A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A month ago, my wife admitted to me that she was having an emotional affair with another "man". We are 33/34 and have been married for almost ten years. I was, and still am, absolutely devastated. She is my best friend and I never thought that she could do something like this to me. I never thought she could hurt me like she has. I have handled it very well with her and she admits it. She goes away every weekend to see her mother but I know that she is also seeing him. Her cell phonme records show dozens and dozens of phone calls. A lot of them at ridiculous hours, 3-4 in the morning. She swears up and down that they have not had sex. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but I don't know of too many that are. We have always had a lot of fun together. She has been unhappy about her job, her weight (although she is beautiful and only a couple of pounds overweight), and her hair has been thinning. I have tried to find her a new job, tell her how beautiful she is all the time, and treat her like a queen. She has very low self esteem and I think could be clinically depressed. About 3 months ago, she started hanging out with my brother's girlfriend, who is nothing but trouble. Going clubbing all night and acting like a 21 year old. I really didn't have a problem with it because she has never had too many friends and I thought it was great that she had some girlfriends. About two months ago, my brother found out that his girlfriend (who he has lived with for 8 years) was cheating on him. A couple of weeks later my wife told me she was having an affair. Coincidence? I have committed to her that I will do everything it takes to make this marriage work. I have changed the things that she didn't like about me, things I don't like about myself (quit smoking, etc.). She says it might be too little, too late. That she started emotionally "checking out" of the relationship about a year ago. But she says she doesn't know what she really wants to do, that she is torn. When I ask her if she loves him, she says that she cares a lot about him. She says she loves me but doesn't know if she is in love with me. That she thinks she loves me as a best friend and not a husband. It has been a month and I can no longer deal with being in limbo, living in purgatory. When she left on Friday, I told her that I can no longer be the only one trying. That I would not call her at all. And I haven't called her. I get such mixed signals. She leaves Friday and calls me Saturday crying saying that she is so sorry for doing this to me, that she doesn't want to be this person, that she misses me and can't stop thinking about me, that she doesn't think she can live without me. Then Sunday night comes and it's 10 o'clock and she isn't home. I call her at her mother's and she is very short and rude with me. It's such a rollercoaster ride. On Monday, I took a few days worth of clothes and went to stay with a friend. I told her I wasn't going to come home until she wanted to have a serious discussion about our marriage. Every time I have tried to have the discussion, she curls up into a ball crying saying she is so tired and can't talk about it. She knows what this is doing to me and I know she is a mess as well. Am I doing the right thing by mocing out for a few days and giving her time and space? I really need some advice on how to handle this siutation!
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male
reader, No Second Best  +, writes (29 April 2009):
I'm sorry this is going to sound harsh but when did your balls fall off and land in her handbag? She is sleeping with this dude I'd put my nuts on it. You need to stop acting like such a wussbag women do not respect weak men. I'd be booting her out tomorrow tell her don't come back from your mothers house stay there better still go move in with your new guy I'm making the decision for you. You sound like you have an unhealthy reliance on her you need to get out and get a life.
And don't do this as some reverse psychology thing to get her back, she'll spot it. Burn her seriously and talk to her like sh.t get the fk out type thing. Be a man and get your balls back brother.
It might take 3 years to get over her, or it might take 6 months. Who knows you may meet someone else next week. Funny thing is if you do this right she'll come crawling back anyway. And when that happens you give her all guns blazing and boot her out for good. Then your a man again.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): her crocodile tears is just that. please do not continue to be her fool. you should have more love and respect for your life and yourself. she obviously doesn't.
she will make your life miserable then act like a victim (as she currently does). you need to make smart choices, and that time is NOW. do not allow her to manipulate you any longer. you deserve better, and you know what? better is out there, and the woman are faithful too.
you have the chance to make a fresh start, yes it will be hard and yes, you will move on, one day at a time, very very slowly. but you will heal, and survive this betrayal and trauma. and you will succeed in making a home with someone else one day.
good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2009): Check out survivinginfidelity.com. LOTS of folks in the same situation as you, with lots of resources to read about and draw on.
Your wife will NOT come out of her 'fog' until you are ready to move on, and she CAN SEE THIS. You need to stop thinking of yourself as married, begin to disconnect from your wife, and make plans for the rest of your life. She needs to be asked to leave. Talk to a lawyer TOMORROW, and get your finances separated. Do NOT talk with her until she COMMITS to moving back in AS YOUR WIFE. **NO** contact with the other man. And, by the way, FIND OUT who he is, and if he's married, contact his wife AT ONCE. She also is in the same situation as you, and needs to know what her wayward husband is doing.
You will not regain her respect, or your standing as husband (as opposed to good friend, as you've noted) until you decide that your self-respect does not permit this kind of treatment. You DO NOT deserve this, regardless of the state of your marriage. There are MANY things she could have done besides start an affair. The state of the marriage is both of your responsibility, but the affair is all hers, and she has to own that before you can consider reconciling with her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2009): You need to leave. She will never commit. As long as you refuse to take action and end it she will continue to take advantage of you. "Best Friends" don't treat each other that way, no matter the reasons. Cut the loser loose, salvage what is left of your self respect and move on. my ex-wife cheated on me a couple times but I was not aware till later. As soon as I found out I ended the relationship. I have never been more happy. You will NEVER be able to trust her again, and with good reason. Move on.Been there,
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2009): I do love her more than you can imagine. I have told her what this is doing to me. She is well aware. She cries to me all the time too. But she said she doesn't know what she wants to do. She says it isn't about him, it's about us. I don't know if I buy that. I want to be there for her while she tries to figure this out, tries to find herself. When she left this weekend, she said she had to have a face to face conversation with him. It makes me so sick inside. I told her there are three options: 1) Divorce me, 2) Stop seeing him and work on our marriage, or 3) Stop seeing and talking to both of us, figure yourself out and then make a decision. In any of the situations, I told her she needs to see a counselor. And, regardless of whether we try to make this work, I am going to have to see a counselor because I am destroyed. This has been hell. The last thing I want to do is rush her into the biggest decision of her life. I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
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A
male
reader, cleeowls2 +, writes (28 April 2009):
 wow man i am only 21 and im not sure if u want to take advice from me because u are more experienced then i am but i will give it a try any way.to me i see you love your wife and this whole affair she is haveing just crushed u.try not to talk about it to much because all it is doing is making her feel bad about it thats like throwing a match in gas. try just taking her out for a movie and dinner and a small walk and take her down memory lane about all the fun yall use to have.all women want is attention they love the small things in a relationship like when yall in public she want you to hold her hand. she want to be herd so listen. if they just talking cool whats a lil conversation. im sure u had a conversation with another women. she have feeling for him thats a big problem he maybe doing are saying something u not. so put yourself in a woman shoes what would make u cheat. and leaving the house isnt a good idea either. because all she gonna do is call him for comforting knowing u suppose to be her pillow. compiment and i love u is good but u have to show her that u love her my friend just married his girl four months ago now they are getting divorced because when he put the ring on her finger he treated her like a slave and not like a woman. maybe she just need a vacation with just u and her u know a relief get away. work put alot on women as well as marriage she may think she not pleasing you no more. help her out with some of these things. she may feel alone and u walking out want do nothing for her. let her own self concious eat her up because it will and she will come back to u(her pillow) and all u do is comfort her.talk about it when she ready to when yall done talking never bring it up again. because if u do she will go into a state of depression. continue being a good husband and friend to her i hope this helps u out a lil bit
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