A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been together married to my wife for 10 years now, together for longer. All this time I always thought of her as a very honest person : one of the most honest people I ever met. However, over the last 18 months or so I have caught her in some lies. The first one was about whether her old boyfriend had phoned her. I had evidence of this, but she denied it, saying that they had just exchanged messages via Facebook. I was very surprised that she was keeping that from me and then when confronted she lied about the extent of their contact. Only when I told her I had seen the phone records did she come clean. It's not like she cheated with him or anything, but I was shocked that such an honest and trustworthy woman would lie to me like that. It was very damaging to our relationship and I told her so.Then I noticed she started lying to her friends, too. She didn't feel like going to an event, so she lied and said she had to babysit her nephew. There have been other, similar lies and lies of omission. It seems totally out of character for her and it feeds my suspicions of her. Today she told me that she had to go to lunch with her girlfriend. She talked about how they never seem to hook up anymore, but since a new hire was made now her friend has time to finally get away from her desk for lunch and meet up. We talked about restaurant ideas and such. She left the house in a hurry as she had some other errands to run before lunch and as a result she left herself logged into her e-mail. Ever since the incident with the old boyfriend (above) I have been a bit of a snoop when the opportunity presents itself. I know I shouldn't do it, but I did. What I found surprised me. She was actually making lunch plans for today with a male acquaintance. Now, don't get me wrong. I have no reason to believe anything is going on. She worked with this guy on a project earlier in the year and she has spoken to me about this guy. I know they aren't anything more than friends. However, what kills me is that she would sell this whole idea of going to meet her girlfriend to me - down to telling me how her girlfriend now has free time to meet up and such. It's like everything she said was a lie! If I had to guess, I think she was lying because she knew I would be jealous after the incident with the ex-boyfriend, but she's the one who gave me reason to be jealous! I never was before! Now by hiding this it is only making things worse. I realize I play a role in this by being insecure and a jealous, but she is making me insecure with her lying! Do I tell her that I know she lied to me again? She'll want to know how I found out and it won't be pretty if I told her I snooped. Won't that just make her try all the harder to conceal things? I don't know what to do. I want to see her as the honest, trustworthy woman I saw her as up until now. I wouldn't have had any problem had she just told me she was going to meet "Jon" for lunch. Now I trust her even less than I did before. This is going to spiral out of control, feeding on itself. What would you do if you were in my shoes?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): You know what you need to know."What I found surprised me. She was actually making lunch plans for today with a male acquaintance."Which means that she is clandestinely meeting another man."Now, don't get me wrong. I have no reason to believe anything is going on."Yes you do. Your wife is acting "out of character" and meeting a guy when she says she is meeting a woman. You have every reason on earth to believe something is going on...because "something" is going on. Probably an affair, but you don't know that yet."She worked with this guy on a project earlier in the year and she has spoken to me about this guy. I know they aren't anything more than friends."No, you don't. If she was "just friends", then you would not be lied to about it. Read the book "Not Just Friends". In fact, buy a copy and put it on your coffee table and then talk with your wife after she sees it."However, what kills me is that she would sell this whole idea of going to meet her girlfriend to me - down to telling me how her girlfriend now has free time to meet up and such. It's like everything she said was a lie!"That is what people who have affairs do. The "unsuspecting" spouse usually becomes aware of something after the sex has started and lack of caution has started with the behavior of the involved spouse. Sorry, but she's very likely already having sex with him, just getting more incautious, and will lie like a sailor about a lot of things.If you want to save your marriage, you need to start talking honestly, openly, and willingly on both sides. Sit down with your wife, put all this down in front of her without any shouting or screaming (you can do that later), and insist, without any alternatives being acceptable, to going to a marriage counselor, together, and if she won't then you may as well pack your bags, or she can pack hers. Hope you don't have children, because this kind of crap really hurts children of all ages.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): It sounds to me like she's on the verge of an affair. Not that that is really the case-- it just sounds like it by what you've described here. I wonder if she is going through any kind of depression, and/or is on antidepressant medication? That can make you act in uncharacteristic ways. It also occured to me that she might be going through a mid-life crisis of some sort.I would advise you to confront her, but gently (not with anger), and suggest couples counselling before it goes too far. Also, try to go out on dates with her often, if you're not doing this already. Doesn't have to be expensive-- day hikes or walks or drives close by where you live. You need to spend lots of time with her, make her feel loved and wanted. I wish you both the best!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): I am sorry to hear that..but you have to confront her and let her know that you know where she was..doesn't matter how you know..that isn't the point.You can see the things that you want to see or be realistic.
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