A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't like giving blow jobs to my boyfriend. We have been together for some time now and we decides to hold on on sex and sexual favors. Now it's been a year or so we started doing oral. I love my boyfriend with everything I have and we are already talking about the idea of marriage. My boyfriend watches porn and I have no problem with that, but I feel that he gets porn mixed with reality. I think blow jobs are humiliating and degrading I feel like some cheap slut. He takes a long time to cum. I use my hands, mouth, and sometimes deep throat. I'm sore afterwards and not as horny as when we started so I don't want to do anything else. It turns me off and I get bored. I was hoping buying a vibrator will help keep me in the mood. He like giving oral, but unlike him (who is happy after his blowjob) I feel awkward. I oral doesn't feel like great and I would rather have penetration. My boyfriend gets confused because he said she saw girls "squirt" from oral alone. It doesn't seem fair that my input is greater than my out put. I don't like giving or receiving much but he is getting all the benefits ( just complains its not frequent) I suck it up sometimes ( oh a joke) but that doesn't seem to be helping. I don't ask for oral anymore (first few times was enough) .What should I do?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 October 2013):
 Amateur porn can means just REALLY cheap porn. There is a whole range of so called home-made porn as well, which are basically just really badly shot. Doesn't mean it's more "real" then porn. And some homemade porn is really degrading, because THAT is what some people like.
And yes a guy that takes forever is either older or he is VERY used t a VERY firm hand - most guys grab a really firm hold compared to how a woman would grab a penis. Specially if she is new at it.
check out http://yourbrainonporn.com/ and have HIM check it out too and READ it. It might surprise him more then you.
Talking dirty is not only porn related I think, I don't personally get it. I don't get why a woman would want her guy to call her a cow or use words she normally don't, BUT... again for some it's a release, the chance to be the freak in the sheets and the lady in the streets. If you don't find talking dirty erotic, then don't do it.
Most porn is not attractive to women - because it's NOT made for women. It's made for men. There are some porn out there made for women, by women that is VERY different then the average bear-porn. Not that you HAVE to watch any, just saying it exist.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 October 2013):
 Of course it is! And you can be sweet and loving, but still be a porn addict. He's experiencing physical side effects, and he's used it for education, which totally is bad. Amateur porn is very rarely amateur. It's a genre that's just as simulated and paid as the others, and true amateur porn tends to feed egos and visual effect just as much as professional porn.
He's too used to his hand and porn images to stimulate him. That's why he's having issues with intercourse and oral sex response. With porn addiction, you need more and more and more to achieve the same result. He's used to it due to long celibacy.
Dirty talk is also a big porn thing. If you don't like it, don't allow it. Porn is influencing a lot more than you think. Most women don't walk up after knowing a guy for a day and demand he "stick it in", and most sex acts don't start with the woman in position and the man just start right up, which is a big thing in amateur stuff too. 2 seconds of sorta-Foreplay, and then down to business? Sorry, but amateur doesn't mean real either.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is such a sweet heart and he doesn't seem to have the symptoms of an addict ( though I wouldn't know). He watches porn when I don't feel up to fooling around or I am not around.If I am he watches me ( sometimes I'm not doing anything sexy I could be just reading a book and he'll say I love you and such). He has no problem with standing attention. I think you guys are right. I told him about porn looking gross and fake, he told me he like to watch amateur. I'm not sure if that's better.He said that he only wants me to experience as much pleasure as those girls, but in my head I can't get over how ugly those girls look and how smug the guys look. I have voiced my opinion on oral ( rules like don't pull my hair or that weird thing where they grab your neck). He like dirty talk ( he likes to hear it mostly) is all this porn related or just him?I'm the bookish type so I don't feel too comfortable talking dirty. Is this porn influencing him, you think?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 October 2013):
This isn't about oral sex, even though you spoke about it here.
If you have been dating for a year with no sexual contact, he has been relieving sexual tension through and solely through porn and masturbation. There are psychosomatic side effects to that. I am not talking right or wrong or judgment. I am talking about a porn addiction and desensitization and warping of the sexual arousal pathways in his brain.
What this means is, he takes a long time with oral because he's gotten way too used to his hand. He's refering to female squirting because he's visually stimulated by porn, which is NOT actual sex. Oh yes, a penis may go inside of a mouth or vagina, but it is *not* real - women moaning like wounded wildebeests having a 5 hour orgasm, taking "deep throat", squirting like Old Faithful? Not real. Those are grossly exaggerated visual displays to arouse the viewer.
He has unfortunately desensitized himself to actual honest and organic arousal. That's why you feel degraded with giving oral, because the "submission" element has been added to porn for effect. True oral is ultimate and utter power given to a woman over her man, not the "on your knees b****" crap from porn.
You are in control over his pleasure. You could snap off his penis with your teeth if you wanted to. You cause the biological response of his orgasm, and its intensity with your tongue and skill. You can tease him into blue balls, edge him until you make him nearly pass out with his release AT YOUR WHIM, and make him beyond vulnerable to your ministrations. Oral sex done right isn't degrading to women -- it's the ultimate power.
As for his oral sex with you, if he's learning from porn, that's the ultimate mistake. For one, again, that's visual stimulation, not a lesson in what gets a girl off. The porn girls are PAID to act pleasured...emphasize ACT. The technique employed by the guys is many times laughable at best, meaning he sticks his tongue out, moves his head around, or pretends his tongue is a penis, all to stimulate the viewer watching instead of the woman he's pretending to pleasure.
You need to have a long talk with your boyfriend. It's good you're cool with his watching porn, but it's interfering with your sex life when he starts comparing real women's responses to porn and takes lessons from it. It's worse when it makes you uncomfortable because his response is desensitized by porn and solo masturbation.
You never mentioned if he has erectile dysfunction or not, which can also be porn induced. If he can't have an orgasm through penetration, that is a direct result of porn addiction. He needs to detox from it. I'm not saying he can never watching it, but he needs to set the neural pathways right.
Show him this when you have your heart to hear talk with him:
yourbrainonporn.com
Chances are, his long celibacy has side effects he regrets, but won't admit because sexual inadequacy is as much of an unspoken thing as a woman's weight -- very sensitive.
That's your real issue -- the porn addiction. Go through the Joy of Sex and the Art of Sensual Massage for some *real* techniques. Tell him he must NEVER EVER again compare porn to real sex. No more "All porn girls squirt and fall to their knees with their mouths open ready for facial sperm showers", or you'll break out the "All porn guys have 12 inch penises and can pleasure for 18 hours straight, so what's wrong with you, Tiny?" comeback.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (7 October 2013):
 I agree with Honeypie.
You shouldn't do anything that you hate doing. Don't like receiving oral? It's okay to tell him that you're not into it. Don't like giving oral? You shouldn't do it. But, to me this sentence glares out at me: "I think blow jobs are humiliating and degrading I feel like some cheap slut."
If this is how giving a blowjob feels, then I think that your boyfriend is doing a really lousy job sexually. You must feel this way because of the way he treats you while you give them. If he treated you lovingly, like a queen, like this was a special treat and he made you feel powerful - then you wouldn't feel humiliated, degraded or like a cheap slut.
If your boyfriend is making you feel that crappy about yourself, then I think that this may be about more than just the blowjob. Maybe you need to take a step back and look at how he's making you feel elsewhere in your relationship.
Aside from that glaring issue, it seems like he wants to get you off and that he'd like more foreplay. Maybe just penetration isn't quite enough for him. So, get creative and think of some new ways to spice things up to replace the thrill of oral.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 October 2013):
If you don't like receiving oral then that is OK. It's not for everyone, personally, I get bored even if hubby tries all kind of "fun" things, it's just not great for me.
As far as giving oral. Well, I would suggest you use it as foreplay, don't get him OFF on it EVERY time. Just to get him started, a nice warm up. Because if you have to go at it for 30 minutes to get him off, the eroticism wears off, I totally agree. It becomes a chore.
And your BF has watched to much porn if he thinks every girl squirts from oral. Squirting is usually connected with G-spot manipulation (which is a spot "INSIDE" the vagina.) Women rarely RANDOMLY squirt. For most (who CAN squirt) it takes a lot of work and it's NOT a given it will happen. So take THAT with a grain of salt.
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