A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months, I'm 17 and at the beginning it was great. He treated me great and I was so happy. He still takes me out etc, but it's just not the same.You see, my bf seems to have an idea in his head that I am going to leave him for someone else. I don't know why? I've never cheated on him before - I've never cheated on anyone I don't believe in it. Anyway, I'm not allowed to go on my phone whilst I'm with him, or else he flips. And whenever I'm tired and not talking much, he constantly asks me whats the matter.Earlier on today, it was the worst I've seen him. I went in to the other room to have a sleep because I was burning up and felt dreadful. He then came and jumped on me, asking me what was up. I said nothing I just want to go to bed. He then grabbed me and held me down with all his strength - demanding that I tell him what was wrong with me. I was literally begging him to just let me go to bed I wasn't very well but he wasn't having none of it. I got the strength to push him off then I walked out the room. He then shouted 'you're nothing but a m** b** grow the f* up'. I was so shocked I couldn't believe it! I've never had anything done to me like that before!Anyway, I told him that was it, it was over. He then barged into my bedroom and said he wasn't leaving until I got back with him. I told him I didn't want to be with him and we spoke downstairs. He was in tears saying sorry, but I've always been told any signs of forcing you to do something you don't want to do in a relationship, I should get out. Anyway, he wouldn't let me go until I said I'd stay with him. I told him a million times I wanted to be on my own - he wasn't having any of it. I had to say I'd stay with him just so I could go to bed ready for work in the morning. He then forced me to give him a hug and a kiss which I didn't want to do. I cried because I've never been so confused as to why he won't accept what I want. It's so selfish of him. Anyway he text me before bed saying he loves me. I found it hard to say the same.Please help. Why won't he accept that I don't want to be with someone like him, especially after what he did today by holding me down for answers. Is this a bad sign? :/
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2011): Yes it is a bad sign because you were feeling ill and he used his force to hold you down and explain yourself. Then he was verbally abusive afterwards. He has problems. You could try being understanding, finding out if hes been cheated on in the past. Work towards gaining his trust ect. But if the guy wont even let you alone when youre feeling ill, why would you want to go to those lengths to try and understand and help him?Hes a piece of work. In the sense that, going out with him is hard work! As you have told him you want to split up and hes refusing to accept that, maybe write him a note explaining why you dont want to be with him anymore. And leave it at that. I get the feeling if you try and talk to him in person, he is just going to argue with you. So dont even try that. Just send him a text message or a note. No one should be forced into anything, whether thats giving answers, hugging, kissing, whatever. You should never be forced. Hes not worth bothering with, so if hes out of your house now, keep him out and dont invite him in again. You cant trust him.Hes a bully and bullies are cowards. They get their kicks by tormenting prey that wont fight back. You really dont need someone like that in your life. So keep him out and do as the other Aunts suggest. Tell others that you have split up and you dont want him around you anymore. Block him where ever you can but do make sure you explain to him fully, why you are doing this. Sometimes when they cant see what the problem is, they will hang around tryin to make sense of why they have been dumped. So make sure he understands so then theres no excuse for him to hang around. If he starts to threaten you dont let him know you are scared. If you do, he will increase his efforts with hopes that it will make you go back out with him. Just keep any threatening texts, emails ect and warn him you are doing so and will go to the police if he persists. You could get out a restraining order if he threatens you but hopefully if he sees you mean business and wont be threatened he will drop it and leave you alone. It might be better if you dont date again for a couple of months as he will see that as evidence you were cheating if you date too quickly, so leave it for a little while until you know he has finally buzzed off x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2011): i have a degree in psychology and i also interned at a shelter for abused women. let me just go ahead and tell you - this guy is an abuser. in the beginning of the relationship with these kind of guys, things are ususally really great really fast. and the relationship moves very quickly. he will treat you exceptionally well and shower you with gifts, etc.
then you'll start to notice some things kind of alarm you. he will get more and more attached to you and more and more possessive as time progresses, and he may start to get angry or frustrated at things you did that he doesn't approve of, and snap at you. and you're left thinking "that was strange..". and he will start to control little things about the relationship. perfect example - your cell phone. now don't get me wrong, i don't like to be in anyone's company, relationship or friendship, if they constantly are on their phone. but that's only if it's in excess. and i would never threaten someone over it. just politely let them know it's bothering me. but these things are early signs to look for that it's only going to get much much worse.
after this stage, he will more than likely eventually become more possessive and possibly start physically abusing you. verbal abuse goes hand and hand with this, as well. him pinning you down on the bed was the first time this side of him showed through, and the first time he reached this stage. and i guarantee you it won't be the last if you don't get rid of him. but that's what they do. they snap, they say horribly things, and physically hurt you, and then afterwards tell you how sorry they are and how they'll never do it again. and once you take them back and believe them, you go through the honeymoon phase, where he treats you like a queen for a while. and then inevitably it starts to build and eventually he blows up again, doing it again. and the cycle continues.
the reason people do this is due to an insecure attachement style that usually began at birth. but while you and i can understand that healthy relationships require giving your partner their space to be themselves and don't fret over every little thing, they can't. they view you on your cell phone as a direct threat. wondering "who is she talking to?? is she cheating on me??" or you may find talking to other guys just as friends becomes you wanting to cheat on him. or you wanting to take a nap becomes you not loving him and not wanting to spend time with him. they don't think like you and i do. they need help. therapy. anyway, sorry this is so long. but i really think you're doing the right thing. try to notify your parents, or your teachers, like someone else posted. that way if something happens, they can be there to help you. i would try to avoid him completely and definitely don't let him in your house alone. never be anywhere, for that matter, alone with him. ever. i would change my number. pretty much erase all connections with him. good luck.
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A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (17 April 2011):
 You're starting on the right foot. You've identified this guy as out of control and seen some really scary sides of him that you do not want in your life. that's excellent. If I were you I would find out from the police what it takes to get a restraining order against someone, because even though he hasn't hit you, it shouldn't have to get to that point. I think in america you do have to be injured by someone before you can be allowed to file a restraining order, but it is definitely a good idea to check if it's the same in britain.
Go completely out of your way not to associate with him. If he catches you in a public place (like school/work,etc) completely ignore him, and if he gets aggressive, yell stop or get away from me, you know. I would be more concerned with the private aspects when he knows where you live. Like the other aunt has posted, try to stay with friends or family for a while until this has died down. I would change my number, or at the VERY least block his number, block him from facebook/IM/myspace, whatever else.
If you see him and he says you agreed to get back together with him and how you can't take that back, etc. Just say you wouldn't leave my house until I said yes, you coerced me into saying yes, I just said what I could to get you out of my house and my life, you've already made up your mind to move on. alert a teacher or boss you trust of the situation if he is persistent in their presence.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 April 2011):
 what a horrible horrible experience for you. It would have been truly frightening for you.
I am so glad you recognized that you are not safe with a guy who behaves in the way he did. You did the right thing, by ending the relationship. He is disrespectful. And you deserve a much better boyfriend than he will ever be.
He's certainly showed his true colors under pressure. And even before that his actions have been warning you that he has control freak tendencies. He cannot stop you using your phone. He does not 'own' you.
For your own safety please start to think of him as your 'ex' now. How he behaved is totally unreasonable and unacceptable.
A person in love with you does not hold you down and demand obedience and compliance with HIS agenda.
His level of insecurity would be very tiring and draining.
And ignore his manipulations to stay. He was unkind to you. His words to you were horrible and abusive.
Can you ask a family member or a friend if you can stay with them, while you get strong enough to get over this hurt? He will try to get you back with every trick in the book. Do NOT give in to any of these manipulations. An abusive person does not improve with time, they get more and more abusive.
an abuser goes through predictable cycles. Getting more and more controlling and then abusive. Finally they 'Blow up,' just as your ex did when he yelled that nasty abuse at you. Then he went to the dangerous 'honeymoon' stage where he cried, said sorry, and that it would not happen again.
Do not believe him.
Because as soon as he thinks you have forgiven him he will get back to starting the abuse again.
But next time the abuse will be much worse.
Leave him now, find a nicer boyfriend who is not abusive.
It matters not if he wants to believe you have ended the relationship or not. You have ended the relationship. It is over and finished. He will get over it eventually. Do not respond to his calls, texts, letters, gifts or any of his entreaties asking you to forgive him, and return to him.
Please take care.
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