A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is kind of long, so thanks in advance for those who read and respond. :)I am married to a wonderful man, "Jay". We have a very good relationship, and talk about everything, but there's one thing I don't feel I can bring up to him at this point. It's concerning his older brother - "Doug".Both Jay and Doug have very reserved personalities. They're both very sweet, and have very dry senses of humor, and are not usually outwardly affectionate. Doug has been married for some time (he's quite a few years older than Jay), and I always thought he was the loyal, polite sort. He's married to his first serious girlfriend, whom Jay loves like a sister. They've all known each other for ages... I'm the newcomer in this whole thing.Here's where things get weird. A couple of months ago Doug was over for dinner (his wife was out of town) and we all had a few drinks.We were all chatting about various things, but travel came up and Doug talked about all the places he'd been for business. I made a comment about how I'm always searched at airports. Doug remarked, "Well, I'd pat you down," staring right at me. He said it in the dry way he usually says things, so I took it as kind of a borderline, joking pass at me - harmless enough, like making a comment on someone you saw in a magazine. I don't know if Jay heard him or not, but if he did he brushed it off, too. Then Doug was talking about the best hotels where he'd stayed over the years. He cautioned us to never put condoms anywhere you'd think to have them, because hotel maids had often poked holes in his. I found this curious, since he's had a vasectomy some years ago, and so I said (in a fit of tipsy honesty), "Wait, why do you have condoms. Haven't you been fixed?" He replied, deadpan as ever, "Well, yes, but I don't want to get diseases." OK...But Doug's been married the entire time he's been traveling for business, and had his vasectomy before he got married. I was amazed he just out and admitted this. When I later brought it up to Jay, because I was so dumbstruck by the admission, Jay wouldn't even talk about it. I let it drop.Another time when Doug was over (without the wife again), we were playing Wii and Doug stood behind me, watching me play whatever game it was. While I was tallying up the score, he put his hand on the back of my head and caressed my hair, then moved down to the small of my back and let his hand rest there for a moment. The whole thing lasted maybe seven seconds. Jay didn't notice. I was too shocked to say anything.Recently Doug came over again and we'd all been having a good time and enjoying a few drinks (again. Doug was talking about how he took judo some years ago. I joked that he probably forgot it all by now, and he proceeded to get me in some sort of hold (and he did a few time throughout the night), which Jay later did say (to me only) that he thought **I** was being a little in-appropriate..... But that was it. Jay didn't want to talk about it anymore. I apologized, and joked that I thought Doug had the hots for me. Jay just laughed and said I was being ridiculous.I don't know what's going on here, but I do think that there's something going on. We've hung out many, many times over the years and even when we were all having some drinks, nothing like this has happened. It's only been the last few months that this behavior has manifested. I haven't changed my appearance, behavior, clothing, etc. in all that time. As far as I know, Doug and his wife are doing fine...... Doug has been more stressed at work lately, but nothing too major. So, is he hitting on me in earnest, or is he just letting off some steam? Maybe I'm sending out signals (or reading too much into this) because Jay and my sex life has been pretty lackluster over the last few months, too. But that's a topic for another post. Ugh. What do I do? Jay is completely unwilling to entertain the fact that his brother is doing anything amiss.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the insight, all. What's blown me away the most about this is that Doug has never, ever acted in any way inappropriately before. Not even close. And although it seems like he's being overt, the way he does things is very guarded and reserved. The thing about the condoms only came out when he'd had more than I'd seen him drink before.
No matter his reasons, I know that allowing him to do anything would be death for my relationship, his with his wife, and his with his brother. I need to find a way to talk about this with my husband.
I tried to broach the subject last night, using hypotheticals. Most of this went on a couple of months ago (with the exception of the incident that Jay witnessed), and Jay said there'd be no point in addressing maybe-inappropriate stuff that went on so long ago... :(
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (18 March 2010):
 Hun, I think that you have to back off from being too friendly with your brother in law.. just so that he will get the idea that you are not interested.
He is trying his luck, and wants to see if you are receptive to his attentions - all he wants from you is sex.. nothing else!!
Dont be alone with this man and when he does make inappropriate comments [eg.. about the condoms] ask him straight out and without a smile "Does your wife have any idea what you get up to??"
If he does touch you, move away from him, stay at arms length away - or move closer to your hubby...
If all else fails then you are going to have to tell the brother in law that if he keeps making inappropriate moves towards you that he will no longer be welcome in your home and that you will tell his wife what he really is like.
Hope this helps!
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A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (18 March 2010):
Doug and his wife are not doing fine at all? Doug is an arrogant prick and his behaviour is entirely unaccepatable. If Jay does not know this then what planet is he on!
If this is not stoped then Doug will turn up one day when Jay is not there. Doug will seek to have sex with you, all this behaviour has only one outcome and it is not a good one!
It really p----s me off when you (as a women) then try to justify everything by giving off signals = b----ks!
You are not in the wrong here - they are. Your brother-in-law wants to havce sex with you?
You need to tell Jay all that you have told us. Sit down and write a full account of this,think also about other incidents. This also tells me that you are concerned and worried.
While doing so also sort out what is not happening in your own bed??
Sorry it is in your face but I am from the Principality of Wales and this is the way we are!!!!
Good day
Kingdom
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