A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really want to end my relationship with my current boyfriend, but there are so many reasons why it is becoming more and more difficult to do so. Firstly, his mum terrifies me - she apparently tried to run over his last girlfriend, and attacked her Mum! If I ended my relationship with him, I'd be scared for my life, and my parents'. Also, when I last broke up with someone, it was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do, because it hurt him so much. I can't bring myself to hurt another person that way, yet at the same time I am miserable with my boyfriend. He constantly puts me in the middle of himself and my best friends, he calls me a liar for reasons I can't understand, he goes through my phone and deletes the numbers of ex-boyfriends, or even guys I'm just friends with but he feels threatened by. Every day I spend with him is a huge effort because we always end up in an argument, over stupid reasons, and he manages to make it look like he's the one being victimised. He cheated on me once, yet when I bought it up because I was still feeling incredibly hurt, he started shouting at me and once again, turned the argument around to make him look good. I don't know what to do! It's like a catch 22 situation - I hate where I am with him now, but what if us being apart will make my life even more difficult?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (8 September 2009):
Breaking up is always hard when you still care for the person you are ending it with.
There are precautions for your safety I am sure you could take that would protect you and your mum (family) from retaliation. Set those in place.
Then... just do the deed. Promise yourself something at the end, if it helps - a treat to look forward to. Remind yourself when you're doing it about how great it will feel once you've done… the freedom, the reduced tension and stress in your life, the ability to make and keep whichever friends you choose to.
I recommend meeting in a public place for coffee. Its face to face, but you can leave safely and whenever you wish to (the sooner the better) without a scene or am altercation.
When you feel guilty while trying to break up with him, try to remember this:
1) He is probably sensing you feel differently already, which is why he is behaving so erratically.
2) When someone cuts you with a knife (a quick, clean cut) you heal better; more quickly, less scarring, than if someone cuts you with a spoon (a jagged, lingering, unclean cut)... right?
Let the break up be quick and clean and honest. Do not allow yourself to be guilt-tripped into prolonging BOTH of your agonies. You do him a disservice when you do not allow him to start his healing process sooner, or to be released to find someone better suited to him.
This point also applies to continued contact after the fact. If he calls, texts or sends emails, ignore them. Do not give false hope. Do not back down. By doing so you make it harder for him to move forward with his life.
3) You do not need his permission to end things. He does not need to understand or approve your decision. Don’t debate it with him. Just do it and quickly.
I hope this helps! Good luck!
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