A
female
age
41-50,
*ragongirl
writes:Hello,I have been daatingmy boyfriend how's in the military for almost two years. About a year ago I found some stuff that I thought to be unfaithful. (in my book)1. He was texting another female friend (that he had already revealed to me that he still has a crush on) and the jist of the text went like this: "Him-I'm gunna come visit you in AK. Her-No you won't. Him-Yes I will. Her-People alwasy say that bu no one ever follows through and comes up here. Him-Suck my dick. Her- Why does everything always have to be sexual with you?? Him: It isn't. I say that all the time to people. But if you want to I can make it happen." 2. I found a dating account he made online for Millionmate.com while he was deployed. (although it was a free account and he didn't post any pictures) 3. I found emails in his inbox from 4 months before where he had responded to a craigslist ad for casual sex. (deep breath) He had excuses for all of these thing and said that he never actually followed through with any of them. But I couldn't handle it. I have such a hard time forgiving. We broke up for about 4 months, but we got back together, right before he deployed again and he's been gone now for almost 7 months. I DO love him and was hoping that we could have a future together. I know he can be a great guy. He's told me that he wants to be with me and that he's soooo sorry he's screwed up so bad in the past. And I WANT SO BAD to believe him. Things were going great... And I was trying to learn to trust him again. But I keep snooping through ALL his stuff. Emails, phone records, facebook account... And well, quite frankly it's pissing him off. SO my question IS: How MUCH trust should you give a significant other when you've been burned in the past? Am I turning into a pshyco girlfriend??? Is it unreasonable for me to do those things? Or is a certain amount of snooping "allowed" after a betrayl of trust? pt 2.And if I do... trust him for his actions now, but think that he's not telling me the complete truth about the past (the first year we dated before we broke up) what does that mean? Should I just forget the past and try to move on or try to uncover every little pea (lie/secret) that might be under our bed so that I can feel like I can trust him again?ps. I am 29 and he's 22. So I do understand that we are in different points in our lives... It seems like most of the married men that I speak to didn't even CONSIDER marriage or seroious commitment until the magical age of 30... Am I expecting to much from a young man?Thanks for an advise you can share with me!!!-super lost
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): q in a skirt? ummm....no. just...no.
A
female
reader, loraemoon  +, writes (5 July 2010):
 hun i feel for you,to feelyou cant trust your boyfriend is not a nice thing to have to go through every day,especially as you love him so much and want things to work, i wanna say when i read your story ie now! it sounded much like me,im 30 and my boyfriend is 23,,which can be hard because you may feel that because hes younger he wants other girls ect your scared out of your witts that he will cheat! well im, the same ive been with my boyfriend nearly 2 yrs now i have four children that hes taken on, he lied to me about his past things that should not concern me ie girls he had slept with, theres been a few lies since then to which are very hard to get through, he even rang his ex a few mths ago for a chat it wasnt untill she told me she would prove it by her phone bill that he had to admit it,which hurt n destroyed me so bad,, still does every day, i felt second best even though theres nothing between them anymore, any way fact is your doing what i do on a daily bassis,checking things like mails or anything you think there could be an answer to, im the same i check pockets the phone the car any reciepts bags,just anything to see if hes doing anything to hurt or betray me, i dont think its right doing it but like you if you have been lied to and have proof of that then i think if you feel the need to check then do so, its not a good mental thing its torture hun i know im still there doing it,i cant give you answers to make you stop doing what your doing but i can tell you you are not alone on this,i know there hopefully be a point when you may think ok hes not doing anything, he wont betray me, just like i hope to but untill then just be strong hopefully the trust will come again, x
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (5 July 2010):
 You're not expecting too much for young men.. just this young man. He is obviously still immature and stuch in the period of one-night stands. He's not ready to move on yet, and he's going to knock you out while you try to push him.
Your snooping is justified, but you know he's not going to be doing anything wrong when he knows you're constantly sniffing around. Him not doing anything wrong does't mean anything, unless he does it for the right reasons. And not getting caught, is not the right reason. Get what I'm saying?
He hasn't grown up yet, and hasn't learned to settle down. Being in the military won't help him, because he's not mature enough of strong enough to handle a long-distance relationship.
~SY
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A
female
reader, dragongirl +, writes (4 July 2010):
dragongirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey q1605,
I'm sooo sorry!! I'm a new member and didn't pick up on first part of the feedback where it states the sex of the responder. (just thought that since all the posts seemed to be on "my side" that they would automatically be all females) :o( I apologize for the assumtion. Got it now. :) Thank you for the feedback!!! I agree with you about the open book thing and I've told him that there is nothing that I haven't been honest with him about and would give him access to all my "stuff" cause I have nothing to hide. It just seems like he likes the age old excuse, "men and women are just different", there for he can guy talk and talk about screwing other women and "wanting to spread his sperm" and it's okay cause it's just guy talk and he wouldn't "really" act on it... :( When I catch him saying that crap, he apologizes and says he won't do it again... But that guy talk is just guy talk and he has conversations that he wouldn't want me to know about... ??? Which to me doesn't make sense... The only reason I can think of him not wanting me to know those conversations is if there are unfaithful or disrespectful to me (like the spearding his sperm bull crap) But I do feel guitly and like a psycho for snooping all the time... I don't like feeling this way. But I WANT to forgive him cause i feel like a hopeless female in that (as the age old excuse for females goes) "maybe I can change him"... Blah, blah, blah... :o( Sounds pathetic I know... Is there any hope?
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A
female
reader, dragongirl +, writes (4 July 2010):
dragongirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, it's me. Thank you ladies for all the advise!!! :) It is super appreciated. Lots of hard choices to make... :(
Are there by any chance any males out there can can give me their point of view on whether or not my snooping is excessive? Or is it understandable given that I WAS betrayed? How do you rebuild trust? Should I just stop snooping and completely trust him again? What kind of trust do guys expect from a girlfriend after they'd betrayed their trust?
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A
female
reader, dragongirl +, writes (4 July 2010):
dragongirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey it's me. Thanks for all the advise ladies!!! :)
Are there any males that can share their point of view on this?
If given a reason to distrust is it crazy to snoop afterwards??
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A
female
reader, cincinnatichocolate  +, writes (4 July 2010):
Girl, I been through the exact same thing (different situations). My Boyfriend cheated on me about 3 years ago, and I found everything out from reading text messages on his phone. We were laying in bed and I start playing with his phone I went through his text messages and start reading them. I trusted him soooooooooooo much that I started reading the text messages to him with a smile on my face because I thought he was playing a joke on me but when I looked at him he started to cry and then it literally felt like my heart fell from my chest though my body then down to my feet. Ever since that incident it has been PURE HELL! We will have our good moments but our bad moments are horrific. I dont trust him to go anywhere I dont trust him while he is at work, I dont trust him to go to his mothers or grandmothers house or even to his little brothers football games. Whenever he is not around me I think that he is doing some other chic. And he doesnt trust me because he thinks that because I dont trust him so much that im going to go mess with another man. The no trust in our relationship has led to so many other horrible things that all stems from his unfaithfullness years ago. When I was younger I use to hate when people said if there is no trust you cant have a relationship. But I now understand and am a experienced believer that if you have no trust then there is absolutely no way to have a good relationship. I found this out and am sad that I waisted 6 years of my life with this man. I am trying to get out now and I advise you to do the same. Trust me it will only get worse, worse, worse and then worse.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 July 2010):
 He lost me at "suck my dick" and responding to Craigslist ads for casual sex. Yuck. Seriously, yuck.
He's 22? I think you are expecting too much from a guy who thinks it's cool to say to girl friends "suck my dick". Who is clearly looking for casual sex and gets annoyed when you catch him.
Seriously, I would end the relationship and start fresh with someone who treats people with respect and who doesn't have a penchant for looking for casual sex then retracts and says he wasn't going to follow through on this stuff. The lack of trust on your part and the last of trustworthiness on his is enough for me to predict a long and bumpy ride for you two.
Raise your standards and start looking again, you can do much much better.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (4 July 2010):
Hard one. Relationships are built on trust, so if he's betrayed you and you don't trust him fully, things start to unravel. I am not to judge whether what you're doing is right or wrong. But you wouldn't feel the need to snoop if he'd been a good boy. He would have a right to be angry if he hadn't done any of that stuff you just mentioned. It's basically a case of pot calling the kettle black. He's angry because you snoop, but your snooping is a result of him betraying your trust. Unless you both resolve these issues, it's not going to get better.
You can do two things
1. Talk to him and start with a clean slate. The past is the past and doesn't neccesarily define the future. So you stop snooping, get all that stuff out of your head and give him a real chance to prove he's worthy of your trust. He'll appreciate that and if he really wants to make it work between you two he'll grab it with both hands.
2. Keep on being distrusting and he'll keep on being angry with you, justifying any bad thing he does from then on with "my jealous gf drove me away". Bad behaviour from one side encourages bad behaviour from the other. And when this has gone on long enough, you'll break up again.
It's your choice. You need to talk to him and decide whether you can completely let all of this go or if there will always be a voice in the back of your head saying "he's gone wrong before, who says he won't do it again?"
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