A
male
age
36-40,
*ndy1987
writes:My GF has really low self esteem and she's really anxious and insecure. She does not love herself and she has had a hard life. She was almost raped and she had to have an abortion amongst other things. She didn't want to get into a relationship but then she met me and she felt she could trust me and I have been supportive when she cried and was down. However, all of a sudden she wants to break up because she said that she can't love me properly without loving herself and that's she has been suffering all her life. She feels more insecure and anxious since dating me even though she loves me and doesn't want to break up. She feels breaking up will give her space to heal herself. She also says that she doesn't want to hurt me even though I am strong enough to support her. She is very defensive and sensitive and sees every thing in a negative way. We are on a break now and I am waiting for her to be ready to talk. I am respecting her space. She told that I have been the perfect boyfriend. Anyway, so I didn't hear from her for a week and on Monday night she sent me a message saying we should meet up. Long story short, she tells me that she still feels she has to be on her own. So I send a message back saying I understand and that I'll always be there for her etc. so an hour later she calls me and she is crying and she is telling me that she is so confused because I am the best thing in her life and that she misses me etc. She says she wants to see me but I haven't heard from her. It's hard waiting for her. My friends think that she is crazy about me but she has issues. I love her and I want to support her. What can I do?
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a break, abortion, insecure, self esteem Reply to this Question
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (20 November 2013):
 yeah, i agree with so very confused. she's just playing mind games with you now. ignore her.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 November 2013):
 She's playing head games OP... she wants you to want her.. she wants you to beg her to come back as an ego stroke.
I think it's for the best that you tell her it's too painful for you to continue to be friendly if you are not dating.
I also think it's correct that she cannot love you till she loves herself.
that being said.. meet her for one final goodbye if you must but let her know that it's time for you two to go NO CONTACT... that means you UNFRIEND her on FB and other social media... no calls, no visits no texting.
she's teasing you with her suggestions and that's not fair to you... she's being greedy and selfish.
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A
male
reader, Indy1987 +, writes (20 November 2013):
Indy1987 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk thanks guys for your feedback. So now she is contacting me indirectly. She is suggesting I like pages on Facebook. It annoys me because you have to choose who to send that too and I would rather she contacted me directly or not at all. I think maybe she wants me to keep her in my mind, What do you think?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): She is highly unstable right now and she needs to be on her own to develop the strength by herself to deal with things. It is not good or right for you to be her crutch and band aid, the only thing that keeps her together. Kudos to her for realizing that. Too many people in her situation would opt the easy way and never challenge themselves to build their own coping skills and would only be too happy to latch onto a "strong" partner. Well eventually that "strong" partner will break down whether it takes a year or 30 years. So the best thing you can do for her is to encourage her to be on her own and not get back together until she is more of a whole functioning person.
It is beget for you too. Being in a relationship where you are always the strong one and she is always the weak one, is not an equal partnership
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A
female
reader, fat hen  +, writes (19 November 2013):
how long has it been since she had this abortion..there is always some hormone imbalance that can be causing her to behave that way.if you really love her and cant be without her then why not take her to some movie or some park and have a nice time so she can know you better.just dont burden her and yourself reminding that you are in a relationship.and if you are willing to put in this much effort,it is sure that you love her.if she wants to heal then why not heal together?!what is the necessity to heal alone?be frank and patient or else you always have a choice...
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (19 November 2013):
I can relate. My ex had a lot of issues like this. And no matter how much I always tried to be strong for her and tell her she could fix herself while being with me, we couldn't make it work.
She's right - she CAN'T have a fully functioning and healthy relationship with you until she loves herself and gets herself tons good place. You think it's okay and you're stable enough to support the both of you NOW. but just wait. It will take it's toll on you.
My ex used to be so back and forth with that very same thing. she needed to be on her own and then she needed me. Then she needed to be on her own then she needed me. Truth is that she DID need to be in her own. But she did love me and it was very difficult to let go.
I think, as hard as it is right now, you've got to let her go. She needs to get her life straightened out before ever being able to be stable in a relationship like you're hoping for.
Maybe some time down the road you two can make it work. But not for a while. I feel your pain. I really do. I'm sorry you're going through this. Head up.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 November 2013):
 You have to let her go. You can't think of this as "a break" anymore. It's a "break up", meaning you have to move on. You can't be her therapist and accommodate all of her issues. She has to do the work herself. I actually wonder if there's someone else that she feels she has to be self-destructive to go sleep with. Either way, you'd be better off walking away.
Relationships are dysfunctional when it means one party is being a codependent caretaker 24/7.
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