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anonymous
writes:I'm 19 weeks pregnant by my ex boyfriend. It wasnt planned. We split in August and I found out I was pregnant in September. At first I was apprehensive about having the child but he promised me he would be there and support me however he didnt want to get back with me. I thought that was fine. Only now I'm really struggling with saving for a 2 bed flat/house and buy baby things. He has said that he will go halves with me on the baby things but I think he should pay some to go towards the new home for the baby. I currently live in a house share and cant stay once the baby is born. I have asked him for help with this and he said he cant afford it he can only afford to buy the baby stuff and even that is only half as I will have to pay half. I dont think this is fair. Fair enough he wont be living with me in the new flat/house but I cant afford to raise the deposit and 1 months rent by myself and I wouldnt even have to move out if I wasnt having a baby. All in all I have worked out that it will cost me around £2000. He has a good job and lives with his parents. He says they are having trouble paying the mortgage and have asked him to help them which I also think is unfair of them to ask when he has a baby on the way. Me and him have had a massive argument over this but basically it was left as he cant afford to help me move out, he was in fact shocked that I even asked! And that putting a roof over his parents heads are more important than his baby having a home. I dont know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): I agree..it seems unfair. I am amazed at how a couple can build a relationship together, make a baby but once it's over...it's done..they become like complete strangers. Now, I completely understood what you meant in regards to the rent. You could ask him that in lieu of the 'baby stuff' could he put the funds towards your deposit and first month's rent? List out the starting costs of what you need for baby's supplies (crib, clothing, diapers, and the gazillion other things that a baby needs) and put it on paper, with a grand total. He may begin thinking that paying the first month's rent and deposit, could be the better route to go, provided you dish out the full cost of the baby stuff. But if he won't help, there is absolutely nothing that can be said or done, to get him to do the rent thing.
Now about his parents and their mortgage. It's not up to you to state to him, he shouldn't be helping his parents pay their mortgage. You really have no say about what he wants with his money. He is 33 years old, obviously he's found a way to live comfortably at his parent's home and pay them room and board which likely goes toward the house payment. Listen, I am not in support of what he does, either...because most 33 year old adult males would cringe and turn a sickly green, at the thought of living at Mom and Dad's house. But like so many boomerang adult kids, he's found a way to save some cash, by living at home. And I understand your frustration..but sweety, how he lives his life and what he uses his money for...is no one's business. This is what he's thinking...if you have brought this 'issue' up to him. He doesn't care what you think here...really he doesn't. As a result, there is a underlying 'trust' issue going on here, too. He trusts his parents so he cares about them and is willing to help them. Plainly if you two are no longer together, he has disengaged and the trust isn't there. So he's being wary. However he has stepped up to the plate and offered to help with the baby supplies. You may have to accept it and look for other ways to pay this deposit.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): Hi, well i guess you could put that to him that you would rather he helped you moving into your own place rather than going halves. But i do know how you feel, my daughters dad went off when she was a baby and yes i agree they do seem to have it easier than us. My ex seemed also to live a great life whilst i srtuggled on so i do understand why you are feeling the way you are towards him. But as i said it is his choice to be this way and it seems from what you have put he thinks he is doing enough.It isnt fair but at the moment he does not need to offer you anything as you know, as i said it seems you will have to look at other ways to get some money together. I know it's hard for you, i was homeless for a few monthes when my daughter was born, but i hope that things improve for you, stay positive and focus on trying to find other ways, possibly the council can give you a grant or approach a charity for help, i did and was given bond money for my first house. Good luck and email me privatly if you want to talk more x
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): thanks for your answers. But when I said I think he should help me pay rent I dont mean for the whole time of me being there, I meant the deposit and 1st months rent which needs to be paid upfront before moving in. Money for this from him would be more helpful than him going halves on baby stuff as I really need to be out of my current place by March and I really cant afford to raise that on my own. Im aware I can get child support from him and I will be going down that route when its born. I dont believe however that he should help his mum and dad pay their mortgage, even if we are in a recession, they are old enough to look after themselves. He is 33 and shouldnt even be living at home I dont think. It does make me extremely frustrated tho, when i cant afford to buy my family xmas presents this year, but he can and he can also go out with friends partying etc.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): The relationship is over and all he is legally obligated to pay is a'child support' payments once this child is born. You need to investigate some legal avenues here. Look into the 'child support' laws in your area. That way, he'll pay you one monthly lump sum for the care of his child. And he will want visitation, as well. If he's offered to help you buy 'baby things', then that is a small positive..some single Moms, don't get even that. But he is not obligated to help you pay the rent on your place. This relationship is no longer active..it's over and when that happens, the custodial parent must be proactive in looking out for herself and any children she is raising.
When my husband of 23 years, left me and my son, 10 years ago...he told me all he would pay me a monthly child support payment. I worked and supported my son, paid my own rent/groceries/clothing, afterwards. We did not have any property at the time, which I was thankful of, as we would have been forced to sell the family home and the proceeds would have been split, with the ex.
So unless, you want this all to go the legal route with lawyers involved, I suggest you do some research and find out about getting child support from this guy. By law, it's likely he'll be on the hook for the next 18 years. Here in Canada, child support is paid according to the income the non-custodial parent earns. Some single Moms have had a legal paper drafted up where it states that their ex has to supply her with tax records every year, to confirm his earnings and how much he made that prior year. The child support payment was adjusted yearly, according to his earnings.
Sorry to say this, but he's viewing this whole scenario with you, much like a business deal..no emotions are involved, on his part. All you can expect from him, is a child support payment once this child is born. And sometimes, that is a big battle for some single Moms. If he's offered to help you with baby supplies, then clearly, he feels that is enough.
Get some legal advice pronto and start planning for this baby's future. Good luck, hun..be strong and look into child support laws, in your country.
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reader, BillyS +, writes (11 December 2009):
Money is always a problem in these situations. 1st of all i think this ex of yours needs to wake up and smell the after birth, it is his child you are having and that should mean more to him than anything as he now has a responsibility of helping to shape your childs future both with financial help and emotional support for you and the child. you should explain to him about the importance of having a roof over his child's head, if he fails to comply as i think he might from the sounds of his excuses then you might want to try going to the citinzens advise bureau they will give you advise on whether or not you are eligible for financial aid. I think that you should be. I know this must be a very difficult time for you and i hope your ex see sense.
Good luck with everything ;)
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): Hiya, I can understand why you are feeling peeved off that your ex is not helping towards you getting a roof over your heads. He has agreed to go halves on baby stuff, which, in all honesty he doesnt have to do. It is only when baby is born does he have to start paying maintainence so he possibly feels he is doing enough in terms of helping out before your baby is born.
I do understand your frustration though and i was in a similar situation to yourself. All you can do is put it across to him how important it is that you have a home for you and baby, maybe try and find a compromise, that he gives you at least what he can afford. But i wouldnt hold your breath by the sounds of it as you said he is shocked that you have asked him already.
It is a hard situation you are in but sadly if he doesnt agree then you will have to look at another way to raise the amount you need. But try and speak to him calmly as he may decide to not give you anything until the baby is born. Sadly the recession is hitting everyone and he does have to consider his parents who sound to be struggling. Maybe as he sees it you at least have a roof over your head and his parents may end up homeless if he doesnt help them.
If im honest he sounds like he is trying to be fair on everyone here, you and the baby and his family, so whilst i understand this is a worrying time for you, try and stay calm when you speak to him and look at other ways if he doesnt budge, you may find you dont ave a choice, best of luck for the future!!
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