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male
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anonymous
writes: I have been in an international relation ship with a girl from Japan. I am from south Asia for the last 3 yrs. When we met I was a virgin and she was not. Any way, we have been living together for the last 2 years. She and I are the same age.When we stated this relationship I had to struggle to get with her for 1 year, she was engaged to some one else for over a year at that time. When we started things weren’t as rosy as I had expected. We had constant fights. From my point either she has some serious mental issues or may be it was just mood swings. I really and truly love this girl, I want to marry her. Recently the situation seems to have stabilized so I introduced her to my parents. I always thought I could never find any girl like her. But recently again she seem to be getting really angry and things that make no sense at all. What worries me the most is she has started talking about committing suicide when I indicate that this relationship is not working and may be it is time for us to reconsider? I am concerned if I go ahead and marry her, how would she behave and after words. I don’t want to get into a marriage unless I am 200% sure. I have almost given up and feel I have wasted 3 years of my and her life. It is very difficult to talk to her as when ever we have a fight she locks her self in the room and refuses to open the door. When I try to negotiate with her from outside the answers I get from her make no sense. She blames me for things that never even happened. Please tell me is there any point in going on just write of the last 3 years and hope I can find some one in the future.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (21 May 2006):
 You feel like you've "wasted" the last three years, but how would you feel about being locked into this pattern until you die? That's what marriage to her will be like.
Unless your girlfriend has given clear indications that she knows what's causing her moodiness and anger, and unless she's taken steps to improve her response to whatever the trigger is, and until this improvement is sustained -- you're going to have this to deal with forever.
It doesn't sound like any of that has happened, so I'd advise you to break it off with her. Of course you can find another person to love. There are more than 3,000,000,000 potential partners on the planet!
Three years isn't such a long time, compared to the rest of your life. When you ask yourself what will she be like "afterwards" if you marry, I can answer that for you: No better and probably worse. After all, if you tolerated this kind of thing when you were only living together, why would she need to rein it in when you're legally joined?
No, please don't marry her. Take some time apart and re-evaluate what you want in a partner. I think with some time and distance from her, you'll decide this is not how you want to spend the rest of your days.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2006): Has she thought about seeking more professional help?
Or does she not agree with you that there is any thing wrong with her?
To some level you shouldn't expect that she will act any differently when you are married from how she is now. If you want to marry this girl you will have to accept her for who she is, mood swings and arguments included.
If she knows she has a problem, and wants to tackle it by seeking help, I think there is a possibility that her negative behaviour will change, but if not, you need to accept that she is who she is, and that if this is causing you problems then perhaps she isn't the right girl for you.
If she is your "first" then I can understand why you are holding on to this relationship, but you have to have strength in knowing that she isn't the -only- one for you out there and perhaps finding someone who is less difficult would be much better for you. Good luck with whatever decision you decide to take.
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