A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My partner and I love each other very much and have been together for a number of years BUT keep experiencing quite a bit of heartache due to differing sex drives.I have a very high sex drive and could easily have sex every day while he enjoys it if it is every four or five days. The resolve at present is that we have sex once or twice a week when he is in the mood. The problem with that is that he feels under constant and extreme pressure/anxiety knowing I want it more while I often feel very dissapointed and sexually repressed.The problem seems to be worsened by us each having different thoughts/logic about the issue and we both think the other is being selfish.I feel he is being selfish by us only being intimate at his choosing, while he thinks I am being selfish by wanting him to have more sex than he feels like because it is what I want.We both find it very difficult - him with the pressure and me with the sexual frustration, and for both of us all of the ill effects that both of those things bring with them.In summary: horrible. A wonderful loving relationship is being spoiled by this. Making things worse is the fact that neither of us know what to do about it. I would very much appreciate anyone's comments or advice.Thank you so very much.
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female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (4 February 2010):
 Hi.
I have this exact same problem. I love my bf very much and we have a great relationship apart from having completely different sex drives. I really wish I knew the answer. It feels awful that something like this can ruin such a good relationship.
There's an article in Psychologies magazine this month about this issue, women having a higher sex drive. You might find this helpful if you can find a copy. It suggested perhaps agreeing in specific days when you won't have sex so that your partner doesn't feel pressure on these days. Maybe agree to make a special effort when you both have time off at a weekend perhaps, to have a good sex session. Maybe spend the day in bed and try new things. And perhaps try what the girl below me said. Ask him to pleasure you in other ways oraly or with his fingers once or twice a week instead of sex so he doesn't have to be in the mood.
It is a shame when you really love someone but he doesn't want to have as much sex as you. I've been tearing my hair out over this problem, thinking he doesn't fancy me as much as i fancy him and feeling more and more frustrated because he doesn't seem to understand how important a good sex life is to me. He makes jokes about how he only wants it once a month. But at the end of the day its not a fun situation. The worst thing is its no one's fault, it's just a fact of nature that people have different sex drives. I think you just have to try to be understanding of each other and discuss your feelings about this. Try to come up with a compromise that suits you both.
Good luck! If you find the answer let me know :)
A
female
reader, red_headed_babe  +, writes (4 February 2010):
 My advice would be to stick with the "sex a couple of times a week" deal, but if you get too stressed about it, ask him to give you oral. It's quick and painless for him, and you satisfaction. Also, maybe you should consider going to couples' therapy to work this out. That sounds like it would be going way overboard, but therapists generally have some pretty good advice on this kind of thing. I hope this helps, and good luck to both of you. :]
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