A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been getting to know this girl for about two months now and she has told me that she really likes me and would like to take things further. She has a young child which doesn't bother me in the slightest. The problem is that the father of the child seems to have a mental hold over her. I don't ask her about it but I gather from her sister that he would verbally abuse her and threaten her when they were together. I've told her that i will be there for her and build up her self esteem and that she deserves to be happy. But her ex can't let go and today she was in tears because of something he said. I can't ask her whats going on because I don't want it to seem like I'm pressuring her. I want her to finally break the emotional ties with him that I suspect they still have because of the kid, which I understand. It's just I don't want to lay my heart on the line if there's a chance that she will give the ex another chance. She hasn't been with him for about six months but I don't know why but she seems to be an apologist for his behaviour. It baffles me. I think she is reluctant to make the break with me because she is scared of the unknown, despite my reassurances that I will treat her with the respect she deserves.
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female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (7 June 2007):
 sorry spelling mistake
but on the other hand she need to understand that you are only human so u do have a limited patience so u need to be reassured and she must tell you her plans.
WOMAN = HUMAN
A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (7 June 2007):
unfortunately the matters of the heart are the ones that troubles us the most. you need to starting talking to this woman if she wants you she need to open up because really she will loose a good thing because of her troubled past. i know its tough on her maybe due to her low self esteem she is even confused, but on the other hand she need to understand that you are only woman so u do have a limited patience so u need to be reassured and she must tell you her plans.
i have been where she is sometime in my past life and i know how difficult it is to breakaway, but then again prolonging the situation it damages you physically, mentally and emotionally. there is no easy way to breakfree thats why she has to tell herself she is freeing herself from this at once and if she cant do that. i suggest you move on with your life because that will mean she might go back to her ex anytime, there is still too much drama involved. have some understanding between the two of you, something that will work and not keep you waiting for the unknown.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your words. At the moment, I'm not sure whether I'm angry at him, her or myself for allowing this situation to develop. I don't want to put my life on hold waiting for her yet I can't stop thinking about it. I thought I'd be someone who wouldn't let matters of the heart affect me but I was wrong. I can't be angry at her but I'm finding it hard to look her in the eye. I don't think I can be just friends with her.
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A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (6 June 2007):
Hi
I think you are dealing with this very well. Unfortunately six months is still too soon to expect her to forget her abusive ex. Her self esteem is tarnished by this guy and he knows she is afraid of him that’s why he is using that. She is the one who needs to put a stop to this drama, there is nothing you can do except being there for her. But don’t be too lenient with her she need to know how much you feel about this whole thing even though u feel like it might push her over the edge. Maybe you being honest with her might be the strength she needs to get out of this mess who knows. Remember you like this girl and she likes you too but a relationship full of drama because of an obsessive ex is very painful, so she need to stand by her belief and cut her looses wth this guy for good if she really wants to be with you. Hope all goes well with you.
Jovial
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