A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok I know this may sound trivial but given the past couple of months in my LD relationship I dont want to mess anything up. I have posted quite a few times on here and always got good advice. I saw my LD bf last week and had a fanstastic weekend. Lately I have been very insecure and paranoid over things so much so it nearly ended our relationship as it wore my bf down so much. I have finally started to sort myself out now and things are going much better. it took nearly losing him for me to see how destructive my behaviour was being. I have booked some exhibition tickets for tomorrow for his Christmas present and asked last night if he would like me to book a hotel for us to stay in too. ( he lives about 2 hrs drive from me) He said no - it was fine he doesn't mind driving back the same day and to save my money ( I have some debts to pay and he said he would rather me spend the money on clearing them) Plus, he said, his Dad is moving out soon and I will be able to come down and see him every weekend. And we did spend all last weekend together. Ok just a little background on why I see this I wouldnt call it issue I would say niggle. He still keeps in touch with his ex and goes to stay with her every now and again. I dont like this but there are lots of factors around it ( she is nearly 50, 20 yrs his senior, suffers from a lot of serious health problems, has no family and he promised to help her with various things like cutting the grass etc when they split up.He knows the whole relationship with her was a mistake but feels a little responsible for her in a way) I have learnt to deal with this little by little and trust him.It shows he cares and has taken responsibility for his mistake- she thought he would always be around. But.... once I asked him how come he stays, was it really necerssary. His answer was its just too much to drive here and back in the same day ( she happens to live about 20 mins away from me) Now I am confused- I was gonna book the hotel thinking this was better for him because he had mentioned this before- plus it gives us a chance to be more intimate with each other ;), I suppose him saying no made me think he dxoesn't want to be sexual with me this weekend?. I said, if I do book it,he wouldnt have to drive back the same day and he replied, I would drive anywhere to spend time with you. So why does he not want to spend the night with me? I know we were together all last weekend but... is it just that he wants me to save my money? I am reading too much into this. I have a habit of thinking negatively about lots of things when really they are just as they are. He wants me to save my money as I spent enough on the tickets. He paid for last weekend so I wouldnt expect him to pay for hotels 2 weeks running. I am very reluctant to say anything as I dont want to (A)seem ungrateful that he drives 2hrs to see me. (B)keep bringing up the ex thing and (C)keep making a drama out of things all the time as this is what was wearing him down.What do you all think? Is it just as it seems? should I mention why I suggested it with the ex thing? or just leave it and have a good day? Am I making things out of stuff that isnt there?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (11 November 2011):
 I believe he is a very empathic giving man. He puts others first, even before himself. And he is honorable. He possibly would really really love to be feel more appreciated. And perhaps his older ex, ill though she is, gives him the appreciative feedback indicating that she needs him and tells him how very very appreciated he is. That would make him feel ten feet tall.
At all times he wants to do the most honorable thing.
He honors his word and wants to honor a commitment he made to his ex.
And he takes very seriously his wish to see your finances get back into order. So he thought he was being loving saving you from spending what he feels you do not have to waste.
It is not that he does not want you. You spent the weekend together. He may want to assist his father and spend time with his father. Who knows what his father has asked of him (as far as helping his father pack?). And he has made it clear that soon the two of you will have a lot more time together. So he thinks he has been fair to you.
He is with you. And looks forward to spending more time with you.
And visits her. To keep faith with a promise he gave.
He feels responsible for her, and as you mentioned, his ex has, "serious health problems, has no family and he promised to help her with various things like cutting the grass etc when they split up."
There are not that many men that kind.
He sounds like a keeper.
He has offered to you that he is looking forward to spending more time with you in the near future. That sounds like a man still wanting to see you and still needing you.
Doing the caring role with his ex would be emotionally draining. With you he wants more pure pleasure. And yes if you keep making a mountain out of what is not there he will start to feel too drained
Besides getting some counselling, to overcome the negative parnoia I suggest you also try the following:
1. Do not expect him to accept compliments easily. He needs encouragement to accept compliments. Because he has issues of feeling he has to work very hard at doing the right thing, by his standards, of what is right.
2. What he would like from you is a little less drama, and some more trust.
3. And although you will have to keep trying to give him compliments, which he will not always accept graciously and may even try to deflect and minimise, still keep complimenting him on what he does well, when he is doing the honorable thing, when he makes you feel good.
He really needs that response from you to validate all he tries to do. Things he thinks demonstrate his love for you.
Try not to get so rattled and suspicious.
It does not help you. It does not help him. And it affects your relationship and neither of you need that.
4. Make sure you give him some pampering from time to time. After he has showered put him into his man's dressing gown. and apply a lovely gentle back massage.
And while you massage his back put his feet into a foot soaker with warm water and a scented soothing oil in the water.
back massage completed, then lovingly massage his feet, still soaking in something nice, then gently pat his feet dry, lovingly put a thin layer of moisturiser cream over his feet. Pat his feet dry again and lead him off for more pampering, you know where.
5. Any time you are with him find little opportunities to notice anything nice you compliment him on.
He will thrive on such support. Don't go overboard, just a little thank you here, a little comment of appreciation there. Just let him know he's special. And that you NEED him.
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