A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend has a male best friend, they have been friends for years, he has a romantic interest in her, however she said she was very clear with him about she wants to be with me and not with him. They go out together for lunch, to the movies and even to the zoo together. this is making me feel real uncomfortable because I know for sure he still likes her, always been and I dont like them going out on what it looks to be "dates" in my opinion. I don't want to be controlling and ask her to stop seeing him, as this only will make him more attractive to her, what should I do? we are long distance, have been for 2 years together, we live in diferent countries, because of school she had to move back to her country so we see each other every three months and stay together for one month at at time. we plan to close the gap in one year. due to the circumstances, do you think it's appropriate? how would you address this issue?
View related questions:
best friend, long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers.
To: WhenCowsAttack, Does your friend has a romantic interest in you too? and if so, does your husband knows about it? Dont get me wrong, Im trying to figure out how to deal with based in the experience of other pals.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2014): Get yourself a local girlfriend. He can offer her what she needs; and you can only see her every three months or so.
She isn't being the least bit honest. She has her cake and she's eating it too. She has someone to take her on dates and to spend time with. While stringing you along, and enjoying getting her ego stroked by two men competing for her.
You choose to hang on to a woman who lives in another country seeing another man, and want advice on what to do with it?
Common-sense alone should tell you that "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush." She has someone who cares for her and can be with her.
You'd rather be miserable clinging to someone hundreds of miles away; rather than let go and find someone you can spend your time with. The discomfort is more self-inflicted than he is causing you.
It's time to bring your long-distance romance to an end; and enjoy the benefits of having a real-live romantic-partner like she has. She is smarter than you are. She wins whether you go or stay.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 March 2014):
 I don't think it is appropriate either, because it isn't a friendship when one of the two wants more. It simply is not a friendship any longer, it is unrequited love from the one part, and really, the other part is just taking advantage/leading it on. It's not a friendship.
However, what I think, and what you think, doesn't really matter much in this. You can't force her to do something she doesn't want to, all you can do is ask her to respect you. And, looking at it strictly, as long as she is not going across the line with him, and sticks to her "friendship"-side of the relationship, then she will argue and argue until her face is blue that she should be allowed to carry on, and you will never win that argument. All it will result in is you being alienated and this will become an even bigger problem.
Now, what I would do in your shoes is to tell her very honestly what I think and how I feel about it, without pointing any fingers or making any demands. Keep it simple. You don't find it appropriate as he wants more, and thus it is not a platonic friendship. And while you do not have a problem with platonic friendships, you do have a problem with one-sided courting that is being led on. However, that is just your opinion. Inform her of it as a matter of fact, and nothing else. Let her know you trust her to do the right thing and make the right decisions, and if she feels it actually is only friendship and he doesn't want more, and she feels comfortable about it all, then you trust her instincts on it (and lets face it, if you can't trust her instincts with other guys, you shouldn't be in a relationship with her).
Just let he know where the line is in your book. People have different "gray zones". Let her know what's in the gray zone for you, and what is crossing the line. Such as prolonged hugs for example, or caressing, or laying together on a bed, or, in this case: holding hands at the zoo or going on "dates" when it's just her and him.
Again, stress that you do not wish to tell her what to do, but that a relationship requires communication, and it is better to tell her how you feel rather than let frustration and resentment build up.
Then just leave it at that. Don't forbid anything or demand anything unless you are actually willing to walk away/it is a deal breaker. In the big picture, there will always be some guy/girl in both of your lives who will become extra close, and there is a need for some ground rules. Then again, you wouldn't want her to tell you who to be friends with or not, so don't tell her either. If he wants more, and she knows you're not comfortable about this "friendship", and if she respects you and loves you, all it takes is for this "friend" to come a little too close, and she will open her eyes to it and get rid of him, without you interfering. Just be there for her if she does get rid of him, don't say "I told you so", just be there for her and be understanding and nice to her. She'll love you even more for supporting her.
...............................
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (19 March 2014):
Nothing good can come of you trying to prevent their friendship.
I too,have a male best friend that I go do many of the same sorts of things with him. I adore my husband for trusting me completely and not being at all threatened by it. Especially given that women tend to throw themselves at my buddy as he has those" traditional" movie star good looks.
To me, he's just my pal. Good friends are hard to come by, and I'd be pretty bitter if I was asked to stop hanging out with him. Especially since we've been friends since long before I met my husband- he knew about my friendship from the start.
My advice to you is to use whatever positive self talk you can to move past it. And get to know the guy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2014): For me, no it's not at all appropriate. How I would have dealt with it is not to be with her at all, never mind two years.
The way I see it he's a pseudo-boyfriend masquerading as a friend. Because he's not interested in friendship, he wants more so he's pretty much just biding his time, watching, waiting and hoping and there is no way in hell I find that acceptable.
I also have very little respect for a woman (or man even) who will take advantage of that kind of situation, and use someone's feelings in that way for emotional comfort and "friendship". I really don't think it's fair to feed a person's feelings in that way and keep them hanging on. Because you and I well know, OP, it doesn't matter what you tell a person with a crush, it doesn't matter how "clear" you make something if you spend a lot of time close to them, they'll always hold that hope.
Now if she's a similar age as you, OP, then unless she's really dim, she knows this too and is therefore intentionally using him to fill in the gaps left behind by not having you around.
How I would deal with it two years in is the same as how I would have dealt with it the moment I found out I'd have to share her with another man. It may never be anything sexual between them but emotionally she is being romanced by two men. I've been there before a few times and I simply won't tolerate it, because at the end of the day you can't make her choose as that would make her unhappy, and that defeats the point of even being with a woman.
She can swear all she likes that nothing's happening, but already too much has. She quite simply doesn't have as much room in her life for you to not need to have the other guy and it will never be a case of "just friends" because he wants more.
For me there is only one option, and that's to leave them to it and walk away.
She wants her cake and eat it, he just loves to fill on for you when you're not there too, and I literally cannot stand the type of guy who hovers around a woman waiting for things to fall apart for her so he can make his move when she's vulnerable. I also cannot stand a woman who would knowingly think it's okay to have a guy like that hanging around, knowingly or not.
The options you have are:
Accept it. Which after two years I can't really see happening.
Stick around, try to stick it out hoping they'll eventually cop on and let it grow into an even bigger problem.
Try and make her choose. Which just will not go well in any way at all. Even if she did choose you there would just be a growing resentment and she'd feel controlled.
Walk away, with your pride and dignity intact but also feel incredibly hurt that you lost a woman you no doubt love.
Again I'd rather pick the short term utter desolation that is a break up I know I'll also recover from quickly enough, than a long drawn out battle of wills with a Grima Wormtongue acting douchebag who can't get his own woman. Because no matter what you do, you'll always look like the dickhead of the equation by not accepting it.
You have to think long and hard about what you can accept in life, OP and whether you really have a future with a woman who doesn't find you enough and also needs her emotions nourished by a complete sycophant.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP Here. They may have history together, A while ago I read some conversation between she and her friend ( I know, that was bad) suggesting that they had something together when she came back to her country and that was when she decided to tell him she was not interested in him and prefered to be with me. she doesn't know anything about this. however, if she doesn't want anything to do with him, why does she still going out with him knowing his intentions? Red flag?
...............................
|
