A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Are these mixed feelings normal? 23 years ago I had a short lived romance and got pregnant. He knew about the baby, but made no attempt to offer support or any sign that he is interested to be part of the child rearing experience. When I was 2 months pregnant, I decided not to have anything to do with my child's father. I had since moved on and is now married to a wonderful man. My daughter knew from the start that her stepdad is not her biological dad. I want to believe that we tried our best to give my daughter the best life possible. She's now 22 years old and had recently found her biological father on the Internet. It stuns me that her biological father immediately admitted to being her dad and had recently welcomed her back in his life. Because of the distance between them, they are only communicating through emails. He plans to meet up with her to know her better. My question is - is it just normal for me to have mixed feelings about this? I feel happy for my daughter, yet I sometimes feel that I wish she hasn't found him at all. All feelings of being rejected and abandoned come back to me whenever I hear her mention his name and it becomes exceedingly difficult not to show my anxiety about them meeting each other. She also wants me to be there on their first meeting. I don't know how to handle this since I had never thought that this will happen after more than 20 years. I know that her biological dad will now be a permanent part of her life. He is also happily married and has expressed that she is most welcome in their family as well. I guess I just want to know that my mixed feelings are valid and are not signs of being selfish or just plainly harboring anger or resentment towards someone who had hurt me deeply in the past. My daughter's happiness comes first I know, but the thought of her dad and probably later on, the sight of him still makes me feel sad. I hope through time I can get over these feelings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLisa91770, thanks for sharing your pretty recent experience of finding and reconnecting with your birth dad. I've seen the same fear in my daughter that after the excitement of finding her wears off, her birth dad may suddenly disappear or get disconnected with her again. I suppose it's a normal fear. I just hope it's not something that will affect her so much as she grows older.
I'm happy for you that your dad lives but a few hours away from you. My daughter's dad live in a different country and they only communicate by emails. He hasn't even called her, perhaps because it is too soon, and assured her that he'll find a way to meet up with her soon. I do worry sometimes and told him not to make empty promises to her so that she won't be disappointed.
As I've said in my other post, this is now between her and her dad. In the same way for you, your mom, I'm sure battled (or is still battling) with the pain of memories flooding back at the mere mention of your dad's name. However, I see that your mom and stepdad has shown you deep love and I see also that they are supportive of you now that you had found a missing part of your life.
I pray that you will continue with the joy you have now and please do not hesitate to email me if you need someone to discuss this more.
Thanks and God bless. megan
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female
reader, Lisa91770  +, writes (13 December 2008):
I am 38 and four months ago, my bio Dad and I sort of "found each other. I had always wondered - sometimes more than others. My Mother's situation was very similar to yours. His explanation is that he was young, immature and was told that I was adopted by my Mother's new husband and thought it would be harder for me to have him show up since he thought I never knew the truth. He has apologized many times and seems to be making a good effort - promises he will never leave me again. I thought I would be able to handle it okay. I have good days and bad. I do really like him - even have a fatherly love for him as has told me he for me too. He lives a few hours away and calls or e-mails just about daily. He has two other grown daughters aged 25 and 27 with his wife - one who lives half way across the country and one who lives with them. I have met and like the wife and talked to the half sister several times and like her too.I have a lot of trouble with feeling like I want things to be normal and easy with building a blended family yet not wanting to hurt anyone. I have never felt so emotionally compelled to know and establish a relationship with anyone before. I am married with two daughters too and live close to my mom and adoptive Dad. I love them and they were and are good to me but it hasn't always been the easiest relationship with my Mom and it doesn't change my strong need to have him involved in my life and be in his. I would say that your daughter needs understanding most of all. I have searched and so little information is out there to help support people in this situation, I feel lost most days. People such as my friends are happy for me but have trouble understanding all the complexities. I'd love to be a part of some support group or board with folks like your daughter and I. I'd love to be able to vent with someone else who feels like I do. I worry about being rejected a lot and especially worry about being tossed aside when the newness wears off or when difficulties arise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your comments. My daughter's dad and I has since been communicating by email, and a few weeks after I had posted this, I'm beginning to get over the initial shock and confusion that surfaced because of his coming into my daughter's life again. I had gone through a lot of soul searching lately and realized that what I'm feeling doesn't really matter anymore, but that my daughter's welfare comes foremost. I already thanked him for his constant communication with our daughter and just reminded him to be careful not to make promises that he can't fulfill, as I don't want her to expect too much and be disappointed later on. I believe that things do happen for a purpose, and in this case, the reason for all these happening is that my daughter would benefit from a new relationship with her birth dad. Im truly grateful that this happened, and will just enjoy the days now that I see my daughter happy. Thanks for all those who wrote in their comments.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008): I think it is normal to feel all of what you are feeling, but you should try and put yourself in your daughter's shoes. This is something she HAS to do. There is probably something inside her that she feels is missing. There is no way you can change that. As far as your feelings of rejection or abandonment go... do you mean that when you feel the rejection and abandonment you are talking about the past and him leaving you? He hurt you in the past, but those feelings should have nothing to do with your daughter. You on the other hand may need closure. Have you thought about emailing him yourself?I know it is hard to forgive, but you shouldn't hold anything against him without talking to him about it first(although I don't know the whole story). He was young and maybe had no clue on how to handle any of it. In my experience most men don't think to offer help. He might have figured if you really needed help you would have asked. OR he may not have been able to offer you anything he felt was worthy. You never know. He could have regrets as well and is just as scared to approach you about these things. Talk it out. You are both different people now. Its always better to work through the issues from the past and move forward. Don't let it eat you up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks moongoddess for your reply, and for sharing your experience. I'm working on my emotions right now and reading your post helps me deal with my own "confusion".
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