A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: my wife of 21 years has some major problems with motivation. first, she is an alcoholic and a lazy one at that. she refuses to work to help the family in a tough financial time. wont cook, clean, pay bills, pretty much stays in bed allday and when i get home complains and lies to me. the lies keep getting worse. i love my kids very much and dont want to be separated from them. she has been like this now for at least 10 years. im going insane about it. Example....she lied and said the doctor cancelled the appt. for my sons broken arm so she could lay in bed allday. there are others worse, this is just recent. i found this out and blew up. yes, i still love her for the person she was and not what she has become. please help
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2010): First, get yourself to an Al-anon meeting, where you can meet other people who are going through the exact same thing (hard to believe that, but it's true).
What you're likely to hear is that your wife is being enabled by you, as there's no reason that she has to change her behavior. In her mind, all this has been working out fine for years!
She's going to have to hit her bottom and figure out for herself that she has to make a decision to change. We can't change an alcoholic or reason with them. There's no point in wasting time trying to figure out why this has happened or what triggered it. 90%+ of the time alcoholism is a result of very poor self image with no skills to deal with life. It's a weird combination, but plagues millions, but there is hope and a way out- but she has to do it, you can't.
Another thing that you're likely to hear is that when you apply the disease concept to alcoholism it helps explain the situation and allow the family to separate the anger and hurt from the person. Sober alcoholics will share with you how they were powerless in the midst of their disease- and attending open meetings of AA has been a great source of relief from many spouses of alcoholics.
Find an Al-anon group (there are men only meetings in most major cities) that feels like a fit. It may take visiting a few different groups, but keep doing it till you find your home. Once there, identify with a few other guys, trade phone numbers and use them as a sounding board. Life got a whole lot better for me (and her) once I got there and found a group of guys that I could relate to.
Good luck! You'll do fine, and I hope you find the peace and joy that I have.
A
male
reader, oldasthehills +, writes (10 July 2010):
You need to talk to her and make a plan. If she won't do that then you need to change something. Many times it take great conflict to achieve great change. Or you can keep doing what you have done, just don't expect anything to change.
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A
female
reader, msvee +, writes (10 July 2010):
 "i love my kids very much and dont want to be separated from them.....she lied and said the doctor cancelled the appt. for my sons broken arm so she could lay in bed allday."
I don't think she would be getting full custody of the kids anyway if it came to that.
Obviously, this has got to stop.
Think about the CHILDREN.
This is affecting them negatively! She needs help. Unfortunately, it's not like you can force her to change if she doesn't want to.
But she does need to be talked to. You might not be the kind of person who is very persistent or persuasive, just a let-it-happen kind of guy (I might be wrong and if I am then there really should have been more measures taken by now), but you have to do this for your children most importantly.
Kids are very fragile and you cannot just leave her this way.
Look for a cause. Go back into your memory banks and rethink everything that might have led to her alcoholism.
You also can't cut her off cold turkey but you could try decreasing the amount she drinks or talking her into drinking a cup less everyday or so.
Be strict with her if you have to be because something has to be done.
You should also go seek out a professional for help with this. If you want to start with a shrink, then you should go alone to at least the first meeting then start to bring your wife in after you're well informed and when you think she might be more comfortable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2010): Do you know what made her like that?
Was she always like that?
Did you try therapy?
Why is she so demotivated?
Was there any trauma,in your life?
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