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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I still love my ex even after how bad she treated me. Our communication has broken down a long time ago so I cannot speak to her, she will not listen.If I look at this girl's picture after 3 years and still think she is the most beautiful creature on the planet, and no one else compares...What can I do?I swear..it makes trying to date/move on impossible. I've tried several dates a while back and then after disappointing every single date, I gave up. If I was on a date with freakin Beyonce, my brain would still say "She doesn't compare" "she doesn't compare", in this endless mantra bouncing around inside my skull. I just feel a sort of numbness/detachedness where my attraction used to be. Its driving me crazy.Has anyone been here? Its like my ex has my manhood in a display case in her foyer or something, along with her other spoils of love and war. What can I possibly do about this situation?
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female
reader, bellaaddison  +, writes (11 May 2009):
I liked what you had to say in your letter to her... In not knowing her or her side, and of course, we know there are always two sides, I would say that your letter had a bit of "finality" in it... closure perhaps? I think it's what you have needed... It seems to me that you needed to be able to truly let her know where your thoughts have been, apologize to her for your part and somehow discover a way for you to forgive yourself, openly. I hope this letter has provided that for you.I hope you find peace. Bella xoxo
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): Wow, that letter really does sound truly heartfelt. It's great that you are able to feel a sort of peace in you heart towards her, and the situation. I hope that this is the beginning of healing for you. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I do. I realize that in addition to all that I said, I'm dealing with a lot of guilt and self blame.I sent her a short real handwritten letter "I apologize for hurting you", and that "I must have hurt you more deeply than I originally suspected." I also said "I forgive you for anything you did or will do, real or imagined, to me." I said that "in the past, I'm not going to lie, I did want reconciliation and to be with you more than anything, but most of all I want to be sure you are ok." That, "I worry I did some kind of permanent emotional damage to you".. and that, "I worry incessantly about you like a mother hen, and its ridiculous."Then I said "I guess I just need to let go..if you let go of any negative effect I have had on you.. Promise me, then I will let go of you."I'm pretty satisfied with what I sent. My heart and intent were in the right place. I'm truly letting go. Its the best I can do.. I wish her all the best, in life and love, but I can't do anything more for her. Anything more and we just end up hurting each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2009): We're not here to take sides, or to judge! Just to try and help who we can.
Thanks for explaining the Limbic Resonance though, I have to admit that I had never heard of it before now.
Hope you are still feeling more hopeful. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFair enough, its natural that you would assume I have no skills with the ladies after all this. I used to be decent enough with them, I got by.. As for all of my theories and justifications, I suppose "TMI" would be the expression, eh?
And my intuition tells me the ladies have all taken the side of my ex by now. lol. I don't find it productive to lie just to make myself look good. Though, this seems to be common practice by so called "divas", "hustlas", "playas", and "pick up artists" out there.. But, that is just not my way.
Ah well, such is life..
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell you all might not believe any of this but:
The major problem here is Limbic Resonance. That's a rapid mutual communication of information, feelings, and ideas about your state with another, mostly all non verbal, all done by looking into the eyes of another. "The soul stare." According to authorities on the logic of emotion, Limbic Resonance is the strongest mechanism of love. Its how a mother establishes instant connection with an infant, or even how humans establish such great bonds with their animals of choice.
Well, before her, other girls had tried that tactic on me I suppose, and I was like "whatever". Or, I would let them in to a point, and then it would stop. Back then my heart was for everyone, but mostly just for myself. However, she was so good at Limbic Resonance that with her it just never stopped. She didn't stop till I had laid all my vulnerabilities in the open, and my heart was hers.
We went through a very happy time for a while (The happiest of my life), but eventually we freaked out when we were temporarily separated by necessity. I wasn't used to having such debilitating strong emotions ruling me, and I became angry that she had so much influence over me from afar. My biggest fear was that she did not feel as strongly about me as I did about her, and that she was playing me somehow. She didn't do the best job of reassuring me against this fundamental fear, not at all. So I lashed out at her in a way that I admit was very disproportionate to the situation, and I emotionally hurt her pretty badly...Apparently, our feelings for each other were more mutual than I had thought, but I found out too late..
I tried apologizing over the years, but that is a perfect word for what she feels for me most of the time, Popcycle: contempt. Its this sense that I don't meet her moral standards, and is a judgment on my stature and worth even more so than a declaration of fury. When I DO manage to fight my way out of that category with a particularly touching act or testimonial, that contempt turns to pure anger, and she becomes vengeful. She then proceeds to try to hurt me in whatever way possible, in ways that I feel are grossly disproportionate to my original transgression against her.
I even sent an overture to her about 3 months ago and she was STILL angry after all this time. I sought forgiveness and acceptance, but she will not let go of this need for revenge that has consumed her. I let go of any anger I had towards her a long time ago.. I'm just bewildered, sad, and confused most of the time that someone could be so vengeful for so long.
So, anyways, that's that situation with her... Now, when people try to make eye contact with me, I usually quickly look away, because I fear losing myself again. Or, even if I don't look away, the fear is still there. I avoid Limbic Resonance like the plague. I avoid it like its a weapon that could harm me, because in my mind it has. So that's the problem with "meeting the right person" to oust her out of my heart, Samantha x. I just don't let it happen, because of fear.
Its completely wrong that I just look at her outside, bellaaddison. Beyonce would be considered, by most material standards, prettier than her, but that's not what my brain tells me. Also, I remember everything good and bad about her, time has faded nothing. When I try to reconnect with my emotions its just such a jumble. Good emotions, bad emotions, joyful emotions, sad emotions... My brain doesn't seem to know what way to think when I try to do that. So, I try to avoid that too.
Irish49, I have tried to see a head doctor. He said basically that I'm too smart for my own good. He said my brain and thought patterns show symptoms of isolated hyperactivity and fringe dementia brought about by acute emotional trauma. He tried to prescribe me a "mood booster" and hyperactivity medicine also. But I read about hyperactivity, and its a condition that affects the body as much as the mind. In my case, I go through bouts of listlessness and lethargy, so how does that fit in with hyperactivity? It doesn't. I think he misdiagnosed me. And as for the "mood booster", I don't want to have to run to a pill for happiness. Besides, the scientific community is just discovering latent long term side effects of drugs from the past. Who knows what could be in these new drugs? The screening process isn't thorough enough, I just don't trust the Pharmaceutical industry.
I tell you what, this did help.. You four helped me far more than that shrink did. Its nice to just let it all out. That story ,Irish49, of that guy that held out his unrequited love for 21 years is amazing. I certainly don't want to be him!
Thank you all for your revelations and insights.. I will muddle along and get through this situation somehow, I suspect. I have some hope again, at least.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): Three years of pining for an ex girlfriend is unusual, in my books. Have you ever saw a counselor? It seems you may be edging on depression here at this loss. I think if you were to deal with you emotional loneliness in a far more constructive way, you'd be able to recover. I once knew a fellow who pined away for his ex gf for 21 years! She in turn, went on with her life, married another man, had a whack of kids, totally oblivious to this ex's feelings. So we know, she didn't care! So this poor, lost man..wasted 21 years of his life...wanting some gal, he dated as an adolescent. In the meantime, life passed him by. Sad, huh?
Listen, she treated you badly, you admit that. Let your self get a bit pissed off at her for doing that to you. She had no right, did she? A bit of anger gives you strength to see this for what it truely is! Accept she's gone...accept she wasn't the one. Stop living in nthe past and fantasizing about her and wishing her back.
After 3 years, I think this is unhealthy, compulsive and it's enabling you to keep tightening your emotional bonds to her, but only out of your own neediness/loneliness. Not a good, way to function! Be strong... and take control of this situation. Don’t let this ex gf have so much 'power' over you. Learn to define your own feelings, and take charge. Only you can do that. Let's begin the recovery process of letting go.
Learn to be on your own and start living again. Get out there and contact friends, family and just have good ole fun! Make new friends, and join a new social group. Take up a new interest, a new hobby... now is the time to do it. Anything will work, just gain some kind of new passion in life, instead of reliving an old one.
And when you feel ready and have healed...get back out there and date. Even just casually, going to a movie and dinner. Get to know some other interesting females. Just start meeting new people as soon as possible. But get out there in life ..live it up and have fun! Take care.
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female
reader, bellaaddison +, writes (8 May 2009):
This is definitely something that is common for people when they haven't yet let go. So, the good news is you're not alone... The bad news is that it is obviously standing in the way of you moving on. You made it a point to state that she didn't treat you well... Time has an amazing way of erasing memories, even the ones we swear we will treasure forever... clearly, it has allowed you to forget just how much sorrow she caused you because I can't imagine you would hold on this long if you could remember what exactly it was that made you let her go in the first place. Try reconnecting with the emotions she provided you when it ended... the fact that you find her to be the most beautiful thing in the world is saddening because that means you are only remembering her from the outside and not for who she truly is. That is probably one of the reasons you've not yet moved on- you haven't been able to see anyone else from the inside either.
Have you given any consideration to contacting her? Sometimes we have to go back in order to know that it's THERE that we never again wish to be...
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): Yes, other people have been in this situation, and it is frustrating.
You say she treated you badly. How did she treat you badly? What did she do or say? How did it make you feel? If you can try and bear all of those things in mind, it might help you to remember why you are better without her now, and might make the attraction to her less stronger.
As for not feeling the same way about anyone else, perhaps you just haven't met the right person yet. Although it sounds like you are still very much focusd on your ex, so it will be difficult to see the qualities and potential in someone new. Try not to give up though. Maybe if you met someone you like, even if you don't feel instant strong feelings, if you give it time and a chance, it might develop.
I hope this helps somehow. x
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