A
female
age
51-59,
RomanceRecovery
writes:One of the most interesting things about romantic relationships is their ability to help us heal childhood wounds. Men and women alike are deeply, and often repeatedly, attracted to a romantic partner who has many of the same traits as their parents or primary care-givers. A new lover may not immediately remind you of your mother, and may even appear to be the opposite of your father. But rest assured, their key qualities will be a perfect match to one or both of your parents. I have long suspected this to be true, and have theorized that the reason is to give us the opportunity to heal the ways in which our parents wounded us as children. Think of it as a “do-over.” For example, if as a child your parents put unrealistic expectations on you, you might become an over-achiever. You’ll be really hard on yourself and not believe that you’re good enough just as you are. This dynamic will inevitably play out in your romantic relationships, giving you the chance to change your beliefs, become gentler with yourself, and learn how to love yourself more even if you’re 20 pounds overweight or can’t make a perfect pot roast. Or not, in which case your attempts at perfection will drive both you and your partner out of your minds. I recently read a book by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. called Getting the Love You Want. It was originally published in 1988 and re-released recently. Hendrix has pioneered Imago Relationship Therapy. Imago Relationship Therapy is a model that says we do, in fact, marry our parents in the form of our partner, in hopes of healing these childhood wounds. An Imago, which is a term Hendrix coined, is an inner image of the opposite sex that guides us in mate selection. It is a blend of all the positive and negative traits that most impacted you from both of your parents. It’s an image created by your subconscious mind.In all attempts to find “the One”, you are looking for the perfect Imago. Here’s an exercise you can to do begin to uncover some of the traits of your Imago, which will help you uncover your childhood wounds.1. Make a list of your 3-5 most significant partners, past and present2. Across the top of a sheet of paper, write their names3. under each name, write down at least 3 reasons you were initially attracted to him and/or what kept you attracted to him (try to go beyond “she was beautiful” to personality traits)4. under that, write down at least 2 reasons you split up (or if you’re still together, write the 2 things that irritate you most about her)5. Notice any patterns? Chances are there are similarities between your partners. For example, when I did this exercise, the most significant similarity was that my partners were all emotionally unavailable. It’s no coincidence that that is a strong trait that both of my parents share! This exercise will give you clues to what you’re looking for that your parents weren’t able to give you. Once you’re able to identify your core wounds, you’ll begin to heal them. You’ll learn to recognize what behaviors trigger that childhood wound. And you’ll learn how to discern between past hurt and present day actions. You’ll be less likely to blow things out of proportion, and more able to rationally discuss your feelings. Chances are you might still need the help of a trained professional, but you’ll be on your way to a healthier relationship with your partner and with yourself.
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