A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm so annoyed my ex hasn't seen his child in 6 years. He pays maintenance but it's hush money. Recently he's neen all over the tv and papers saying how much he misses home as he's a solider. He talks about his family but doesn't once mention his child. I am so annoyed because once again he denying he has a child. I wanted to scream it from the roof tops that he has a child but my child would suffer I don't know what to do. I'm not interested in him or his life, I don't care if he doesn't want to be a part of his child's life just want my child to be acknowledge. What can I do, is their anything I can do without affecting my child. My child is aware of it as she saw the picture of her daddy in the paper and read it saying daddy didn't mention me and he mentioned his girlfriend she was upset which made me see red
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2015): She's a child, and she will mirror your reaction. If she knows you see red, she'll see red too. I'm sorry, but I know adults and heartbreak. I suspect that the bulk of this drama is your resentment that he has a new girlfriend. Please don't place a six year-old child in the middle of this; because a child's understanding is quite limited in these situations.
I know they're not stupid at six. I venture to speculate she only picked up the fact he didn't mention her; because she has overhead you making an issue of the fact he never acknowledges her. So now she is aware, and searching it out for herself. I'm wise enough to know adult-drama, and this all smacks of it. If he is absent in her life, she can't miss what she doesn't get.
You are angry that he is dating and behaving as though he is childless. If he pays his maintenance and chooses not to acknowledge the child; there is not a damned thing you can do about it. He apparently did not wish to be the father of a child with you. That's what happens when a pregnancy is unplanned, or used as a means to keep a man. He will inadvertently take it all out on an innocent child and spurn the mother. Or, that just may be what you want to lead us to believe. I look at the big picture, and give every character involved here some benefit of the doubt. It's only fair. The only victim in this situation is a little girl. I'm blindly protective of women and children.
Unfortunately, you cannot turn him into a loving father and you have your hands full protecting her feelings through all of this. Even if you have to put on an Oscar-winning performance that he does love her. Allow her to believe so. The uncles and aunts are not getting but one side of the story; and we don't know how solid the truth is behind the implications and allegations made here. I always stand-up for the most vulnerable in these situations. THE CHILD!!!
Reassure her, if you have to stretch the truth; that daddy really cares about her. He has a new girlfriend; and he's in the military. Things change when adults separate. Someday there will be another man in your life. Then what? Explain that things are different between mommy and daddy; but they will work them out to make her feel safe and loved.
Lie like a wall-to-wall carpet; if it protects her from emotional trauma. For all we know, he loves her; and you're resentful. I don't take one-sided stories as the complete truth; because I know human-nature. I also empathize with your pain and frustration. Please don't get my forceful words twisted. It's all for your benefit. I mean that.
Sweetheart, I sense your pain through all of this. You've got the toughest job in the world, and you have to do it all on your own. I was tough on you, but for your own empowerment and most of all, for the benefit of that innocent little girl. You've got feelings, but never ever put them ahead of hers. It's tough being you. God will bless you in the end; and you will triumph through it all.
Hang in there! Be her mommy, daddy, and her protector!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 September 2015):
 You have to be mother and father as a single mom and that is hard.
My advice would be to tell her you don't know why he din't mention her or why he has chosen not to be around (even if you KNOW a 6 year old doesn't need to be involved in grown up's drama). And don't talk smack about him or his GF to her. Tell her that HE is the one missing out on getting to know the best girl in the world and that she HAS you. Always.
You can't MAKE him want to be around - he is at least paying child maintenance - you can call it hush money, but it STILL helps you raise your daughter - does it not?
You could cut out his picture and frame it for her (as I'm sure he hasn't given her any recent picture of himself.)
If he has mentioned her in the papers wouldn't it have been a bit "fake" ? If he hasn't been there for her (in person) for 6 years?
He didn't omit her to snub her or snub you. Someone who doesn't care for a child they made is not going to talk about them in public.
His loss, honestly.
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