A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is sending me really bad mixed signals! From the outset, he's always been on the secretive side and never really willing to tell me anything too personal about himself. I've always attributed this to a) cultural differences (he's japanese and i'm english) and b) he's very concerned about appearing masculine so he doesn't like to appear weak. But it's starting to get on my nerves. Anyway, the reason I think he sends me mixed signals is because he's never willing to show me his phone which gives me the impression he has something to hide. Sometimes he doesn't answer calls in front of me but just says 'it's an old friend' and says he'll call them back later. This is getting extremely frustrating because it feels like he's keeping me on the sidelines. I've never met his friends (he says he doesn't have many close friends left because they've all gone back to their home countries. But it feels like he's not even giving me a chance to get to know him. Also, it's normally me who has to ask to see him rather than him asking me. He doesn't seem to mind me staying round his flat for the whole weekend (he always says yes) but he's not desperate to see me type thing. This all gives me the impression that he's hiding something like maybe another woman. However at the same time, when I do go round his place he'll ask me to stay for longer when I try and go and he deliberately tries to get me to leave my stuff there e.g. rucksack or face cream...just little things. Why would he do this if he has another woman? Also, whenever he comes round my place, he'll deliberately leave his stuff here like clean clothes etc. He also texts me every single day. Why is he trying to make his mark but at the same time keeping me on the sidelines? I don't understand. Anyway, my suspicions were heightened too much so I checked his phone and he had emails from his ex-girlfriend. Do you think that this is the reason he's behaving so cagey. Him and his ex-girlfriend were together for about 2 and a half years (she was also a westerner) but then they reached the point where she wanted to marry him but he was scared and not ready for commitment so he said no. She moved back to her home country and they broke up. I started dating him 2 months later but it feels like she is still very much on the scene. she sends him postcards and even an advent calendar for christmas. Do you think he still loves her and that's why he's not opening up to me. We behave like a normal couple in other respects...we go out and have dinner together or go shopping and we are sexually intimate. However when it comes to emotional stuff, it feels like I'm hammering on the door but he's only opening a window to give me a glimpse of what there is to him, so to speak. Why is this? He says he's into me but it's driving me crazy that he's just not putting any effort in. PLease help!
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female
reader, sappygirl  +, writes (16 September 2008):
 Being Asian, and dating Asian all my life, i have to say all of them seem to be raised this way. Very "masculine" and controlled with their emotions. Drives us NUTS!! it's like we can't get anything out of them.
i think the problem is they are not will to share or open up until they are ready. And unfortunately it seems like they are never ready. I've learn how to deal with these guys is to either walk away and find someone who's emotionaly available. Or if you stick around, act like you don't care. Live your life, stay busy. Don't make him number one in your life. The more you want, the more you care, they start running and act distant. it's like a crazy game they love to play.
he could also be a player, that is why he's so secretive. They love to have many women and have their options open. Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat do you mean emotionally unavailable? That he doesn't like me or that he's still in love with his ex-girlfriend?
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