relationship with sex OR marriage), then WHY is she with you? Maybe you are her little pre-marital rebellion?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 April 2015):
 I think you should leave these people alone and not try to contaminate their bloodline. She's basically telling you that she's listening to her parents and that she will date you until her parents tell her she's ready to get married to a sikh man.
You just started dating her. It shouldn't be hard to detach before a deep connection is formed. You may feel that love should conquer all but when it comes to an oppressive culture it is wise not to dabble with it, or to convince her to rebel against her parents. She has too much to lose without her family. One may ask why even date if everyone in her culture goes straight to marriage? We all grow up wanting to be free, and assume that love is free until she's shown who really has the power. It's people like these that made me ask, "Why me why even bother? You date me just to tell me I am not good enough for your family?" Maybe at least she tried and there's nothing else you can do.
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