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female
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anonymous
writes: hello i am heartbroken with a spouse who i love dearly and don't want to leave! we have 2 kids. My realationship is tainted with his use of porno videos and using the internet, i have explained to him how i feel also telling him i don't want to live like this for the rest of my life he continues to do it. I am heartbroken i just cry plzz help
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female
reader, fishfinger +, writes (18 November 2006):
Sorry, but you've got to face up to this, he is a pervert!! For the sake of your children and yourself you need to find someone better, I'm speaking from experience here, it will go from pornography to internet sex. Be brave. Regards, Fishfinger
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto the anonymous october 16th writer who has been thru this issue. I thank you, your response was heart felt
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2006): Hey there, it seems this is a common problem. My partner also seems to have decided that internet porn is the best way to spend his time. I have discussed it with him and he denies it constantly. When he does admit it (when I catch him out by getting porn pop ups whenever I access the net) he states that it is so he can learn how to use the computer!!!!It has gotten to the stage where he will often stay up all night looking at it, only to go to bed when I get up. I am soon to move interstate so wont have to put up with it for much longer but it makes me angry. Our sex life has dropped off heaps now and I often come in to our room to find him hiding the fact that he has been wanking....Do I just ignore this and hope these next few months go quickly? I don't expect any answers just needed a rant I reckon. Hope you all find solutions - it shouldn't be this way.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2006): I know exactly how you feel! (hugs)I have been married 8 years and have 2 children as well. I have caught my husband looking at porn on numerous occasions, we have fought, I have cried, he has left, I have left. I have begged and pleaded. He makes promises and then does not keep them, we started counseling and said he realized how it was hurting me and would stop, but I found out about a week ago it never stopped. I once again was hurt and that made him frustrated at me (his own guilt of course) and he has been living in a hotel. I gained alot of weight with our last child and my self esteem went down each time he looked at porn. He would reject me for sex and tell me that is sex drive was not as high as mine. I decided to make a chance for myself to make myself feel better and hopefully make him want ONLY me and not the porn. I have always been a size 12/14, I lost 50 pounds and a 5/6 now, and actually feel like I look better now than ever. But, he continued to look at it anyway. I have realized that it is NOT me, I am not the one with the problem HE is. It would not matter how skinny got, how tan I was or how big my boobs are. The thing that hurts when a husband looks at it is that they sometimes don't understand why it effects their wives. To them they think it is not real. To their wife the pain that it causes IS real. To me it is not just about the porn anymore, it is about the lack of respect for me, our home and our children. About the lies, deceit and betrayal I feel. I don't know where my marriage is headed, I don't know if I have the energy in me anymore for it. I do know one thing, his porn is not about ME, I am beautiful, and worth something. So are you. Only you will know when you have had enough. Follow your heart. Best of Luck to you and your family. I hope that he can see that you are all he needs and have respect for the way you feel about it.
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female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (17 October 2006):
 Thank you for waking me up. However, I asked a question and gave specific examples of the Sort of answer I was seeking. Why she objects to porn is very important. If she objects to porn because he is watching films that depict violence it is an entirely different can of worms than if she objects because sex is banned by her religious belief. Some women Have low self esteem and blame it on the porn their sexual partner watches...when it truly is the other way around. He watches porn because he can't make her believe she's great to him and he has to earn every sexual encounter. (like it is some horrible favor she must to for him sometimes) As her self esteem plummets...the obstacles he must face in order to win an encounter with her become insurmountable and he gives up and recedes into fantasy. The video is not mad at him because he left the toilet seat up, only mowed half the lawn, or ignored yet another rendition of the "lets talk about our feelings" speech smack dab in the last 1/4 of the super bowl.
when she talked AT him....explaining in detail what HER feelings were. What were his feelings? You have no idea...the man could be an artist who is sketching the naked form....or he could be some child molester looking at pictures of children. There are a billion degrees in between those two extremes. My insensitive answer was NO answer...it was another question....Yawn....ok back to my nap.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2006): HI, I empathise with you so much. I am splitting up with my boyfriend who I live with because of this. I have searched the internet only to find lots of articles saying its ok. It is not ok. I am a liberal woman who wouldn't mind him looking at a bit of porn now and again. But my boyfriend uses it constantly. He even lets me go to bed and stays in the living room and watches it. He could have had the real thing !!! He constantly watches lesbian porn and nothing else all the time. In answer to people who say this is fine I tell them to get a life. I have lost so much self esteem because of this and also he has lied to me on many many occasions. I asked him to stop and tried to explain how I felt unattractive unwanted and degraded. If I was away a lot or if it was once in a while I would be ok. But I know in my heart of hearts this is horrible and it has damaged the way I feel about him and myself. I am not married and I don't have children so I guess it is easier for me. I did love him but he won't change - but he isn't great in other areas as well. All I can say is good luck and seek help and advice. Talk to him - but get some counselling as once your self esteem starts to go you are in trouble. But take comfort in this email.. I empathise with you greatly and it hurts and its just not right. Its damaging and people do divorce over it. However - also things are worth talking through.. the problem is if he starts to lie and hide it. I would really let him know how it affects you and seek counselling. Otherwise he will just do it secretly.
Sorry I can't say the magic words to get him to stop... if I could I would be in a happy realtionship and who ever wrote the insensitive other message about what is wrong with it needs to really wake up to what life is all about.
Good Luck xxx
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female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (12 October 2006):
Ok I need more info. Exactly what is your objection to porn. Is it just a religious thing? Is it something that your mom would not approve of so He can't like it? Is it that you are too shy to see a naked body? You can't compete with silicone? There are a million reasons for someone to hate porn...and I am just wondering what your objection is to better help you. See most sex therapists use some porn for certain reasons but of course it can become an addiction like booze or gambling or romance novels.
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female
reader, BritneyMN +, writes (12 October 2006):
First what you need to do is sit down with him make him listen to you and tell him how you feel make sure he knows this is making you feel worthless.and unloved.Tell him if he DOES NOT stop with the porn than you want to take a break from him.You never know what you have till it's gone.
Take care sweetie.
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