A
female
age
30-35,
*lindfoldpin
writes:My boyfriend (27) and I (24) have been together for 2 years. We had been friends for 3 years before he asked me out. Around the 1 year mark maybe a little later my SO commented on how he doesn't even watch porn anymore. He said he just thought about us and was using his memories. I was incredibly touched. It meant so much to me that I was all he needed and wanted. The other night we were in his car and his phone auto connected to blue tooth. Well it was clearly pornography. I said "interesting title" no response "I thought you said you didn't like *specific thing in video id prefer not to specify*" no response "are you seriously just ignoring that this is happening right now" he says he didn't hear me and didn't realize what was happening. He admits he was watching porn but not that video and that it must have clicked a link in his pocket. I ask him why he lied to me. He said he never did. He said that may have been true at the time but that it was not anymore. I feel heartbroken. I feel like he fell less in love with me if he was content with our love life and he suddenly found that he wasn't and that he wanted to jerk it to other women. We continued to our date that night but I found myself unable to eat (struggling with body confidence and an eating disorder) He was agitated that I did not eat more than a bite of food and asked why he had even taken me out. I told him I was sorry and went to bed when we got home which also annoyed him. He worked the next day and I spent the day with a friend trying to forget about what I found out. We hung out a little later in the night. He initiated sex but could tell I was distracted. I told him I could not get the image of him fantasizing about other women out of my head. He said that we could wait and we went to sleep. He initiated again the next day and it happened again only this time I did not want to disappoint him and just tried my best to fake it but I am afraid he did know. I don't know how to get over this. I know people look at porn. I know that I am not a beautiful sex goddess. I know that my boyfriend might want to have sex other people without actually cheating on me and thats normal and something I need to just not be bothered by. I cannot help it though. Before I felt a level of intimacy during sex with him I had not experienced with anyone else and I just don't feel that closeness I felt when I thought we were both on the same page and wanted only each other.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 December 2017):
 I think you need to work on your own issues or else this is going to effect your relationship and any future relationships that you have. You need to learn to love yourself and only you can work on that. If you need to see a therapist to work through these issues then that might be the best way for you.
As for the porn, believe it or not a lot of women watch it as well. It is something to watch to relax and pleasure oneself. It doesn't inflict on your relationship and it certainly doesn't mean that you are not enough for him. Sometimes people want a quick release by themselves and they use it for a little help. I can tell you it is not personal and its not about how you look but you need to want to believe that yourself.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (30 November 2017):
 To me, porn does not mean that you are not good enough. The fact that he watches porn does not mean that he has replaced you with porn. (I know that this is weird coming from a female) but it´s true.
Porn just allows the user to fantasize... it is merely a fantasy. It doesn´t mean that he would realistically like a woman like that or that he even enjoys in reality what he sees in porn.
I think that there is more of an issue of how you view yourself, I believe that all women deserve to feel that they´re the bees knees so to speak. We´re strong and there´s so much to admire that no video can even begin to replace our actual worth. You need to know that you ARE enough.
As your guy said, he did not lie to you because at the time it was true. So don´t look at him as a liar because it wasn´t a lie at the time.
I do think that the two of you need to sit down and have a conversation about how this makes you feel because it´s only fair that you tell him. I think that it´s a conversation worth having and that having a discussion may clear up a lot and answer a lot of your questions but the porn that he watches is in no way a replacement.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2017): All the things the first ain't said about men are true . The do get off on variety and they do deflect and get defensive when they behave this way but none of that excuse the fact that this is essentially a very disrespectful and hurtful thing to do - to tell your partner I don't need or want to look at other women because your so stimulating to me then to sneak around and do exactly that . What message does that send to the woman
If you specifically told her the reason you didn't need to look at other women was because she is so stimulating and exciting to you then it's completely reasonable for her to assume the reason you now need to look is that she is now not as stimulating !
And in effect what the first aunt is saying by pointing out that on the initial stages one woman IS exciting enough to hold his attention but eventually he wants variety that is effectively exactly what is being said and to many women that's very hurtful to hear
That we become boring or not as exciting over time . That a man needs variety !!! Come on . Is that really fair ??? I certainly don't need variety of romance or being sweet talked by other men , told I'm beautiful and sexy etc . SURE ID LOVE it , but do I need it ? No
Women have needs to . To be made to feel attractive ! And our men become less effective give at that over time but unfortunate society tells us it's unacceptable to get our needs ( or rather our WANTS ) met outside our primary relationships through emotional affairs . However society encourages men to get their needs ( WANTS ) met outside the relationship through porn . Many women see this for the double standard it
Sorry your hurt OP . If you two discussed no porn and the importnance of that to you on a relationship then he had no right to trick you like so many men do . Sound like you two are incompatible . He won't change . There are a few men who believe porn is disrespectful in a relationship but perhaps an open relationship that's more able to give you the chance to get your needs met just like he is doing would be fairer ?
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (29 November 2017):
I think the anonymous poster has given you really good advice and I would endorse the answer fully.
You’re making the classic mistake many women make when they are distressed by discovering a partner watches porn: you think it says something about your relationship – that it’s a warning that all is not well. This is not necessarily the case.
A man doesn’t watch porn because he necessarily likes the type of woman in the images or prefers them to his partner, nor because he necessarily wants to enact anything he sees in the real world. A man understands that porn is an effortless way to indulge brute biology and get himself off, without having to do any work. Men often use it when stressed as a form of escape, or when they simply feel the need for some quick relief.
I am not denying that it can have a destructive impact on a relationship or that it can sometimes be used by men to distract themselves from addressing problems in their relationships, but only saying that you shouldn’t assume the worst. Neither should you assume that, because he watches porn, he does not find you any less desirable or feel any less an intimate and special connection with you his partner. This is not a rejection or criticism of you at all. In fact it’s probably not about you at all.
I expect your own body confidence issues are partly why you are assuming the worst. I also understand that you feel disappointed because you’ve found out something you don’t like about him. But try to talk to him without judgement or getting angry and ask him for honesty. Tell him how you feel and be willing to listen to his explanations. Don’t close your ears to his compliments and only hear things that confirm your fears.
I think this will give you a clearer perspective to decide what, if anything, you do about this.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2017): It's a very nice compliment to you if he was not watching porn. When people are in the first stages of love, limerence, obsession, and infatuation, men might not watch porn because of the hormone whirlwind that love produces. But infatuation is always going to fade and then you are stuck with the harder parts of a long term relationship. 99% of guys are going to watch porn because they are turned on by viewing naked bodies, and porn is everywhere, easy to get to, and free. That doesn't mean they watch and think about it all the time, and that they place no value on emotional love or their relationship. No man is going to never look at someone else forever, and the hottest celebrity women get cheated on by certain men because it isn't how hot you are, but that men are basely attracted to variety and showing sexual availability. The question that shows character is what does a man or woman do when they are tempted, if they are committed to someone.
The bigger issue here is if he was lying to you about watching a certain porn video. Guys often deflect, are silent, or get angry if they are confronted with something they don't want to share with you. But the healthiest relationships involve a lot of open, honest communication. He may be afraid that you would think he's a perv if he likes to watch a degrading sex act. He might of been afraid of the consequences if you found out he was watching porn and thus didn't want to admit to it, since when you found out you couldn't eat or want to have sex. Or he may have lied for another reason. Men who love you want to be your fantasy and fulfill your needs but sometimes that doesn't coincide exactly with who they are and their needs. You two are young and have a lot to learn about relationships. If he's not the one, and can't let you in (something that is very scary for most men and not something taken lightly since YOU can hurt them when they are honest and you judge them) there are plenty of other men who would like a chance to treat you right.
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