A
female
age
36-40,
*nima_stella
writes:Hello! I'm new here and looking for some advice. To start, let me fill you in on my past. I am a 23 year old female living in the south. I grew up around a lot of drugs and sex was glorified in my family. I didn't really have any rules at all and was allowed to come and go as I pleased. I lost my virginity when I was 12 to someone I wasn't even in a relationship with. I hung out with a lot of older people and just wanted to be part of the crowd. I didn't get a lot of attention from my parents. My dad himself was a slut. In the 11 years that I have been sexually active, I have slept with 19 people. I had slept with 3 before my partner and never had an orgasm until her. When we broke up the first time, I went wild. I was involved in all sorts of drugs and a lot of different crowds. I kept sleeping with people hoping someone would accept me and love me, I've learned now that this was completely the wrong way to go about it. I let them use me for my body, my car, my money. I just wanted to feel wanted. Now, years later, she and I have gotten back together and have been handfasted. When we got reacquainted, I wanted to be honest with her. I told her everything about my past, and sometimes wonder if this was a mistake. When I was younger, I didn't believe love existed anymore. Until her. She showed me that I was worth more than the things I had been doing and helped me to lead a better life, and for that I am eternally grateful. From time to time she has problems with my past, saying she can't touch me without thinking of everyone I've been with. I have never cheated on her, never lied to her, and honestly believe that she is my soulmate. She has told me before that she loves me but that she is suffering. I'm not sure what to do. We're talking about seeking counseling as I am sure this is not an uncommon issue. I figured I'd try out a forum and see the responses I get. I regret my past, I regret being her first and her not being mine. I didn't always enjoy the sex and I think now that its because it was meaningless, it lacked passion, love, emotion. I've explained all of this to her and she still has problems accepting it. She is the only person I have ever made love to and don't really plan on getting to know anyone else like that were she to end up leaving me. (We have this joke,"other people cooties....eww.") Neither of us can imagine sleeping with anyone else now. I've offered to remain celibate for a year to prove to her that sex isn't everything to me, and she says she can't be in a relationship with a dead sex life. We both love each other very much, and she is trying to work through this with me. We've been married 4 years. Does anyone have some advice for helping her deal with feeling inadequate because of my sexual past and feeling dirty every time she touches me? I'm a totally different person than I was back then and I owe it all to her. Thanks for listening, and responses will be greatly appreciated.
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broke up, celibate, drugs, lost my virginity, money, orgasm, sex life, sexual past, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): Yes, counseling will help, if you get a good counselor and you truly open up to them."grew up around a lot of drugs and sex was glorified in my family. I didn't really have any rules at all and was allowed to come and go as I pleased. I lost my virginity when I was 12""I went wild. I was involved in all sorts of drugs and a lot of different crowds. I kept sleeping with people hoping someone would accept me and love me"Your sexuality has been "damaged" by this, early sexualization, and more likely than not you have some history of sex abuse and probably even rape (although you may not view it as such yet because of your "training").Get this book and read it. It may help you understand what happened to you, it is good reading for your partner as well. I found it very helpful.http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933On a personal note, my wife grew up like you did, it takes a long time to work through the damage that gets done in a short period of time. Starting now may save you from a lot of trouble later on.Good Luck
A
male
reader, JustinNki +, writes (25 December 2010):
 aw well honostly it makes me happy to see that all types of people are going thru the same thing. no matter what the sex is.my current girlfriend kinda sounds a little bit like your situation. and i know everything about her past. and it PISSES ME OFF. lolbut I think that no matter how much I might cringe at the thought of her with another guy, im glad -in a twisted way- to know everything. its good to know where the person came from.i wish the best in your relationship. its something your girlfriend will just have to get comfortable with.ive been dating my girl for almost two years and the thought of her past still pisses me off, but i wouldnt trade my relationship for anything :)good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): Look up Retroactive Jealousy. The term may be unfamiliar because this problem, no matter how common and normal, does not get much sympathy or respect in general. But there is lots of posts about it on Dearcupid.
Some people understand the problem and others don't. The people who don't get it are not usually very good for advice. They treat these feelings like they are a voluntary thing on the part of the afflicted person. Which is the farthest thing from the truth. It's not something they want to feel or get satisfaction from feeling. They may often hate their feelings as much as their partner with the sexual history does. But emotions do not obey logic and these feelings are emotions.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (21 December 2010):
 I think counseling is the way to go with this one. We've all done things in our past that we aren't proud of. Time and allowing ourselves to make mistakes (and learn from them) is part of life and growing up.
If counseling isn't an option, perhaps a trip to a book store will help. They often have a lot of self help books that might offer more insight into what is going on.
In addition, you may want to look at your use of alcohol and drugs and what impact they have had in your life. You may not have a daily problem with them, but it sounds like they too have negatively impacted your life and allowed you to mask pain. Perhaps it is time to put those things aside, permanently.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, dersita  +, writes (20 December 2010):
 I cant imagine her NOT dealing with it.
She needs to get on with life and stop remembering the past and start looking into the future. I have to agree that it is hard to touch a dirty soul-mate, but there's always a saying: FORGIVE AND FORGET AND JUST GET ON WITH THE REST!
GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!
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