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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi! my mum is too protective! what can i do??My name is Kelly and I am 15 years old. I have a lovely mum when it comes to most situations, but she is over protective when it comes to boys. She dreads me getting a boyfriend until I finish all of my education, which she is expecting me to go on to sixth form and Uni. I can’t take it any more it’s making me very unhappy. I’ve had short term relationships in the past which I have felt so strained in because she has always been in a stress with me and been really negative about the boys. The past year I have wanted to feel belonged by a boy but there haven’t been any boys which I have felt this way with. But as the summer has come I have had a boost in confidence to talk to some boys.Last weekend I went to center parks with my friends and there were a lot of teenage boys. None of them were really my type apart from one. He was so gorgeous and unlike most boys I have met, he wasn’t cocky and too forward. We had a really nice conversation and he made an effort to come and say bye to me at the end of the weekend. He fitted the criteria of a boy I longed to be with for the past year. But now back where I live, I have got over him because I know that I will never see him again. When my mum asked about boys, I thought I would be honest rather than lie and told her about him, she all of a sudden panicked I would be obsessive and start texting him even though I will never see him again. But in fact we didn’t swap numbers because I decided that there was no point so I didn’t ask and I think he felt the same way when we said bye. She then asked where he was from and I said “Wales”, it was from here when she really started to upset me because she was stereotyping him from this, but she wasn’t the one who met him. He was the loveliest boy I have met in ages. After that argument my Dad called, unaware of what I had told my mum but said that she was petrified that I had a boyfriend, because of my education. I don’t understand, say if I had gone out with a boy there, I would be over him way before we go back to school in September. That night of the argument I found that my mum and I were having problems communicating so I wrote her a letter explaining all of my feelings. I left it by her sink so that she would find it in the morning. I think I have successfully pulled her guilt string because since then she hasn’t brought the argument up, which I think is a good thing because she usually can’t resist it. That technique has worked this time but I would rather we had never got into an argument in the first place over a boy I will never see again. I don’t understand it really, her two best friends have daughters the same age as me one, has a long term boyfriend who really adores her. And the other sneak behind her mothers back and gets drunk down in the town and shags boys. My mum is aware of this, but she shouldn’t worry about me because I stay in most nights, and see my friends in the day.I have high expectations of boys I won’t go out with any boys who are over 16 and they need to respect me. I don’t want a boyfriend who will take advantage of me, and my mum knows this because I talk about other peoples relationships with her, and explain why I don’t like certain boys. But as soon as I’m interested in a boy she turns sour. It’s really getting me down. She tells other people when they ask if I have got a boy friend that I’m not interested in boys at the moment. But that’s untrue it’s just her protecting me and I can’t be bothered with the arguments. I don’t like they way she says it, I’m scared that it will be misinterpreted and people think that I’m a lesbian. I know she regrets her education but she is over protecting me, I can’t even talk about a boy with out her upsetting me by judging them by fixed ideas of boys. I want to involve her in my love life and not have to lie to her if only she could accept that I’m not lying to her and feel happy for me. I realize that I should not get involved in a boy for a little while now until the Center Parcs thing has totally calmed down. But how can I prove and show to my mum that not all boys are sent by Satan to shag me and destroy my education? And how should I tell my mum next time there is a boy I like and thinking of going out with him?Please help Kelly xxx
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (7 August 2005):
 Hi Kelly,
It actually sounds like you have a great relationship with your mum; you should be proud of that, because a large fraction of young women your age can't, or won't, discuss any aspect of their lives with their parents. The fact that you can indicates that you've shown the maturity and strength of character to overcome the generational gap between you. Good on you!
Where the communication is falling down seems to be that you're going around in circles with each other without discussing the reasons each of you has for feeling as you do. Your mum is saying "No boyfriends. It'll ruin your education", and you seem not to have told her about your own "high expectations" in dating. But neither of you has said why you feel this way.
To be fair to your mum, your growing up has probably come as a bit of a sudden shock to her in the last year or two. Before that, you were "only a kid" in your folks' eyes and nothing to worry about. Now, it seems like you're a fairly composed young woman who knows what she does and does not want, and your mum is probably thinking "Who IS this? My daughter's just a child!" This is how their kids' adolescence sneaks up on most parents of teenagers.
You're being smart to wait until this particular incident blows over before continuing discussions. When it does, you need to find a quiet time to talk to your mum about her rationale for assuming that your having a boyfriend is going to be the death-knell for your education. I thought you did a pretty good job expressing your feelings in this letter. Is it possible that you could use that as a basis for a discussion with your mum about dating, generally?
First, ask her to tell you what it is about your dating boys that she's worried about. Ask for specifics and do your best not to respond in an argumentative way. In fact, pretend you're researching a project and try not to respond at all, if you can. Listen for other clues too: like, did she know someone who obsessed on her boyfriend so much that she neglected her education? Did it happen to her? Is "education" some code for another worry that your mum has?
When you have all her reasons in front of you, try to examine each one logically. Try to meet her concerns, and be willing to compromise about it. Let her meet the boys that you want to date, if that would set her mind at ease. Accept that there might be conditions on her consent. That might mean curfews and daytime-only dating for while... So be it. You have to be willing to start somewhere.
In the end, the truth is that she holds all the cards. She's the parent, you're the minor and she only wants to protect you from hurt. However, you're clearly bright and thoughtful and you have a strong sense of yourself, so you're unlikely to be pressured into behaving in a way you don't want to, which stands in your favour. Keep communicating with your mum. As time goes on she'll begin to understand that you're not asking for anything that outrageous. It's probably just happened very quickly (to her mind) and she needs time to adjust.
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