A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't know if you have heard of the relationship advice book 'the rules' but if you have you will understand when I say I'm a strict rules girl.I've been out of my healthy, good relationship for 5 months now, we split due to being busy building my own business.I'm currently single and the business is very successful. I'm not looking for a boyfriend but have met a lovely romantic gent that I'm really attracted to.I'm all about self respect, I'm 22 and I've only slept with 3 guys who I have been in long term relationships with. Here's the problem - with my business and close future plans I dont want a boyfriend. I'm feeling really strong urges for this guy, I'm starting to feel really sexually frustrated and no one else right now would cure it but him. (Or at least I wouldn't want anyone else to)So much so I feel it's trumping my self respect. I slept with him after 2/3 months of solid talking, it was romantic and electrifying. Then the heart stab - he didn't text me for 2 days (as a rules girl I couldn't make the first move)Since then he explained himself but I can't help think he's just a smooth talker. Now I'm stuck - I know I should wait to gain trust again before any sexual contact but my sexual urges are so strong. What should I do? I've tried masterbating but it doesn't cut it.How can I fulfill my urges but keep my self respect?Finding someone else and getting to know them could take at least another 3 months, I cannot wait that long. I hate how desperate I'm becoming and trying so hard not to show it.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (16 December 2013):
Dear OP,
My rule is: KNOW what you want. And be upfront and honest about it. If a guy says "yes" to what you want but gives you something else, you ditch him. That's self-respect.
Your post sounds like you aren't sure about what you want, at all. You say you don't want a relationship, yet you were dating the guy for almost three months. What was the purpose of the whole talking, then? Why do you hide behind some rules? Are you in love or not? Do you want sex without a relationship or not?
IF you find this guy attractive, but you don't want a relationship, then the only non-heartbreaking scenario is to NOT fall in love and be friends with benefits. If you keep on dating and having sex.. falling for him but pushing him away because you don't want a relationship, yet waiting for his texts all the time and suspecting him to be a smooth-talker.. you are going to have drama.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 December 2013):
 Well I know "the rules" backwards and forwards and I tossed it out the window for the more enlightened "why men love bitches"
same concept but a bit more updated.
the key is to be true to yourself. to respect yourself and not be a doormat. NOT to play games
if you like a guy and want to scratch an itch with him then do it... your concern (rightfully so) is possibly that you are afraid once you sleep with him you will feel out of control and want more and therefore you would be the aggressor here... but if you are not interested in more than scratching an itch why does it matter?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 December 2013):
 I think you need to toss the "Rules" out the window.
It's a book in game playing for women. It's going back to the "prehistoric" times where men "club" and "chase" and women play hard to get. Yes, I've read and honestly I laughed more then I had "aha" moments for sure.
Not saying that I'm an expert in relationship. But a relationship HAS to be organic. You can't "play" games with something as important as your Significant Other. Having MORALS and VALUES are good GUIDELINES to help you find your path by ONLY going by some "girl's cheat-codes to the perfect BF" is like shooting yourself in the foot in order to fit a pair of too small shoes. YOU are tying your SELF WORTH and SELF RESPECT up in these "rules".
Ir reminds me utterly on those LAME LAME "how to be a pick-up artist" for guys. It's ALL GAMES.
OK Off my soap box about "the Rules"...
And back to the question at hand.
If you don't FEEL you can trust the guy (or his excuse) then drop the contact with him, HE isn't for you.
Then either LEARN to have SOME semblance of control over your urges or find a man that IS worth of you and your trust.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 December 2013):
 Stop being so hypocritical....
Your first paragraph "tells" us just how pure and pristine you "are" (claim to be)....
... then, your sixth paragraph "tells" us that you are willing to compromise those lofty principles..... but, ooops, don't tell anybody!!!!!
I think you KNOW the "answer" to your "question"...
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): I would like to be sympathetic but its difficult.
Every male on the planet who has gotten past the age of 16 without becoming a serial rapist has already lived with years of sexual frustration. Its happening while they have the highest sex drive in their entire life. And its during the worst years of their self control. Do teenage boys get a medal for this?
Sexual frustration is not fun but it's a part of life. If you want to live by your morals (which I TOTALLY approve of, by the way) then you will make the sacrifices.
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A
female
reader, april.garcia41 +, writes (16 December 2013):
KEEP YOUR MIND BUSY and let him come to you. If you just want to have fun with him, go with the flow and avoid becoming too desperate. Don't show him that you want him desperately or else he will do what he wants with you and possibly even vanish. Don't act completely indifferent either. Try to maintain things balanced. Tease him and only show him you want him so bad in bed (during the act). Look deep into his eyes and enjoy yourself. Don't start over analyzing every single thing in your mind because you will give off an awkward vibe. Most importantly, be classy throughout. Don't beg, bombard, or show up unannounced. If he treats you bad or says something that makes you feel uncomfortable about yourself and you're still there wanting more, that's when you start disrespecting yourself. If so, you walk away... He needs to know you're worthy.
Wanting sex and taking control in bed because you want to make sure he makes you feel good is certainly not disrespecting yourself. Like I said, go with the flow and you're doing good by not wanting to be in a relationship so soon. Though, if love sparks unexpectedly happen, so be it.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (16 December 2013):
 OK, so I went to amazon and looked it up. Well mostly I read the titles and the reviews. so I have half a clue as to what you are talking about.
So what you want after a weekend without sex is for someone to tell you that you can break your own rules and still feel good about yourself. Some will be willing to tell you that the rules you live by are arbitrarily assigned by an outsider and you shouldn't base your self worth on someone else's rules. As a religious person I get that a lot. The fact of the matter is that the rules (whatever rules) are not arbitrarily assigned, they are consciously chosen. Sexual frustration is pretty normal really. It is putting of instant gratification in hopes of something better.
So my answer to your question "How can I fulfill my urges but keep my self respect?" is you can't. You are not willing to accept his excuse for not calling you. You are not able to trust him. I kind of get the feeling that you think you can rebuild trust with him in less that 3 months. That is the path you are currently pursuing, if he is understanding and willing, that would be a good direction to go.
Some other advice: He's probably going to be offended if he reads "the Rules" as an attempt to understand you. In other words, if he finds out that you are judging him unfit for doing exactly what you did by the book.
FA
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