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anonymous
writes:I am from INDIA. Let me make an honest confession. Sheer frustration has prompted me to write this. I am a married man aged 48 years. I am in love with my cousin brother’s wife since last 4 years. She is 34. Has a girl child aged 7 yr. Her husband is loving and caring. There is no apparent reason why should she fall for a guy so much older to her that too a relative from her in-laws’ side. We are both from middle class background. We are so much in love that we have confessed to our respective spouse,as the intent was not to cheat. We didn’t want the relationship to be labeled as infidelity ,though in conventional sense it is. And No. the relationship did not develop out of LUST. It happened as if out of nothing,very seamlessly and before we could even realize, one fine morning we discovered that we can not live without each other. End of the story? No…just the beginning. Initially she used to tell her husband about all our interactions through text messages,phone calls. She even told him about our first meeting outside our house. Her husband was indulging and, probably over confident that nothing would happen. I,on the other hand kept it a secret from my wife.After about three years of infrequent meetings and innumerable text messages and phone calls, they got transferred to another city. It is then we realized the intensity. Till that time physical intimacy was out of question. (Later,it happened. And it came so very naturally,it was sheer bliss. There was no Lust involved ,we just loved and loved each other like mad)Once they moved, we started emails and chats. I also went down to her city to meet her secretly. She took another phone so that she can interact with me freely. When things were serious,she disclosed to her husband as she wanted to be truthful- partially though. She told her about the extra cell phone . Then, the realization dawned on her husband and he could not take it any more. He spied on all her mails and found very intimate and expressive statements and also about my secret visit. He got furious. I, by that time, disclosed to my wife about our relationship. She was furious too. But it was too late for both of us to backtrack. We withstood the regular quarrels,emotional out breaks ,that we faced with our respective spouses. Now an interesting thing happened I took a stand that I will not hide anything about my feelings, and I discussed everything almost threadbare with my wife. . My wife understood my point of view. Admitted that my love for the lady was genuine but she was not ready to share me with anybody else as long as she is under one roof. She moved to her parents’ home. A graceful lady, she even called up my love and,though heart broken,has promised to keep in touch with her. My wife and me now share a better relationship than ever. We are good friends. I can sense a bit of sadness in her when we meet on a weekly basis. I care for her. But I know it is not romantic love. I love her but not in love with her. Her necessities are still taken care of by me. I know I have nothing to offer her as a husband but as friend we spend quality time - (please do not interpret as my love may come back for her. I know romantic love is not possible)My love,on the other hand, is having a real tough life,after the disclosure.Her husband is unable to accept the relationship (naturally). She is unable to come out because she thinks that the child needs her father for a good family life.Her husband pleads her not to leave and he is willing to forgive and wants to win her back.( Alas, wish one could force somebody to love someone.). This pleading has kind of brought in a sympathy factor. She tells me she has nothing to offer him except the daily caring (forget about sex,she shudders if he touches her). BUT BUT BUT all said and done…she will not come out. She will rather tolerate the daily emotional outbreaks even at the cost of losing her mental peace. She apparently is unable to take the step forward because1. She doesn’t want her child subjected to broken home. She also feels that the child will not be able to accept it.2. She doesn’t want to “break a home” . Call of commitment and duty.3. Out of sympathy for her husband4. (These are my assumptions) unverbalized fear and social stigmaI,once asked her what if this was done by her husband? What would have she done?. Her answer was she would have come out with the child. I then asked her,in that case wouldn’t have the child suffered as she would have missed her father. She didn’t have an answer. After that, I also have realized that,somewhere in her sub-conscious mind,my love does not want to take the blame on herself and that is the reason she can not take the step forward to convert the relationship from a mere “extra marital affair” to ” a story of lovers who listened to their heart and didn’t cheat others by putting up a facade”. I,was desparately looking for some suggestions,solutions,advice which would give us some kind of direction. It is then I realized that almost all the relationship websites are meant for western world. Whatever indian web sites are there, the questions and problems tackled are much simpler (simpler is not the right word.What I mean is that these Q and A s do not address our issues) and revolved mostly around domestic violence,in laws problems etc. In western world Q and A s and articles, the answers are more straight cut. While the emotions,and agonies and feelings are similar like us, the solutions provided are not always practical under indian context. May be the mind set of western women is different than that of ours. Years of expertise of tolerance in silence, and techniques of surpressed feelings and emotions have been passed on from generation to generation through their social network. That's what I think. They are more comfortable in this zone rather taking a bold step to change their mental well being for the better.We hate the tag “Infidelity” attached to our relationship. We,at times jokingly discuss that ours is not “extra marital affair” but ” extra affair marriage”. But for her stand, unfortunately,it is turning out to be an infidel relationship. Infidelity,otherwise,to me is when you do not want to come out of the comfort zone of marriage and enjoy the relationship in secrecy. Here, I am separated from my wife,she has disclosed (that’s what she says) her love towards me to her husband.And even after his non-acceptance, continues to take the trouble of talking to me daily. She is not romantically involved with her husband any more. Even shudders if he touches her -forget about getting involved physically. She is leading her life doing daily chores mechanically. She is in real trouble. She will not leave (for whatever reason). Her husband will not accept the relationship and She,apparently can not do without me. If we forcefully put an end to this relationship,she will be emotionally half dead. In the process, the lady who first started the relationship and wanted to be truthful to her husband so as not to cheat,is showing signs of nervousness and to avoid trouble from her husband tries to hide things from him,lies to him. I know it is not real her. She is an upright girl otherwise. My perception of the whole relationship is 1.We love each other and this is not LUST.Her existing relationship is child centric. i.e apart from the child in between there is not much of bond. It is not good. only Child centric relationship will create anxious,exhausted parents and demanding child. Without any emotional bond, mental agonies of both of them will only increase. People become husband wife first and mom and dad later.2.She is doing more harm than good to her husband. If she takes the stance as per her heart, in the long run her husband will realize that she at least didn’t want to mistreat him emotionally.3.Forget about what others will think of her, she in her heart of hearts know that she is not truthful to the marriage in terms of passion and intimacy - essential ingredients to any relationship. Only duty and commitment without the heart will make her depressed and morose and emotionally dead. She will be a robot. If her mental well being is not OK,there is hardly any chance of her giving quality time to the family commitments including her child.Whenever I have tried to give examples of successful second marriages and child bondings, she tells me there are equal number of negative stories as well,why shouldn’t I give those examples. I now have a feeling that , may be she is looking for excuses of not leaving and that’s the reason for countering my reasonings. I also look for negative aspects but with the intent of overcoming these negatives and not as an excuse to avoid this decision. I know it is a difficult decision to take and it takes tremendous courage to break any relation leave alone a marital relationship. But, her decision to stay in the marriage just for the sake of it will mean severing ties with me,which popably will be more painful. Legally and socially no. Emotionally yes. At least her feelings towards me tells me that. Or who knows…time is the best healer. I will help her in whatever she wants. I will probably have to take the tough call of severing ties with her. If she wants to save her marriage, this is the best I can do. Difficult….but then…I know if I am there she will not be able to win back the trust of her husband ever. She,once told me that when her child grows up she will have the courage to tell her child about this relationship. I wonder….what would be her reaction when she knows that all these years her mom loved somebody else and not her father. What if she asks her why did you ruin your life because of me? or why did you cheat my father? or may be oh great !mother, what a sacrifice just for me…I am so grateful. Who knows..I wonder….you can not really predict these 21st century borns.They are smarter lot than us surely.Anyways, the core questions I want to put forward are that “are commitment ,duty and sympathy enough to survive a marriage? Without passion and intimacy? Or is it that if you try hard passion and intimacy are restored,if not now but in the long run?” ”Is a legal stamp more powerful than the call of the heart ?” ”In today’s date, should we still be thinking of social stigma?” “Is staying together just for the sake of the child really helpful in bringing up the child?” Is it not true that 21st century generation are much more understanding and would appreciate her mother’s stand (if she listens to her heart)when she grows up?” “Is it true that only biological parents can groom a child better?” ”Is it right that you need some kind of excuses like domestic violence,in-laws torture etc as a reason to come out of a relationship and falling in love is not a reason enough to call it off because you can not put the blame on others?” “Is role playing of a wife for the entire life possible? So much of acting and pretensions?” If a decision to continue in a relationsip is based on these factors without taking into account one’s mental and emotional well being,after a point doesn’t it amount to self-violence ? What happens to one’s mental state of mind? Does it become alright after a point? Drug withdrawal symptoms after all. Her husband has now almost given an ultimatum - either divorce or severe tie with her lover. She will still not go for divorce. And really does not have a choice or rather she does not exercise the choice. Fair enough. We will probably lose each other.Is she taking a right decision by not coming out ? I invite friends to contribute their views.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): Sorry babes, but you have trapped yourself into the position of the other man. Your love that you thought so pure, something that you was willing to leave your wife for is now just another affair, just like all the other stories like this.
Your the other man, she goes home to her husband and tries to please him. She may love you, but not as much as she loves her child and her married life. You say she doesn't sleep with her husband, but this won't continue. Either he will have an affair himself, (not good for the child) and they will have an open marriage with everybody doing there thing, or he will start to have sex with her.
Whatever the reasons, she has made her choice. She refuses to divorce her husband and come to you. Your love isn't strong enough to survive the shame (in her mind) You will be waiting for her and putting your life on hold, and snatching the few moments that you can be together. The other man is always a dirty secret. The husband knows she loves you and run's away from his touch. That husband is strange, most men would demand a divorce if their wives did that. Somehow, I think she's not telling you the truth. She's decided to stay in her marriage, but she wants to keep you as well. I don't belive she has told her husband all of this, I believe she told her husband that she is finished with you and wants to make her marriage work.
Be careful, this woman has already made her decision. She wants to stay married and she wants to keep you on the side as her lover. The best of both worlds for her, but you, what about you. How long are you going to live like this. What if she becomes pregnant, what if the child is yours, what if it belongs to her husband. What if her child grows up and she still doesn't leave..
You can waste a lot of time in your life and suffer a lot of heartache, waiting on a married person who will never leave because they are getting the best of both worlds.
PS: Your wife sounds like a wonderful woman. She knows you love somebody else, so she leaves and still gives you her friendship and her support. Now that sounds like a woman in love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): Hey you are right.Here goes my opinions.
“are commitment ,duty and sympathy enough to survive a marriage? Without passion and intimacy? Or is it that if you try hard passion and intimacy are restored,if not now but in the long run?”-if commitment is there ,the rest of the stuff naturally follow.
”Is a legal stamp more powerful than the call of the heart ?”-Something about the marriage ring.Don't know what it is,but something very strong that makes it so powerful.
”In today’s date, should we still be thinking of social stigma?”-A mom will be a mom and a dad will be a dad in what ever date.
“Is staying together just for the sake of the child really helpful in bringing up the child?”-A friend of mine whose parents are divorced told me,"Why didn't the bas***** just live in the same house?Would have been more than enough for me"
Is it not true that 21st century generation are much more understanding and would appreciate her mother’s stand (if she listens to her heart)when she grows up?”-Nah.Don't think so.Blood ties are going to be blood ties in 30th century too.
“Is it true that only biological parents can groom a child better?”-Definitely they are the first choice.
”Is it right that you need some kind of excuses like domestic violence,in-laws torture etc as a reason to come out of a relationship and falling in love is not a reason enough to call it off because you can not put the blame on others?”-What if the lady keeps on falling in love with N number of men.Will she be jumping from one relationship to another.
“Is role playing of a wife for the entire life possible? So much of acting and pretensions?”-No.Its not.
In your case she has made her choice.I am not sure if she is going to change it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): you got me wrong bugs. It was not meant to mean you don't love your husband. I wish you a very happy christmas with your family. I really do.
What transpires to me from the site I mentioned is that, if the couples are not happy, the child gets affected anyway-whether I am there or not is immaterial. In this case, because we had this affair and she is not happy with her husband (for whatever wrong reasons),bringing up the child may be difficult. That is,ofcourse my views-which may be biased. That's the reason why I have asked for your views on my questions
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): Ha Ha.
When on earth did I say I don't love my husband?I am crazy about him.I adore him.He is not the average Indian Male that I see daily.I have a great marriage.
I am astonishingly happy with my husband.This Christmas is going to be gorgeous.He looks like a cine actor.That doesn't hurt either.
I feel sorry for you,you know.You gave up your wife.Looks like she may not give up her husband.Where does that leave you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): And by the way friends, I have narrated my affair and I know what I need to do. I am strong enough to take that decision however painful tht might be. What I really asked for are your views on some of the questions that came to my mind and I put thos questions at the end of the write up
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): Bugs -this one is for you. site is community.centredaily.com
"Definitely marriage comes first, I have 3 children, & the man I am with now is not their father. I also grew up with a stepfather whom my mother loves dearly, & if she had put me before her marriage, she would be alone & devastated right now. I caused so many problems for them because I was childish & did not know better, but I have grown up & had my own children, & I am so thankful I didn't ruin her marriage. A childs reasoning & expectations are not usually rational, So stick by your spouse no matter what. Till death do you part, Children grow up & depart from their mother & father to have their own lives. So my opinion obviously is do not sacrafice your marriage to cater to a child"
"My cousin said to me one night, 'I totally love my wife more than I love my kids.' I was stunned, I thought -what a horrible thing to say. And then I looked at his wife and she was beaming. He went on to say, 'as long as me and her are happy, the kids will be happy.' You know, they are the happiest couple I know. They have two kids who know their parents are in love and they are well taken care of. I totally agree with this entire concept. Of course, this only works if the relationship is solid and positive to begin with."
"We should absolutely put the marriage before the kids. I'm married 22 years and I can tell you there is another reason why couples should do this - to stay married. Your kids are going to grow up and leave, that's what we all did, and one day before you know it, it will be just the two of you again. Don't dread that. Look forward to it. The best gift you can every give to your kids is to be happy yourselves. Don't look to them for total fulfillment - that's too heavy a burden to place on them. Show them that life changes don't have to mean problems and depression. Take up that hobby, run that race or go back to school (which is what I did), and show your children that there's something to look forward to when they get to be your age. Staying positive, and active makes you interesting to your spouse as well. You have fun things to talk about and you look forward to that time together at the dinner table. And, when your kids drop in, you can talk to them about all the things you're doing as well. It's a win-win-win proposition. You, your spouse and your kids!"
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): I am a mom myself.A pedophile doesn't roam around with a sign around his neck saying he/she is a pedophile.I am paranoid about them.Why wouldn't I be?Remember Nithari killings?If being paranoid and thinking that everyone is a pervert will save my child from abuse,I as well as be.
http://sachiniti.wordpress.com/2006/12/30/sadaam-hussein-hanged-brutalities-will-continue/
Maybe you came to a western website thinking that people are going to support you.I have realized that they have morals just like us.They look upon adultery as wrong just like us.I have learnt to respect the western culture just by being on DearCupid.I agree they are more open about dating than us.But they have honor too.
I can't help it if you felt offended.you asked me a question.I felt that she was taking a right decision.I answered.
Whether her husband has a male ego or not,he is smart enough to keep her with him.Bravo to him.
As IceLordess rightly said,
"Please respect her wishes, and respect yourself enough to walk away. Its the right thing to do."
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): I think bugs missed a few points. Icelordess was nicer. If you notice, I have mentioned that I want to help her whatever she wants to do. Even if that means, severing ties with her. Of course it is not clearly written BUT my love wants to continue the affair - which I am not liking and decided that I should put an end to it. To me,it was not meant to be like an infidel affair. NOW what she wants is actually making it one. Yes,her husband is good. You should also give me credit for painting him in proper perspective. By the way, if I explain all the things, you may realise that it is more out of male ego ( that he has lost the wife) that is working and that's the reason for pleading.And Bugs,there is a limit of imagination.Leave the child out of pervert imagination.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): I dont have the age and experience. I am just saying what I feel. What would you do if you are in the position of your lover's husband? Will you tell her to leave or Will you share her or Will you want to win her back? Open relationships would be ideal but we dont live in an ideal world. You are lucky that your wife and her husband are good persons who dont wanna put on a scene. She is not being a good wife but her husband still wants her so we cant say anything about that. She wants to be a good mom clearly. And I think it is the right decision. We bring kids into this world so their well being is totally our responsibility. Atleast until her daughter becomes an adult, her daughter should be her first priority. You are old enough to handle romantic feelings. I am 32 and I have started feeling immune to romantic feelings. They do come but definitely a lot weaker compared to those I experienced when I was a teenager. I never thought I would get over my first love when I was going through it. But I got over it in a couple of years. You surely would know a lot of similar stories and even personal experiences. So if she cuts her contacts with you becoz of her husband, you will surely get over her in time. So I think you should stop agonizing and let her be a good mom.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): In the spirit of the season,I don't want to sound judgmental or anything.The scenario is very difficult to digest for me though.
She is taking a great decision by not coming out.Kudos to her.What ever her short comings,she is not stupid.I can give you that.
You:(Guy1)
1.Left your wife for her.
My comments:How will she trust that you won't leave her for some one else?
2.You fell for her.she is your cousin's brother's wife.Even if she loves you a lot,the base fact is that you didn't respect the relationship
My comments:In another 12 years her daughter is going to blossom into a beautiful young girl.If you would only know women who are good mothers,she would be paranoid about you spending time with her daughter when she reaches that stage.
I applaud her for thinking about her daughter.She is a good mom.
Her Husband:(Guy2)
1.Loves her so much that he has forgiven adultery.Good grief!An Indian Male that too!!
2.Is willing to work on the marriage.still wants her.He is a great husband in my eyes.
3.This kind of love is humbling.
4.He is a great dad.He is willing to put his daughter above everything else.
Who would a woman pick?
Guy2 gets my vote hands down.
P.S:No private messages please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): i believe she is making the right decision not to come out of her marriage. Marriage is a stable relationship. As you said yourself she has a child of 7 and her husband is loving and caring. She needs to care for that child in a stable enviroment. i mean no offence but you could walk away from her, her husband is tied to her with the marriage vows. Her husband and herself are staying together a) because they may love each other b) for the daughter. Children suffer greatly when their parents split up. Maybe she and her husband want to get their marriage back on track. People do say 'i love you' and don't mean it. she could be just lusting. Move on and find a woman who is single..your affair is ruining their marriage. sorry i'm telling it like it is.
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