A
female
age
,
*esperate housewife
writes:I've been married to my present husband for a year now. When we first got married, we didn't live together for almost 8 months! He finally moved in with us in January this year. 5 weeks later I found out that he loves to watch porn on the computer and masturbate at the same time!!!! Why would he want to do that when he's got ME? I only found out when he sneakingly went into the computer room and locked the door in the middle of the night when he thought I was asleep. I was awake alright... cos that evening I really thought that he would want to have some intimate time with me as it had been a while since we done anything! I had my sexy nighty on, hoping this would get him going, but he showed no interest in me whatsoever. I'm very attractive and always get told that I look 20 years younger than my actual age, but anyway that was a waste of time so I pretended to fall asleep as I had my suspicions on him. I followed him 5 minutes later and went to open the door. I was sooo hurt by his reaction that he still denied the fact that he was going to do something to pleasure himself!!!! His stupid excuse was he was about to have a cigerette! Who locks the door in the middle of the night to do that? I want to know how can I get my husbands attention? I've spent hundreds of pounds on sexy ligerie, toys, creams you name it. Nothing works. He only wants me when he's the mood, doesn't give a damn about my feelings. He doesn't show any passion when we do make love. I find 95% of the time I do everything to satisfy him and I hardly ever get anything back in return. On few occassions when I found out about his porn, I used to let him watch it while we made love..... that was a disaster cos he never paid any attention to me..... his eyes were glued to the TV screen. I'm so hurt about this whole situation cos he alternates between myself and his self sevice...lol (masturbates). I just want him to stop this filthy habbit... Any suggestions will be very much appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): Kick him out. that will be the only thing he'll understand. Porn is like a drug, he can't resist unless he chooses to himself.
A
female
reader, desperate housewife +, writes (20 May 2009):
desperate housewife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust wanna thank everyone who sent messages back to me regarding my question. It's good to know that I'm not on my own! Alot of the advice that I've been given.......I've tried but it's still no good! You see the thing is, my husband looks for any opportunity for me to just walk out the house so he has the freedom to pleasure himself!!!! Only last night we had some intimate time together!! And I had to pop out for a bit today and I thought the best time to do it was while he had his afternoon nap. But when I came back I found evidence of what he had been upto. He has one part of the wardrobe where he keeps his vaseline and baby oil. He doesn't know that I KNOW about this, and only last week I found some tissues next to his lubs. Everyday I check to see if how much has been used, only to find the tissue was gone and the oil less!!!!! This has really upset me even more and I have this lump in my throat and I just can't stop crying. Everytime I ask him any questions about what turns him on, he refuses to answer them. How the hell am I suppose to get to know him if he doesn't tell me! I've also noticed that when I do make an advance on him, he tells me that "he's not a machine" If that's the case why did he have a "SELF SERVICE?" Helpdan............you said, maybe he's watching the porn so he has some ideas of ways to please me.............Yeh he does, but not to please me.....but to do the things that he wants! And why the hell would I want to catch him watching porn in the middle of the night when he's feeling horny!!!!! This is not a good way to get his attention. I may not be in the mood. Don't I have a say in any of this? What about my feelings? I'm fed up of getting in the mood for him, but now it's come to a point where I'm going to set some boundries. We're going away in June for a month and when we get back I think I'll be able to face the consequences.....make or break! Tell me if this is the right thing to do? I'm also going to ask him tonight if he did do anything and see if he addmits it or denies it! Oh and if you don't hear from me sometimes, it's not that I'm ignoring you........it's cos I don't always have access to the damn computer(his computer), and using my phone to this web page is a little difficult at times. Thanks once again guys..........every little helps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2009): Thank you for your letters.I am going through absolute hell because of porn.My husband goes on it every day andhe's 64'He disgusts me cos they are younger than our grand-daughter.I am not a prude and I wouldn't mind but he is downloading it to his mobile phone.
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A
female
reader, Zarzyzarzar +, writes (18 May 2009):
My view is that some People don't mind porn but others do and if ur in a relationship healthy sexually or not and ur partner doesn't like u watching it u should b respectful and stop! I never used 2 mind porn but have since been in a bad relationship and i feel that if my boyfriend is getting himself off thinking of somebody else he may as well b having sex with her! Coz in his mind he is!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009): I find your posting so sad, hun. How much does he use porn? Some people do it every once in a while. Some do it daily. By the tone of your posting..I am feeling that your husband is doing this a lot. I ask that because you sound very sad and concerned here. And I think that any man who prefers "getting his rocks off' to internet porn rather than making love to the warm,loving woman in his bed, is a man who sounds like he's out of control here. And that is a huge concern in any marriage. Limited use of porn can enhance the marriage bed amd make sex fun between a couple. A lot of couples do it together.
Apparently his use of porn is not enhancing your sex life, because he's ignoring you, sexually. Your husband craves solitary sex with images on a computer screen means he's found a place where fantasy is real to him and he's overlooking the real people who love him and real relationships. The consequence is a man who views these images overly much can diminish the strength and solidarity of the marriage. Over time, when he does make love to you..a woman can't tell if he's making love to her or to the silicone porn star he just viewed moments before. What happens then, is you start feeling objectified and used. And the wife's self-esteem takes a huge nosedive. It seems your husband has a weakness, a pornography problem and now it's yours because it seems he finds internet porn a more desirable, attractive place to exist.
So yes, you are right to feel concerned and I am sorry and he needs help. Your husband may be addicted or well on his way, to continuously being titillated on the net and he's not thinking clearly. Internet porn addictions are pervasive these days and they are destroying marriages.
Is there hope for the marriage? Yes.. but first- the husband must "grasp the reality" that his actions are destructive to you, his wife and toward the marriage in general. Remember that you teach people how to treat you. Your partner is doing what he is doing, because he can get away with it. I'd set some boundaries and speak up, hun. Get tough, take a stand and if I were you, I would take steps to getting rid of the internet connection to your home and see if you can persuade your husband to get into counseling for a potential porn addiction.
Please discuss this problem with him, make him aware and ask him to consider getting some help. I wish you the best of luck, sweety...it's a tough place to be. Please be strong, take care and good luck.
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A
male
reader, helpdan? +, writes (17 May 2009):
most men watch porn!!all hes doing is just getting some ideas to what to do to you:) ask him what he wants and if he still does not do anything i think you should try and catch him in the night when hes watching porn when hes feeling horny and thats when he'll want to have sex with you, maybe any way!!!
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A
female
reader, Lina319  +, writes (17 May 2009):
 You need to have a long talk with your husband, about your sex life together, your displeasure, discomfort, and confusion. But most importantly, you have to discuss seeking professional help with him. You need to find a marital/sex counselor and help him with this behavior. This isn't a favorite pastime in moderation, this is an obsessive, infatuation that can become a sickness, a guilty pleasure and a nerve racking addiction. He needs help, because if this behavior keeps up, you of course will be fed up, and disappointed, and in the end you guys may split up, because lets face it sex is an important, not the most, but an important part of a healthy marriage. If you can not afford a counselor, I am sure there are websites that cater to this, and even books that can help you and him. The best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): I am having the same problem with my spouse. He has developed a feddish for pornography. He is in his early 40's. When we were first married, we had sex on a regular basis. Now and after 10 years of marriage, we may have sex once every other month, if that. He has a hard time reaching an erection and when he does he cannot reach an orgasm. Since the early part of 2009 and may have been happening earlier but I did not know, my spouse has been checking out the porn sights on daily basis.
I have no advice to offer but to let you know you are not alone.
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