A
female
age
51-59,
*anta
writes:Hello readers. I would firstly like to thank everyone who has given me excellent advice in the past. I am very grateful to the people who care enough to share their stories and wisdom.At present I'm finding it very hard to break the Cycle of Domestic Violence that I was brought up in despite all of the counselling I have had, group therapy etc. It is so hard and I feel so lonely trying to break this terrible cycle. I am currently not in an abusive relationship but find it very hard to a: not go back to one as I miss the physical side of the relationship to be completely honest as much as I hate to admit it and hate myself for wanting it from someone who says they have changed etc etc.Am I paranoid to think that he hasn't changed or am I smart in thinking that a Leopard doesn't change it's spots. I am finding that although I have made progress in being aware of the signs etc it is still very hard to resist the physical. I wish I could stop wanting this physical connection. I wonder whether I am perhaps a full blown Border Line. My Psychiatrist says that I have snippets of both Post Traumatic stress from my childhood and BorderLine accompanied with anxiety and depression. He says he cannot work out why I want to engage with men who abuse me? As far as what I have read isn't this mainly a Borderline Personality trait. I find that currently I have been able to say no to having sex with the ex who says he has changed who gave me a black eye, however I still feel that I want to have sex with him. I really hate myself for this and don't know what to do to stop this. I find when I am not engaging is such activites I turn on myself and start to pick my skin, pull my hair out and have urges to cut myself which I have managed to resist.Can anyone enlighten me as to what they think my main disorder is or what I can do to help myself to actually want to be with a kind loving man and to move forward. At the moment my life is a living hell as I feel I cannot move forward and cannot go back and feel like I'm stuck in the middle and completely lost. To make things worse my daughter constantly critises me and nothing I do is right for her. It feels like I am living with her Father who abused me for ten years. I blame myself for the way my daughter treats me as she saw her father do it to me for 10 years. I know that I have done the very best I could and at least I am not with her father now who has since gotton worse with Amphetamine addiction and my sister is also an addict and has a one year old little boy who continually uses up my mum and dumps off her son when she wants to go on a bender. My mum then dumps on me and I try to give her advice and then she does nothing. I don't feel my life is worth living after putting up with abuse from my daughter's father for 10 years which I see as a continuation of the cycle of the abuse I witnessed as a child, and feel that I am at least trying to give my daughter a chance of not getting into the cyle of Domestic Violence yet she constantly abuses me, yet does not abuse my mother or sister.My health is being affected and I don't feel that my life is worth living anymore despite the fact that I have a daughter. I have tried everything with my girl and nothing is working. I have been persevering with my daughter for the last three years without having one man in my life, in my house etc to try to improve our relationship. We have tried Psychologists, Family Therapy etc and nothing is helping to stop her put downs, disrespect and this is making my life a misery. Please can someone help me?
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