A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A couple of years ago my husband and I moved to a new building where we became friends with one of the neighbors. He's in his 50's, keeps much of the time for himself but is really kind, respectful and generous. He avoids people (he doesn't know well) a bit, as he is a self-proclaimed loner. He lives with his mother in her 80's who has health issues. His cancer is back and it's is serious (metastasis everywhere). He'll be hospitalized for at least 3-4 weeks and speaking realistically there's a probability that when we're talking about his prognosis we're talking about months, not years.Anyway, he asked us to be there for his mum while he's in the hospital and of course we said yes! It goes without saying that we'll be there. She's wonderful and has no family.Now, he doesn't want to bother us further and as I said he's a bit of a loner, so he refused when I offered to visit him in a hospital and bring his mom, who'd love that btw.I am all for respecting people's wishes and I wouldn't want to do anything that might upset him.But I am not sure that he's not saying no just because he doesn't want to inconvenience us.Not to mention that this is not a casual situation. Theoretically speaking he may not even come back from the hospital.I'll see how things go... but if we have to make a decision to visit him or not, I just don't know what to do... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2016): I'm the OP.
Thank you so much for your replies!
You helped me realize that there is solution that might suit everyone.
We spoke to his mother and she absolutely wants to visit him (and I completely understand her wish to do so).
So we'll take her and wait for her. We'll also bring some magazines for him.
Thank you again!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 July 2016):
 It is nice to see that there are still some good caring people in the world. He obviously trusts you and that is great, I can see why you are unsure what to do, but ask his mother what she wants to do, and take her in if she is fit. See how he reacts and take it from there, maybe bring him in some off his favorite things, ask his mother what he likes.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 July 2016):
 My mother would not tell us stuff because she didn't want us to worry, or think that we needed to travel to see her, or dad, if they were sick, even quite sick.
She won a community award and made light of it because she didn't want me going to the expense of visiting my home town when she was presented it.
She hasn't told us when people have died, to save us the cost of travelling to funerals ..... people important to us.
It was all a bit cocked up actually, but my point is it is quite possible your feeling he might not be wanting to inconvenience you could be spot on.
He has asked YOU to take care of his mother, that is a sure sign that he trusts and likes you both.
I say go with your gut on this one, take his mother to see him if she is up to it, the visits don't have to be long, just popping in and out, you could take Mum, and see how he reacts, if he is welcoming stay there, if he isn't leave his mother there and tell them both you will be back in 10 minutes to take her home again.
I want to say how good it to see that you are willing to step up and help your friends in this way.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 July 2016):
 Maybe suggest that you can take you mom so SHE can visit, tell him if he rather not YOU TWO come, you can bring her and take her home.
If he doesn't want that either, I'd respect his wishes.
Could ask his mom if there are things he really like books, magazines, crosswords etc.-( food might not be a good thing with chemo) then drop it off at the nurses station for him. Some people don't want others to see them when they are really sick and honestly I'd respect that.
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