A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm really in love with my boyfriend, but last week he found some pictures of my ex in my flat that I had completely forgotten I even had. He was upset and asked if I was still in love with my ex. I told him I wasn't. Then a few days later my ex rang out of the blue while I was with my boyfriend I panicked after how he reacted about the photos, so I pressed the end call button. He rang again and I did the same thing. When my boyfriend asked me who was calling, I said it was my ex and he got upset again and said if I really had no feelings for him, I would have answered the phone and had nothing to hide. Now my boyfriend is acting strange with me, hardly talking and not being at all affectionate. I don't see my ex any more and hardly have any contact with him and am absolutely not in love with him anymore. I really love my boyfriend but really don't know how to convince him that I love him and not my ex. It is really hurting me that he is acting this way.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): you could have chit chat with your ex- mention your new boyfriend and left the call short and be friendly.
really you have a right to speak to your ex, and have pictures-
i know the feeling when i saw my gf's ex's pictures i only looked at two- and i wasnt sure if i was seeing her boyfriend in them ( i have an idea becuase i saw him for a split second in a documentary i was narrating for)
but i dont let feelings like that get in the way- i didnt continue to look at the pictures, i left whatever else to the imagination becuase i too know what i'm like- the difference is "I KNOW WHAT IM LIKE." my girlfriend is a bit of a stud as women go and she has been in some rock star middle class circles (well thats my impression apparently it was preety crap for her at times) at heart i know she is a bit of a nature girl and so am I.
he needs to quit his whining and chill out "I know he feels shit and its a real feeling" but he needs to know how important your are and find a way to rid his own problems and insecurities and issues for love of you.
find something creative to do with him- if he feels he is creative at something he is good at ( even if it feels work orientated) he will feel more fulfillment and if you support him in that then he will love you without the jealousy- although he shouldnt feel like that anyway and should realise that the truth of life is impermanence and get over himself.
he could brake his leg tommorrow really bad and if he went all fucked up should you be there to pick up the pieces? he should respect you as an individual being and it seems like yu both need some space-
you need to get far more assertive- if he threatens you or will not give you space then you need to scream for space.
you both need more space- especially him- but he cant recognise it becuase he is in an internal world-
i would suggest he tries just 3 or 4 classes of tai chi- he needs to not be so much in you but more settled in himself so he can blossom.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): I agree with all the advice given here. You must be totally honest with him, and assertative. Tell him you made a mistake with the call because he unbalanced you with his jealousy and mistrust. He has the problem not you. You are allowed to have pictures from your past, you are allowed memories, and you are allowed to have friends that call. Normalise the situation by contuning to be the woman you was before you met him. If your ex calls again, have a little chit chat, then say you have to go because your with your boyfriend right now. I dpn't think you should remove the pictures, at this point he's looking for evidence and signs. Just act normally, there's nothing to find out, so he should soon relax.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (6 August 2008):
 Hi,
he is overreacting I'm afraid.
You are most likely going to have to put your foot down, this may just be the start of a deeper insecurity in him that will evolve over time, next he may start wanting to know about ALL your ex's and what you did with them. We see this all the time on DC.
But for now, tell him what you tell us, if he doesnt accept it, then tell him that until he shows he can trust you then you should maybe have a break for a while as there is no point in a relationship where it is all about him and nothing about you. This is the track he is heading down, so beware.
Jealousy is a very powerful motivator you may not be seeing his real self, so just be careful with this boyfriend, he really is behaving like a prat.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (6 August 2008):
 Hi,
I was listening to a radio news programe yesterday (about battered wifes). Apparantly one of the first signs of an abuser is jelousy. I am not saying that your partner will turn out that way, but its not a very nice thing to have to live with.
You made a mistake by not answering the call, but who can blame you after his reaction over some photo's.
I would lay down how you feel now, and tell him you wont put up with him being like this to you. Remember!! You have done nothing wrong, its not your fault that he called. So you have nothing to appoligise for.
Otherwise he will make your life a misery, everytime that you cant explain the truth to him. He sounds very insecure, and thats not your fault. If he trusted you, the thoughts would never have entered his head.
I really dont mean to sound negative, but he is acting unreasonable, and you are falling into a trap of trying to convice him you love him, but what about his love and trust for you?
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