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anonymous
writes:A question 4 the guys!now im a strong woman i am who i am and proud of it!not constantly worried about how to make you guys like me!but ive lost faith in you guys!i dont wanna generalise but i dont have to date women so im not worried about them!are their any nice guys out there?anything yous wanna share too help restore my faith would be so much help! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni simply discussed one bad experience there have been plenty! i know people who give up on love when their hearts broken once mines been broken at least five times not to mention the other times i was badly hurt.
i never gave up i always believed i should learn from my mistakes not regret them.
i always still believed in love.
not too mention all the other bad shit thats happened.
i just ask myself how much do i have to take how strong do i have to be how hard do i have to become and how much of my own personality can i retain when life just keeps teaching me to be tougher and tougher. i dont hate men my second post was in anger in response to yours so that can be takin with a pinch of salt.
im just tired.
as for morals i couldnt be with anyone racist or predjudiced against people tho i believe in their right to think that but to my very core i believe its wrong.
i couldnt be with someone who wasnt interested in learning new things about life and the world we live in. who wasnt excited by things like music reading art etc
i dont wanna get married or have kids anytime soon if at all so im sure that would be an issue i also dont believe in getting a child involved with any organised religion till they are old enough to know what they are getting into i wouldnt wanna be married in a church so im sure they would all be issues.
Anon: your born alone you die alone.
Frank: This is just a sad way to see life. Did you exhibit this attitude before the break up? If so, it might explain why he did not want to stick around. I am not saying you are wrong or right. I am saying that if you beleive this, truely and deeply, you will unwittingly drive people away from you, to confirm your own beleif. And you will do it unconsciously.
frank may i be honest if you wanna give good advice stop making so many assumptions. now maybe im wrong but in my opinion your advices verges to much on blaming me.
im not saying ive no responsibility but not as much as you seem to assume.
and no i didnt drive him away with my negitive thoughts on love all the wonderful cynicalness you see before you he thought me! in fact i was quoting him! lemme guess then couldnt i see things werent right?
im sure its still my fault somehow and theres no way he just treated me badly.
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reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (3 November 2006):
 Hi There,
Frank: Sorry to have only gotten back to you now, been taking care of things at home. I want you to know that I appreciate the fact that you are continuing to write in, and are being honest.
Anon: My criteria would be some 1 whos kind and i can be myself with and they can be them selves with me too some 1 whos confident in themselves with out being arrogant im never attracted to guys based on looks really dont get me wrong i notice a gud looking guy but thats about it. basically it all comes from talking and getting to know each other that il feel a spark from,
Frank: OK. So far, so good. You have an idea of what you seek. Now I would like to ask you to consider, what kind of actions a man would exhibit to demonstate he has these same values.
But this is only a start. You talk about how you want him to make you feel. But you do not cover things like the person's values, beleifs, and way he lives his life. These things are just as important as to how he makes you feel.
Anon: but i cant imagine ever feeling that spark again cause some 1 i knew for two years first as a casual fling then as a gud friend and then in the 3rd year as a boyfriend in a year long relationship!
Frank: Ok, this sounds like the source of your pain. As unpleasant as it is, I want you to consider a few things. Firstly, when relationships start as a casual fling, it rarely works out into a serious relationship, as people categorize each other differently, than they would a potenatil life partner. Both men and women do this. It is not impossible to change the relationship, but it is rare that it works out in the long run.
The second thing is that if your anger and pain towards "all men" is based on this ONE bad experience, then you need to consider perhaps that maybe you need a little more life experience. When you first wrote your post, I was under the impression that you have been hurt REPEATEDLY, several times over. Now, based on your post, it seems to be coming from ONE bad experience. So based on the ONE, you claim to make a generalization about an entire GENDER? This type of thinking, at worst is going to land constant trouble into your life fueling lots of hatred for LOTS of people. At best, this thinking is immature. I will not ask how old you are, but emotionally, you may need some more life experience to put this into a healthier perspective.
Anon: Someone who i trusted completely who earned that trust from me. who as he became depressed reassured me over and over again it wasnt our relationship!then BAM ends it like it was nothing informs me he did not wanna be with me it had never been right,it depressed him being with me in an extremely cold emotionless manner taking ten minutes just walking down a busy street to end it.
Frank: OUCH! That hurts. It would hurt ANYONE that went through that. But the signs were there. He was unhappy. Perhaps the lesson for you here is to learn to see the signs. If he had to reassure you so much, was it becuase you sensed it?
Anon: So, now not only do i have to worry about people lying to me but about them lying to themselves so much so that how can i judge whats true and whats not. Solution is dont believe or rely on anyone but yourself.
Frank: Well....yes, I do have to agree. You DO need to rely on yourself. But part of learning to trust others again, is to learn to test them. I do not mean interogate the next man you date...but I do think that you need to screen men to see if they are comfortable with themselves, if they know what they want in life, and who they are. Not everyone is at that level.
Another issue about trusting others is to expect that they will let you down sometimes. Not becuase they are bad, but becuase they are HUMAN. Human beings are not perfect. They make mistakes. The idea that the one you love is never going to make mistakes and let you down is a fairytale fantasy that little children are brought up with. It does not exist in the real world. I trust my friends...but even in that trust, I also trust they will make mistakes, and hurt me in the process. It is part of the dark side of relationships. Where you draw the line about what is and is not acceptable is a personal choice. Draw it to firmly, and you isolate yourself from others. Draw it too loosely, and you allow yourself to be taken advantage of. To know your boundaries, and what you can handle means more life experience, and meeting more people, but not hating an entire gender for the acts of one idiot.
Anon: in my experience everyone lets you down friends family and relationships, you cannot depend on anything but your own strength and spirit to survive because nobody will always be there for you.
Frank: Please read the above. As for nobody being there for you...well, you came to this site, and there are strangers trying to be here for you, so that belief does not hold water. I will suggest that you consider your expectations. Are they too high? I am not trying to be a jerk here. It just sounds to me that you want someone to totally take care of you, and that is not reasonable. It takes two people. Each one taking care of each other AND themselves. The fairytale fantasy ideal of someone taking care of you totally mentally, emotionally and physically, is just not a reality. But what is a realtiy is being able to find someone that you and he, can take care of both of you.
Anon: your born alone you die alone.
Frank: This is just a sad way to see life. Did you exhibit this attitude before the break up? If so, it might explain why he did not want to stick around. I am not saying you are wrong or right. I am saying that if you beleive this, truely and deeply, you will unwittingly drive people away from you, to confirm your own beleif. And you will do it unconsciously.
Anon: love is something society has thought us exists. the need to procreate survivile of the speciecs the protection of ones young etc are true human instincts! is love? im not so sure.
Frank: Right now, you are hurt and disillusioned. Been there. That is why I changed the course of my life, and wrote the books I did. I too searched for what "love" is, and to discover IF it existed. My autobiography (From Loser to Seducer) is about that journey.
I can only tell you that I have been at the lowest point in my life (losing my ex-fiance) to being at the highest point in my life (finding true love), and everything in between. I BELIEVE THAT LOVE EXISTS. I have lived it, and continue to live it. I have found that truth for myself, but it only came with LOTS of soul searching. Once I found myself, I was able to fully love others, and be a better judge of character, than I ever was before. THAT is what enabled me to find actual love, and not have it be confused with compatibility or attraction.
I Hope that I have given you some food for thought, and that I addressed some of your questions.
-Frank B KErmit
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni dont think its bitter or twisted we are all a collection of our own experiences. some believe the need for love a concept which has not bein around tat long stems from our awareness of our own mortality when we are no longer connected to our parents and no longer connected with nature so we need to feel less alone in this world. in my experience everyone lets you down friends family and relationships, you cannot depend on anything but your own strength and spirit to survive because nobody will always be there for you. your born alone you die alone. love is something society has thought us exists. the need to procreate survivile of the speciecs the protection of ones young etc are true human instincts! is love? im not so sure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2006): "Solution is dont believe or rely on anyone but yourself."
Whilst you believe that you will remain single. You will make decisions in you life that your mind thinks is in your best interest so if you associate men, or relationships, with getting hurt, you will never find a relationship that will make you happy and one that is healthy.
Whilst not discounting your obvious pain, it is a fact that we all get hurt in life. Every single one of us. It's those who can pick themselves up, learn something new, and move on, who are the successful ones that get what they want out of life.
I think what you need to do is concentrate on "you" time. Forget men, and relationships, and focus on just you.
With time, painful feelings, anger and bitterness fade, and I'm sure in the future your heart will be more open and ready to meet someone new. Just don't remain bitter and twisted about men, or your past, because the only person it will hurt is yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question "They are not flashy guys, they may not be the best looking guys, but they know houw to touch and treat a woman. My guess is that you are too picky on the wrong things."hi frank my interpretation of flash would be wealthy, like when people say flash car etc!My criteria would be some 1 whos kind and i can be myself with and they can be them selves with me too some 1 whos confident in themselves with out being arrogant im never attracted to guys based on looks really dont get me wrong i notice a gud looking guy but thats about it. basically it all comes from talking and getting to know each other that il feel a spark from, but i cant imagine ever feeling that spark again cause some 1 i knew for two years first as a casual fling then as a gud friend and then in the 3rd year as a boyfriend in a year long relationship! Someone who i trusted completely who earned that trust from me. who as he became depressed reassured me over and over again it wasnt our relationship!then BAM ends it like it was nothing informs me he did not wanna be with me it had never been right,it depressed him being with me in an extremely cold emotionless manner taking ten minutes just walking down a busy street to end it.So, now not only do i have to worry about people lying to me but about them lying to themselves so much so that how can i judge whats true and whats not. Solution is dont believe or rely on anyone but yourself.
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reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (1 November 2006):
Hi there,
sorry frank but this was really the last thing i needed to hear! "My guess is that you are too picky on the wrong things. You get what you look for."
Its too bad you felt that way. I think you did not like hearing it, but maybe that might be why you wrote in here.
i didnt go into my situation very much because all i was hoping for was some responses from guys who are nice and have treated women well maybe a few nice storys! not the assumption i was to blame for my situation!
Ok, then here are some stories...
I dated a 28 yr old virgin girl, and when that relationship ended, she was still a virgin. Her virtue was important to her, and although I would have loved to have sex with her, I maintained her virtue even when she herself had moments of weakness.
I dated a girl with very low self esteem, who never had a boyfriend before. I focused on making her feel so incredibly sexual and attractive, that after she and I ended our relationship, she moved on with a new found confidence that she had never known before.
I once helped a young homeless couple get off the streets for two weeks during the winter holidays by giving them almost 100$, and expected nothing in return.
I wrote an autobiography entitled From Loser to Seducer s well as other books on addressing women's EMOTIONAL needs, that illustrates even more stories than this about the importence of being honest with women AND making all the women you care about feel SPECIAL.
I am not a chump. I am a seducer, and I happen to think of myself as a generous man that treats women with respect, dignity, love and compassion.
Now you have my stories...however, I doubt that this post alone is going to undo whtever pain you are in, from whatever it is you went through that prompted you to write to begin with. And yes, you exhibit that you are in pain. Your backlash came from out of the blue. If you are not in a position to take responsibilty for the situation you ended up in, then who can? There are people that do get married and find compatible nice people out there. If your response in this thread was any indication to the way you regularly communciate with others, that might be an indication as to why you are not attracting nice men to you.
My guess is that you are actually a very nice, and very strong woman, who has been brutally taken advantage of her good nature. That can make any person hurt and want to lash out. The only thing I can suggest is to look at your nature, and see if you do not have some set criteria about WHO you are nice too.
My other guess is that you want to good to people, and they take advantage of you, becuase you do not judge who to be good too, and who to keep at a distance. The world is not the way it "ought" to be, the world is the way it "is". Just because you are a good person, does not mean, others will be good to you. There are just some bad people in the world. To spot the nice ones, seek out the ones that like you for you, and that do not want to be with you, just because they want something out of you.
and my comment about being proud of who i am came from reading countless problems on here about "how do i make him like me" what do men want in a woman etc" and it upsets me that so many woman feel they have to change themselves to get male attention!
You should also be proud of who you are regardless if you are a man or a woman. In terms of changing who you are...well...here is my thought. If you are talking bout changing a fundamental beleif system and becoming a person that you yourself would not respect, then I agree, that is wrong. HOWEVER, if one person is talking about changing thei approach or communciation style to better attract more desireable potential partners, that is something we ALL do, consciously or not.
and you assumed i was attracted to people based on looks and wealth which could not be furture from the truth
Again, I ask you to re-read my first post with a dispassionate and neutral view. I never said anything "wealth". You interpreted that.
So lets take this to a newer level here...When you decide to date a guy, what is it exactly that you use to find the right criteria?
-Frank B Kermit
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry frank but this was really the last thing i needed to hear! "My guess is that you are too picky on the wrong things.
You get what you look for."
i didnt go into my situation very much because all i was hoping for was some responses from guys who are nice and have treated women well maybe a few nice storys! not the assumption i was to blame for my situation!
and my comment about being proud of who i am came from reading countless problems on here about "how do i make him like me" what do men want in a woman etc"and it upsets me that so many woman feel they have to change themselves to get male attention!
and you assumed i was attracted to people based on looks and wealth which could not be furture from the truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2006): I know you are asking for a man's point of view but I got to say something here, dear. It sounds like you have made some rotten choices in men and it's a bitter pill to swallow. We've all been there! Men and women alike. It's perfectly fine to be strong, independent woman and not take any crap from guys who have treated you badly. But you were being highly defensive and bitchy with Frank's good advice. It's like you are pegging ALL men into one category and that's unfair to them...and yourself. Get out there and be strong but be a happy, positive woman. Men will respect 'that' about you more than anything else. Learn to pick and choose what type of man is for you. You go into any new relationship using your head and the process of building this into a good quality mature relationship takes a long time and huge efforts on both parts. Before you begin dating any man right now...you need to recover from your grief and move on to a better and brighter tomorrow by retaining a happy and positive attitude. Not a bitchy, bitter one. I am guessing you have been badly hurt and as a result you have allowed your pain to make you suffer from a consuming grief, depression, anxiety, anger, low self-esteem, lack of closure and insecurities. Well, you can get beyond that. Breaking up with a toxic bf doesn't have to mean the end of the world to women! Look at it as a liberation of sorts. A strong, independent woman, gets through this hard period of her life with grace and finesse.
Keep smiling hun and accept people's assessment's and advice with integrity, next time. Stop being mired in pain..that's a useless way to live. Take what they've said and learn from it. That is how a truely strong woman operates in this world
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reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (30 October 2006):
Hello,
I want you to consider going back to my post and read it with a neutral dispassionate view. I never said that you should put up with less than proper behavior.
My point was, although apparently ill communicated, that the men that you go out with are the ones you CHOSE. Not all men are jerks. Some are, some are not.
If you keep dating jerks, then whatever it is that makes you chose to date jerks is the wrong things. Otherwise, you would be able to choose a man that treats you well, as you should be treated.
There are nice guys out there. Too shy to approach, to afraid to ever hurt women. If you are not attracted to them, then maybe it is your criteria that is off.
Expecting a man to treat you like a lady is correct, perfect and ideal. HOWEVER, if you only date jerks and expect that a jerk will change and treat you like a lady, you need to adjust HOW you chose to date the men you date.
If you are willing to discuss this further in a polite and appropiate manner, so I am. If all you are looking for is just a target for your rage, I am not interested in being your kicking ball.
-Frank B Kermit
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontoo picky on the wrong things ha!
il tell you now ive given a damn sight more to men in terms of love honesty and respect than ive ever gotten in return! if picky is not wanting to be with some asshole who hits on every woman in a bar or expecting more from a long term boyfriend when he ends your relationship than 5 emotionless minutes on the street!
if picky is not wanting to put up with male ego trips just because your nice they assume theyve to make no effort or can have you whenever they want!
if picky is expecting not to be cheated on lied to and hurt yeah damn straight im picky!
but on the wrong things!!!!
itl be a cold day in hell before i put up with any of that shit!
thanks for provin you guys really are assholes and apparently were just to picky!
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reader, Yos  +, writes (25 October 2006):
 All men are trouble. The difference is, some of us admit to it, and others don't ;)
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reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (25 October 2006):
You asked: are their any nice guys out there? anything yous wanna share too help restore my faith would be so much help!
I run a website for nice guys that want to connect with women...there are LOTS of them. Check out franktalks.com. Nice guys who can connect with women emotionally and rock them in the bedroom exist. They are not flashy guys, they may not be the best looking guys, but they know houw to touch and treat a woman. My guess is that you are too picky on the wrong things.
You get what you look for.
-Frank B Kermit
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2006): Hello strong women, glad to hear you are proud of who you are!
Of course their are nice guys out there... There are men who are on just the same wave length as you are. Nice people, though, men or women, are rare, so always keep a look out; you never know who will come in to your life and when!
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