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anonymous
writes: I seem to be able to meet and attract guys but not to be able to hold on to them. My last 2 ‘relationships’ only lasted a few months and both amicably, but both were ended by the guy saying he wanted to cool things off but we could ‘…stay friends…’. I don’t rush into things, and I’m not the ‘let’s get married after the 3rd date’, king –of-girl but equally I’m no door-mat either. Where I am I going wrong? My friends say I’m ‘…too nice…’ and that I should ‘treat them mean to keep them keen’ and I’m beginning to think that they may be right. What do you advise? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (8 January 2005):
 The first thing you need to do is ignore that stupid advice from your friends. "Treat them mean to keep them keen"? What kind of rubbish is that, anyway? Would you be bowled over with affection for someone who kept you at arm's length and pretended to regard you as mediocre company, just in the hope that you'd work harder at pleasing them? Hardly! That's just nonsense. The next thing to do is to reconsider those last two relationships, to see if there are any common factors to both of them.It may just have been your turn of phrase, but I have a little concern about your wording that you're unable to "hold on" to your boyfriends and that they were the ones to say they wanted to "cool things off" in both cases. This could suggest, even though you don't think you are, that you might be latching on, limpet-like, and scaring them off by too much attention, too soon.There is not a lot of detail in your letter to give clues as to exactly what happened - it could just have been two poor pairings recently, after all - but I urge you to think about a couple of possibilities: ...Did these two guys have any common traits that attracted you to each of them? For example, were they both from different social strata to you, or did they both belong to identifiable "types", such as surfers or bikies, etc? Was there something common to both of them that was just an insurmountable problem? It's also worth considering that you're attracted to guys who, for whatever reason, aren't interested in long-term relationships....Was it possible that you ignored clues that you were trying for exclusivity too soon, things like phoning him up every day, if he didn't contact you or "punishing" him for not being affectionate enough?...What is "not being a doormat" to you? Does it mean that you like to have an equal share in decisions and take responsibility on (good), or do you mean that you didn't hesitate to snipe if he didn't hold the door open for you (not so good)?The last thing to remember is that every man is a person first, and people are individuals. Most men like the feeling that they're in charge; but equally, they like their date to take the reins sometimes. Just like women do. There are no rules that apply across the board - least of all "treat 'em mean"! - meaning you have to play every new relationship by ear. Think about anything that might have struck you as odd or puzzling in your past experiences and try to think about whether you were ignoring some important indicator in order to focus on "holding on" to that man. If you really can "stay friends" with the men who dumped you (very hard to do), you might even be able to phone one of them and say you're sorry that things didn't work out, but in the interests of avoid repeats in the future, you wonder if he could tell you what was the main reason he felt it wouldn't work with you. Just be prepared for either eventuality; he might be totally caught off guard and be able to say nothing, or he might just give you an answer.Good luck!
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