A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am having problems trusting my boyfriend,but he says im crazymy boyfriend used to be very open with his email,his phone,his friends.He would not care if I was on his laptop and his email was open,and would share all his pics with meHe was so open with his stuff without me asking that I never felt like going through his stuff,but recently he changed his passwords,locked his cell,and wont let me near his stuff yet he always wants to look at my laptop,my phone and always is asking who I am talking to...he even tries to go through my picturesI feel this is very unfair,and one sided...im really hurt by this,and he has changed a lot since he has a new friend and he does everything she says...I have really lost trust and respect for him,and i do not think this can be fixed,am I being crazy or would this bother you too?i think that if he was always so open and honest before and now being like this i cannot trust him,he says he wants to get married soon and be with me forever but how can you want to be forever with someone you dont trust (as apparently he does not trust me respecting his privacy)im just so hurt because he demands i tell him who i am with and made me introduce him all my family and friends to him,and if i dont answer my phone he gets mad at me,and calls my friends at 1 AM asking them to have me call him...i feel that it is so unfair...i have to be open with everything in my life,and he just wonthe was open before so it didnt bother me,now he changed and I feel it is so unfairI dont want to force him to be open with me,but i am not sure how to take this...please help me Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (6 August 2013):
 OP, good luck with this weekend and whatever you decide is best for you. And keep us posted, if it helps you.
Personally I think you should have walked away after the phone snatching malarkey, but that's easy to say as an objective outsider. Less easy when you're the one who is emotionally invested. But perhaps in the time between now and the weekend, you can draw back a bit and reflect. I hope so.
All the best to you. X
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 August 2013):
 Good luck, I don't envy your position. It's never fun when a relationship goes from good to bad and you don't notice it till alarm bells start ringing.
I REALLY think you need to talk to him as to WHY he all of a sudden don't trust you. Ask him WHAT you have done that makes him not trust you. If he can't explain this (in a way that you can understand and accept) then I do think he is projecting his own guilt onto you. Which quite frankly isn't fair.
People change over time, that is a given. Some times you simply outgrow a person. As much as that suck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDaisy Daisy: he changed so much from the guy I fell in love with,i still care about him a lot but you are right i dont feel he cares about me or my feelings anymore he is just projecting onto me like person1234 says... he stopped caring about what I am feeling
you guys are right i really dont see a solution,i will have a talk with him when we see each other this weekend but i dont have much hope
XX
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"You can both delete stuff so it's pointless to HAVE to swap phones, you should BE ABLE to NOT have to go though your partners phone and STILL trust him/her."
I agree with you,i trust him,and i dont want to go through his phone just was concerned about his change...i feel the same way as u,i should trust him and he should trust me.
"The question is DO YOU think it will make things better if you DO swap? Will it change ANYTHING?"
Not really,it wont change a thing.i feel his secrecy and attitude have broken my trust,and while i am not accusing him of cheating it doesnt even matter anymore...i really did not even want to swap ,before i could use his phone and he wouldnt care.now he cares a lot which is why i was concerned not because i want to search his phone
"What was his reason for NEEDING to go through yours? What reason did he have for YOU needed to build trust? Have YOU done anything to make him NOT trust you?"
he saw i was texting and he could not read it because of where i was sitting,he needs to know who i am texting. his reason was that he wants to start building trust again so i should give him my phone and let him read my texts and emails.A few days ago he would not even let me near his stuff,now he did this 360 so he could look through my stuff
no never,i've never lied to him and i have never cheated in any way....i only have female friends so there is no way for me to even cheat.
I havent mentioned his friend to him either because i dont want to make matters worse
Thank you for your answers
XOXO
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (5 August 2013):
OP, all I can add is that none of this is normal in a happy relationship. I don't see the trust, love, care & respect that you should have for one another. Wishing you all the best X
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 August 2013):
You can both delete stuff so it's pointless to HAVE to swap phones, you should BE ABLE to NOT have to go though your partners phone and STILL trust him/her.
The question is DO YOU think it will make things better if you DO swap? Will it change ANYTHING?
What was his reason for NEEDING to go through yours? What reason did he have for YOU needed to build trust? Have YOU done anything to make him NOT trust you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all X
I put my foot down and said NO,because I felt disrespected by somone taking my phone away by force and literally demanding to check through it to see if im cheating...He wont even give me my phone back because he says ill delete stuff
I was concerned about his change but it doesn't mean I want to be checking up on him...thats not a trusting relationship
he says he wants to build trust now and that's why we should both give our phones to each other right now...I dont feel this right because he is just doing it because he is jealous and doesn't trust me
But 2 weeks ago he got really agitated that I might have gone through his phone.
he is jealous so he says that I have stuff to hide because im not giving up my phone willingly...he talks to female friends about us but he fears me talking to other guys and thinks I might cheat if we are fighting
I've never cheated
Is he right?should we exchange phones? To me he probably deleted all he didn't want me to see before
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (4 August 2013):
OP, if he's anything like the guy I once snooped on, he will have been smart enough and deleted all incriminating evidence from his phone, so whatever you find or don't find, it won't prove a thing. Before the era of smart phones, the ex I 'caught out' had only been able to erase all his call history (not enough in itself as evidence of wrong doings, but that was confirmed later). Now call history etc can be erased one by one, everything can be carefully edited. You can look at his phone and it might show no evidence, but focus on his ACTIONS. They are downright shady. And him snatching your phone and demanding your PIN is wrong on so many levels. Be strong.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 August 2013):
THAT is not OK, and you need to tell him in no uncertain terms. ASK him why he thinks it's OK to demand this of you.
And then YOU decide if this is an OK way for him to treat you. It will NEVER stop if you don't either end it or nip it in the bud!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2013): OP, responding to your most recent post, WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH THIS GUY? No one should be allowed to just snatch your phone like that. And do you have any idea how ridiculous it is for you two to exchange phones? It might seem like a fair compromise, but what healthy relationship is based on a...business transaction (for the lack of a better word)?
Next thing you know he'll be asking to exchange Facebook passwords or whatever other social networking sites you two might use to see who you've been private messaging.
My friend dated a jerk who would get jealous if she talked to other guys, but then he'd go out and party and flirt up the girls. A hypocrite. And turned out, he was cheating on her.
Hypocritical behavior on the issues of trust usually means someone's cheating or someone's overly insecure or controlling.
Don't tolerate this sort of hypocrisy and overreaction. Look past his old behavior when he was an open guy and see him for who he is now. Try explaining how wrong his behavior is. If not, end the relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all,he saw me texting and immediately took my phone away and said he needed to go through it!
He feels jealous so now he took my phone away by force and wouldnt give it back to until I told him my phone pin and he offered his phone in exchange...
Tho now to me he could have deleted all the evidence and is just offering his phone now because he wants to go through mine...I dont know what to make of this.....
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (4 August 2013):
I'm in total agreement with person12345.
Based on prior (unhappy, sad) experience, I see the red flags - the new female "friend" and the secretive behaviour are highly suspect.
No, you're not going crazy, OP. You are not the one that's changed. You need to confront him, bring it to some sort of conclusion. If he's innocent, you won't have to "force" him to be open.
Sorry for how you must be feeling. Keep strong and remember that you are not crazy; you are following your gut and it's probably right.
Take care x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 August 2013):
You are in change of how YOU let him treat you. JUST because he is your BF doesn't mean he has ANY rights to go through your stuff without YOUR permission. Which mean you can tell him, NO.
Something is going on if this is new behavior. And IF you want any kind of future with this guy you NEED to address this - I wouldn't mention the "friend" either for now, but let him know that this is not going to continue as it is right now.
If you don't feel that you can make him understand and HE is willing to help rebuild the trust, then what do you two have to build on?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 August 2013):
 You need to decide what sort of relationship you want ....
I would not share my passwords with him if I were you, you should not be sharing your passwords with anybody. If you don't mind him looking at your stuff you can say, "sure, let me log in for you .." Ask him to log in his cell or lap top so you can look at HIS pictures while he is looking at yours, yes, its the old you show me yours and I'll show you mine routine. If he doesn't agree, just tell him you don't feel like showing him yours right now, maybe you will feel more like it later. Don't be bullied.
Your friends need to tell him phoning at 1am to pass on messages is not acceptable unless somebody has been hurt or died. If he does call them, ask them to tell him they'll take a message and pass it on in the morning, he'll soon stop that bad behaviour.
You intimate his behaviour changed when a new friend (female) came on the scene, I would for now leave her out of the equation. although the situation does seem a tad suspicious.
I don't see this relationship going on for much longer if his secrecy persists .... good relationships have balance and fairness, and while they are never 100% equal in all things they usually balance out in some way or other.
Your relationship at the moment is heavily weighted towards your boyfriend and what he wants, and what he says, and what he does. and when you call him out he calls you crazy. When he calls you crazy ask him to give you access to his stuff, I'll bet you he won't, and that's when you pick up your purse and say "see ya later". Start walking and don't look back, you deserve better than you are getting right now!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 August 2013):
 Honestly, it sounds like this new "friend" could be someone he is cheating with or planning to cheat with. Paranoia is a classic symptom of someone feeling guilty. He is projecting onto you. That's a red flag, and then keeping all his communications under lock and key suddenly, that's another.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2013):
I feel you have a legitimate issue.. He has changed his behaviour, you need to sit him down and ask him 'why' tell him your playing anymore games its to tiresome .. If he wants access to your phone etc then you have access to his .. Put your phone on the table and push it over to where he sitting and then suggest he does the same ..
If he doesn't .. I think you have your answer.. People who start hiding stuff are normal up to no good.. As for his new female friend .. He should be more interested in what you have to say etc and if this girl is telling him stuff and he's following her suggestions then there more there than what mets the eye and if I were you I would let them get on with him..
And tell him adios when you get round to figuring out what you want join the queue as you won't be my first choice lol I mean he treating you like a door mat..
Stop him from wiping his feet.. Once you cleared the air you will feel alot better. X
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2013): Dump him.
This new friend of his has him whipped and you deserve so much better.
And should he question why then you explain to him what you said to us. The last thing you need is to tie the knot with someone that does not value or respect you. Trust is everything!
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