A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 29yr old male and have been separated from my wife for over 2 years, my marriage is currently going thro an annulment, which should take roughly a year to come thro. I was not really looking for love but three months ago I met a real sweet girl (she’s 25), we were introduced by her cousin. We began dating and she showered my life with so much happiness. Something I had never really felt before, we grew real close.I told her about my past, and everything about me, she accepted and loved me for who I was. We didn’t tell her cousin anything of our tryst because her cousin used to have feelings for me. We both agreed to tell the cousin when we felt that the time was right.A week ago, I was in a real rotten mood and my girlfriend told me that her Dad was short listing from a marriage site, eligible bachelors for her. I felt jealous but wanted to hide my emotions, so I told her to scout her options and think in her best interest, and not to worry about me because I could always find another way like getting marriage arranged. I told her that she was my last shot at ‘love’, if it didn’t work then I would get married arranged. (We are both Asians and arranged marriages in our culture is pretty common)She felt deeply hurt by my statements, but didn’t tell me why she was reacting the way she did. At the time I didn’t realize what I said and that it could also mean that I didn’t have faith in our relationship. It’s not true, I do have faith ‘Us’and in her, but I was jealous and insecure and that’s the way I reacted.I tried to call her and texted her several times but she was really mad at me, I was a little pushy as well because I was insecure. The following evening I was sitting alone in my car and I kept crying to myself in regret. Her cousin happened to call and I couldn’t help myself from bursting out. Her cousin and I were good friends but didn’t keep in touch for a while because her cousin was acting up a little because of the attention I was giving my girlfriend. I told her cousin very briefly what was going on and she offered advice and it was ok. She suggested that I call my girlfriend and talk to her in person because emailing and talking over the phone doesn’t really convey the right messages at times.Her cousin tried to talk to her and well I dunno what happened between them, but I think her cousin was hurt because of the fact that they were really close and the relationship was kept a big secret! I don’t have anything against her cousin, she is still our friend and I don’t blame her for acting the way she did. I love this girl, but I think she hates me and says that I’m no longer her friend or her family. I didn’t mean to cause any rifts between her and her cousin, they are like sisters, but I’ve caused them to fight for the first time. I didn’t mean to. I know that the delay in the annulment of my pervious marriage is also largely affecting the entire situation. She doesn’t call me anymore, but I love her and I know that deep in her heart she loves me too. I don’t want her to drift away from me because I would like to spend the rest of my life with her. Being married once I know what I want in a woman, she completes me. I did not mess my previous marriage, but I know that I did mess up this relationship and in the bargain hurt a lot of people, but I didn’t mean to. I wish she would talk to me in person and sort things out, but then again I don’t know if its even fair on my part to persue this relationship because me being married once is unfair to her. But I truly love her and I do believe that if she comes back it can and will work out.I don’t know what to do though!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cupidhelper  +, writes (25 September 2007):
you're asian, be asian (I'm an american born & raised in thailand)--
don't contact her, contact her dad. admit to him all your mistakes and pain caused by fear. Promise to only see her thought aranged meeting by him. Show him you are the only one that he needs to shortlist.
Tell him it is real for a father to arrange true love. Promise you will not marry before seeking his permission, and most important, that you have learn from other cultures the value in a daughter staying close to her family after marriage. (since tradional Asians still view marriage as a loss of a daughter, he might choose to pick someone weathier over you.)
Good luck, please be honost in your attempts.
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