A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Moved into a great new place 3 weeks ago. My new flatmate is a 45yr old Russian and I am 25yr old British, so I appreciate that perhaps there could be a cultural thing with the difference of how things are said/done in our different countries.But I am starting to feel uncomfortable, which is not ideal. Normally I am too polite to say something, but I feel it has come to the point that I simply must. But I am concerned that I come across rude / offensive myself, and of course this could bode for a negative energy in the house. So I need to be careful with how I word it and say it to her. But how do I even begin to start a conversation with someone about how they are offensive?Here are just some of the things she does:*She texted me last night to tell me remember I need to be quiet cos she will go to sleep soon. I am intending to use this to bring up the convo tonight as this was the latest incident. Firstly, I am not a loud person. I was just in my room reading a book. This is actually the 4th message she has sent me like this. It has made me uncomfortable at night - ie to go to the bathroom or even when I wake up in the morning to go to work, I am paranoid to have breakfast. (She does not work and sleeps every day till 1pm) On my first day there, she woke up while I was having breakfast , slammed the living room door shut, then went back to bed without a word to me. (I was not being loud, unless pouring juice is loud!) Here in the UK, that would be considered to be rude.*It feels like she is constantly bossing me about. Or perhaps it is because she does not often say please, excuse me, thank you etc. For instance, she leaves the garbage in front the door every day for me to take out. She has never asked me if I could do it. So you could imagine the first day I woke up to a garbage bag, somewhat confused, only to ask her, "Did you want me to take this out?" and she said. "Yes just take it outside." I mean, that isn't wrong. But here in the UK that is quite direct, somewhat rude with no please or thank you etc. *She does not have the internet, and I have a stick. I kindly told her she can use it whenever she wants. But she seemed to think it means that she can use it 24/7. I let her use it while I am at work all day - for like 12hrs. But when I get in and want to use it myself, she seems to get annoyed and would tell me to wait half hour or something. I mean, it is my stick that I pay for. If I do not leave it where she likes it, for her to use, she will be contacting me at work or while I am trying to enjoy a night out, to complain about the internet situation.*She orders me about, telling me how to do things and what to do and not do (Again, no please, thank you, etc) *Some of her comments are generally offensive. For instance, her homophobic comments to my gay friend or her questioning me about "What am you doing with your life. You are British so therefore why would you rent. Why don't you just buy a house. You are just wasting your life and money." She did not seem to grasp that being British does not mean that I can automatically afford a house. Alot of her opinions, coversations or comments, can be offensive. *I feel I have to ask her permission for people to visit me, despite her husband and daughter being able to visit for weeks on end, without asking me. She has told me specifically my boyfriend can only come to visit me once a week. And when he is there, we both feel uncomfortable about what we can and not do.Those are just a few things. But there are alot more. It has only been 3 weeks! My boyfriend and two of my other friends who visited me, have made comments about her being rude / offensive, so I am defo not overthinking it.Overall, she is a nice lady, and I am sure it is just perhaps a cultural thing and maybe in Russia people are far more direct. But in Britain being like that could be misinterpreted. I know as a nation, we are far too polite and apologetic. But I really have come to the point where I feel I need to say something!I have never had a conversation like this before, so how exactly do I word it!! Please help! I don't want her to misunderstand and make the next months of living here extremely tense and uncomfortable because I offend her or she takes it the wrong way!
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female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (17 June 2013):
 You can and should talk to her but she sounds like a pretty unreasonable person so be prepared that it may not resolve anything. It may cause a massive bust-up but at least you would have everything out in the open.
You don't owe her squat. How dare she get annoyed and drag her feet when you ask to have back your internet stick, which only you pay for? How dare she tell you who you can and can't have in the house when she has her family stay for weeks on end? You are equals in terms of the contract but she is acting like it's her house.
I don't think this us ever going to be a harmonious living arrangement for you. I suggest you find a new place to live and get out if there at the earliest opportunity. Check the contract to see how much notice you need to give, or whether you need to find a replacement roommate, and move the heck out of there.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): Crikey I do feel for you. The thing is, although you are agonising about making sure you don't upset her, she is showing none of the same consideration towards you.'You're too nice' is something people frequently say to me, but I can't bear to be any other way. I think you are similar. However, you're going to have to develop muscle here, learn to put your foot down.Next time she does something rude/domineering, say, 'hang on a minute.....' Gather your thoughts and power, look at her directly in the eyes and tell her how it is.She won't take any hints, and being indirect will be seen as a sign of weakness. Be just as direct. You're right, it's a cultural difference. It's seen as being clear. You may even raise your voice, and this may upset you, but this may be the best way to get the message across.It's slightly different, as its a different country, but as a British woman who lived in Poland for three years I really saw how much more direct they were over there. Sometimes i was really shocked at the tone of the conversations, but then i saw they were just transactions. Nothing personal. And in order to get things done, I had to develop a more direct style.When I got the coach over from London to Poland one time, I was taking my bike. I told my mum it would be really hard to get the bike accepted, and not to be shocked how I spoke to the driver.If he'd been English, I'd have been subtle, demure, indirect, 'I wonder if there might possibly be room for my bicycle.' No? Looks forlorn, driver relents....But I knew once the Polish driver said no, he'd mean it, so I just had to show that the bike was coming with me. That was it. I aggressively carried my bike to the boot and started loading it in myself. The Polish driver came and asked what I was doing, and I told him, that's my bike. 'There's no room.' Yes, there is. It's in. Thank you. No pleasantries, but it was the only way.Also, I lived in China. One very good friend there had not seen me for three months or so and I'd put on weight. When she saw me, she said, 'wow, you're fat!'I was really upset. I told her that in England it's really rude to say that. She said, 'but why? It's true!!' That was even worse. I said, you have to stop telling me this. She said, no problem, go to the gym if you want to change it.... eventually she kind of understood that it was culturally wrong to tell someone something so personal, but she still doesn't get why.So I don't think you'll change your flatmate's style, but by stating your own needs more directly you may at least open up dialogue about cultural differences and norms. You can also make your boundaries clear. Once it's all out in the open, it may be easier to live with. It's really hard now but you might actually learn some interesting stuff from this woman.Good luck
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (17 June 2013):
You can and should talk to her but she sounds like a pretty unreasonable person so be prepared that it may not resolve anything. It may cause a massive bust-up but at least you would have everything out in the open.
You don't owe her squat. How dare she get annoyed and drag her feet when you ask to have back your internet stick, which only you pay for? How dare she tell you who you can and can't have in the house when she has her family stay for weeks on end? You are equals in terms of the contract but she is acting like it's her house.
I don't think this us ever going to be a harmonious living arrangement for you. I suggest you find a new place to live and get out if there at the earliest opportunity. Check the contract to see how much notice you need to give, or whether you need to find a replacement roommate, and move the heck out of there.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (17 June 2013):
 i understand exactly where you're coming from. i'm much like you. i take extra precautions to be over-the-top polite and respectful of everybody. so when someone doesn't behave and treat me with the same respect i give to them, i find it rude and offensive. i just truly believe everyone should display decent human manners and think of others, not only themselves. i hate ego-centrism.
with that being said, yes, this woman seems to be rude by my standards. i would have a very hard time living with her, as well. perhaps it is cultural. perhaps she's just a rude person. either way, it's worth a shot to sit her down and attempt to talk it out. odds are, though, it probably won't go so well. instead, i would start standing up for yourself the moment these situations arise.
for example, the next time she won't give you back your stick once you ask for it, tell her that you need it now and that it belongs to you and you want it. dish out to her the same stuff that she dishes to you. you think she'd politely wait it out if the roles were reversed? not a chance. or the next time her husband and daughter come stay for weeks, tell her when they need to be out because your boyfriend is coming. or let her know they can stay as long as they'd like, but that means your boyfriend will stay as long as he pleases, too. in other words, practice asserting yourself.
good luck. sorry you're dealing with this. don't you wish everyone was as polite as we are? :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 June 2013):
 You can try making some house rules with her and see how it goes, personally I'd be looking for another place to rent. I would not have some flat-mate dictate my life.
And.. I would STOP letting her use the stick for Internet, if she gets annoyed that you actually want to use it yourself. No way.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 June 2013):
 I'm thinking you need to tell you that if you two are going to live together in peace you need to come up with a written set of rules that works for both of you.
For example... "Quiet HOURS" in the house are from 10 pm till 7 am (or whenever) and that means [insert what quiet time means, no tv or music without headphones, no guests or talking on the phone in the community areas of the flat]
who has trash detail and when? for us sometimes if we bag up the trash we put it by the front door and whomever goes out next will drop it in the trash can. Maybe she put it by the door and planned to take it out the next day and you just left first and ASSUMED she wanted you to do it so when you asked she said sure take it... not telling you she planned to do it...
as for your stick you can say to her "I don't mind you using my stick when I am at work from 8 am to 4 pm but when I get home at 4:30 I NEED it to be available for my use. If you can handle that I'll be happy to let you use it otherwise I'll keep it with me at all times." then give her a chance... if you get home and the time it's supposed to be ready comes and goes, when you get your stick back, KEEP IT and don't leave it for her to use. when she asks you can say to her "I'm sorry you didn't seem to understand that at 4:30 I need it so I figured it was just easier to not have that stress with you and I'll hold on to it." It may be snarky but it's not rude or impolite IMO
If she does not own the flat then she has no say in your guests as long as they do not get in her space. So draw up visiting rules
a. she may have guests on x x and x and they may or may not stay overnight
b. you may have guests on xx and x and they may or may not
both sets of visitation have to be the same.
why is she not living with her spouse and child?
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A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (17 June 2013):
 This woman is the "Alpha" of the flat! And she is getting very used to her new position! You need to curb this before it becomes too much of a habit. How can she leave rubbish out for you to clear? Use your things and let you wait for them? Tell you who and when you can invite over.
You need to approach this in a calm manner... don't get angry as it puts people on the defensive. And don't set a meeting... just catch her off guard and say... "look I've been meaning to draw the lines a little as I feel they are becoming blurry...I don't want you to get confused and mistaken yourself for an authority figure in my life... I pay rent and I need to be given the consideration I deserve!" End of story... if she does not co-operate then you need to be firm! If you don't draw the lines... she is going to run you and the house and make sure everything is to her needs! You really must put being too polite aside for a minute and make sure you get your point across. Good luck but don't beat yourself over the head about this. She should be the one feeling bad coz she has no consideration for other people's needs. Good luck hun xx
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 June 2013):
 Howizzit???... that you ended up as flatmate to this woman with whom you seem to have both nothing in-common, and constant angst?????
That said.... It certainly sounds like the two of you can never be flatmates..... so, I suggest, look for the quickest separation that you and she can arrange.... Can one of you stay in the flat (complete any lease term) whilest the other moves away?
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): *****I AM THE ORIGINAL POSTER*****
I forgot to mention: She does not own the flat. She rents it the same as me. We are also the only two people who live here.
Sorry for making this long, but I need to talk to her this evening and am going out of my mind. I could barely sleep last night because of this situation!
Thanks all !!
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