A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really need some advice! I'm falling for one of my professors and he is married! I'm in college now and I've never been in a relationship because I've always liked men who were old enough to be my dad (even older!). I don't find guys my age attractive and I only fall for older men (especially professors) who are 20+ older than me. The problem is that I know that I'm falling for one of my professors and he is MARRIED. I know it's absolutely WRONG but I can't help it. I can't stop loving him! I need help! I used to be in love with one of my high school teachers (who was single but older than my dad!) and it took me TWO years to get over him. I don't want another experience like that. Please help me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): "Help! I don't want another forbidden love!"
"I've always liked men who were old enough to be my dad (even older!)."
Pure speculation, apologize if incorrect, but I can only presume you know how your father's name and birthdate, but not much more as he was never in the picture or he's
long gone.
I suspect you're desperately seeking a replacement for the father's love every daughter wants and needs, and that's why you can't help "falling in love" with your professor, you want to be able to love him and be close to him and get the same attention and affection from a father-figure the same way you should have been able to enjoy the same type of father-daughter relationship when you were a little girl.
Very common behavior among girls who grew up fatherless, most don't make the connection immediately because they don't realize the effects of fatherlessness. Since you grew up without him you never realized what you were missing, what I can see as outsider looking in is you wouldn't be fantasizing about "falling in love" with your married professor if you weren't seeking to fill the huge childhood voids left by the man who impregnated your mother and then abandonded both of you, leaving you behind to grow up without the love and security of a real family including a father who loved you and parents who loved each other.
I was very fortunate to have grown up in such a family, can't imagine a childhood without my mother or without my father or without my happily married parents deciding together and acting as a team to do what's best for the kids first before themselves, just know I would have had it much harder, only reason I can now fully appreciate just how much I would have lost and never could have recovered is because I know now realize how good I had it then, and how much better off I am now as over-50 adult, for having been so blessed as a child.
Your professor is an authority figure, mentor, role model, confidante (what you needed from your father) and a loving husband (what your mother needed from your father, therefore also what you needed from your father), so "falling in love" with him not only fulfills your requirements for a boyfriend, but he can also finally make a lifelong dream come true, you just need him and you instantly become "the family I always wanted but had" with boyfriend who can also serve as the father you never had and the husband your mother never had.
Nothing "wrong" with it, expected long-term response to events over which you had no control and don't realize the impact, you just need to understand you keep repeating the same behavior because you haven't made the connection between the subconscious motivations driving your behavior. I know what you've always been missing because I always had it, your situation is something I never had to come to terms with only because it never happened to me, so I know how much you need to come to terms with your childhood before you can move on into adulthood, which you can once you can place past events in perspective.
See a counselor, you need to sort through a lot of childhood issues in order to break the cycle. It can be done, in fact reading your posting has given me new insight that has given me new strength that will allow me to finally move on from an adult issue that has been tormenting me for years and everybody's tired of hearing about, hope I've given you the strength and insight to confront your childhood head-on as you've given me to confront my adulthood head-on.
Best wishes.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2012):
 How SAFE it is to fall in love with older married men that you can't have a relationship with....
You can stop having a crush. You do NOT love these men.
You have no clue what love is.
I strongly suggest you find a good therapist to work on why you are so afraid to have a relationship...
The fact that you develop such deep crushes on older unavailable men means you render yourself unavailable for appropriate dating partners....
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (27 February 2012):
 Without any real indepth background here its hard to say why you are attracted to such men. Some psychologists might suggest that itis lack of affection or attention from your own father that makes you seek approval and acceptance from older men. Perhaps you see them as more trustworthy and dependable and strong.
You yourself know that desiring married men is a real no brainer and is nothing but a load of trouble and heartache waiting to happen. You say you cannot help it and thats ok as long as you do not pursue and activate one of these desires, it has obviously lead to disaster before and you haven't learnt from the experience.
Some women spend their entire lives chasing after unavailable men, waste the best years of their lives and sacrifice their own happiness for the fantasy of loving someone who cannot be with them. The underlying factor that seems to fuel this is low self esteem and self denial. They know they can never have the desired person but prefer to live in the fantasy rather than deal with the issues and pursue others who are more suitable for them.
It's true that we cannot choose who we fall in love with but any pattern that is, in itself destructive (like continuing to fall for unavailable men)will only add further to low self esteem because you feel more and more desperate and in need to prove yourself as worthy and your actions may become more and more extreme and obsessive.
You can change from this. You can get to the root of why you are following this pattern but you probably need to sit down with a trained professional who can help you work through the though processes that lead you here.
You already know that you don't want another experience like you had before (I am sure it was very upsetting for you) So maybe seek out someone to talk to and build on what you already know so you don't make the same mistakes again.
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