A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've searched for answers to my question and haven't really found it so here it is...I've been dating someone for 2 years, we were both ending marriages and in a way, left for eachother...BAD I KNOW BUT we didn't meet each other then leave, we've known each other for years as friends and couples but neither of us really happy in our marriages. I guess we helped push each other towards the inevitable. Both of us were planning on divorcing whether we found eachother or not....That being said, we both have children with our ex's and I spend as much time with mine as I can. I have dissolved my relationship with my ex, I respect him as the father of my kids etc but he is not my direct family, my kids are, my boyfriend is and MY family is.He however still sees his ex as family, not only the mother of his kids. He spends family time together, just them and the kids and spends little time alone with his children. He had a lot of guilt in the beginning for breaking up his family and so did I! But I've developed a new family and he hasn't.I feel like he is hanging on to his "family" and the nice feelings it brings. He says it's for the kids (16 and 19)so then why cant spend family time with his kids without his ex there? I get the holidays, when there are a lot of family members present...they were together a long time after all. But movie night? Birthdays, her's, the kids and his? things like that. It makes me uneasy and makes me feel like he is not emotionally divorced and has no desire to be so.I've voiced my opinion, expressing my hurt, confusion etc and it comes down to this is how he wants it. I am all for divorced parents getting along for the kids! I think it's very important but where does the line draw? It's been like this from day one and I've tried to understand and accept it but now after 2 years and him basically telling me these are his wishes and If I can't accept them then we have problems. He wont do anything, even back off a little to ease my fears and that makes me feel like second fiddle. If he knows how deeply it hurts and how uneasy it makes me, why can't he just back off? I'm not saying completely, I'm just saying ease up on the "special family get togethers" and spend more quality time alone with the kids without her. It's like he can't be a family with his kids without her and has no interest in trying. He enjoys the time they spend together, Christmas mornings, dinner, pretty much any time he spends with her..If he refuses to do anything different even knowing how I feel what do I do? Should I not be in this kind of relationship and is it too much for me to ask?
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christmas, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, my ex, no desire Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2012): I still think after 2 years he spends an unusual amount of time with his Ex, her birthday,his birthday etc,its a pity he cant just pick the kids up and have 'their'time at his, but if you've talked and your now happy with the arrangements then thats fair enough.
As you don't live together I guess the time he spends away from you is quite alot,with his family,job and social life.Then you have your children to see and your life.
It sounds like your moving forward though,communicating, so good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI though maybe in my original post I had said I was living with my "lover" but I didn't so If I had implied that, it was not intentional. We do not live together and the first and foremost reason for this is our children...
I have discussed with my children how they felt about the relationship from the start and continue to do so. To this day, when my children as well as his are with us as a couple, we behave as friends and devote our attention to the kids, not each other.
If at any point, my children told me or if I felt any sort of discomfort from their part I would certainly put them first. This hasn't been a factor so I haven't had to change anything in that aspect.
I also have not "forced" my "lover" to end communication with his ex in any way. We have discussed how I felt and I've heard his reasons for the reasons he does what he does so I now have a better understanding.
Like I said, this is a whole new world for all involved and it's complicated for all. By keeping open communication with each other and our children we will both have a better understanding of how to react.
I appreciate the responses but it seems like some of them were based on added details that were not mentioned.
Thanks
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): So OP u and this man were family friends with each other And your spuses and then u both cheated on your spouses and then left your marriages to live together? This must have been a very traumatic time for everyone especially your spouses and your kids? Right?
OP instead of blasting the Anon for his accurate take on your lives lives perhaps u need to remove your blinkers. U say that u try to spend as much time with your kids as possible: which begs the question, did u abandone your kids to be with your lover? Did u leave them with your hb and then move in with your hb? If this is indeed true then u are living in la la land assuming that your kids are ok with what u have done to them and their home. ( I am hoping that u had the decency to take your kids with u when u left your marriage to be with your lover)
Anon male makes a lot of sense: i trust the OP could open her mind to the realities of her cheating. If your kids have not reacted or if they are indifferent to your cheating and you moving in with your lover then u have more problems than u are willing to admit. Yes your kids may not have the guts to tell u to your face about their turmoil but trust me, they were affected. U just dont realise it.
When my hb and I had issues in our marriage our kids wer "traumatised", as we overcame our communication issues we had to sit our kids down, asked them for forgiveness and apologised for making their lives a nightmare.
So OP i suggest u re visit the situation with your kids bec if u dont there will be hell to pay later. Perhaps u think that they adjusted pretty well to your lover seeing that they knew him previously. They may known him socially previously as a friend of the parents but Not as their mothers lover. This is a very big differance.
OP i am now glad that u resolved your differences with this other man but i think u are going to regret FORCING him to abandone his wife as well. She is still the mother of his kids and they do have a history together. Yes he does feel guilty for cheating on her, in fact what self respecting person wont? By u forcing him to not be social with her it means that u are insecure and that u still see her as a threat. Plse remember he was her hb first and then u took him away. Yes all that nonsense about the marriage having cracks before your affair started is true but the reality is that u both were married to others, cheated, then left your marriages for each other. U have not walked in his wifes shoes so u have no clue what she went through/ is going through. The fact that u all knew each other makes this so much worse.
So for now this man and u have resolved any misunderstanding. Its time to now focus on your kids and see where the damage is, how deep rooted it is and for u to acknowledge that this life changing event affected them as well.
OP u may take offense to the Anon males comments but sadly it is a reality which u have chosen to ignore.
Time to now focus again on your kids and not on your affair partner. OP u may not like what i wrote but someone needs to point u in the right direction, removing your blinkers.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, we did discuss it and he agreed that he wasn't being very thoughtful of my feelings. He now understands where I'm coming from and I understand where he's coming from. I was sadly preparing myself to move on as some of you said, and I appreciate the advice, but I'm happy that we were able to talk it out. Neither of us have ever been in a relationship with someone who is divorced with children and it's tough at times. We love each other very much and are both willing to make adjustments to make it work :) To anonymous who just chose to copy parts of my post and reply harshly, try reading what is said instead of adding your assumptions. I didn't mention anything about my kids feeling negatively towards him, in fact they have known him as long as I have, like him very much and enjoy being with him. I guess you must have been "dumped" and are obviously pretty bitter...People post here for advice weather it's bad or good. They don't post to be attacked....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): I don't think he's moved on at all, in fact I am surprised he isn't back there living with them
Yes its great he spends time with his children, but he is practically doing all he did when married - but is in a relationship with you.His children aren't babies so he could see them anywhere, without his ex,however he chooses not too.
Can't see him changing to suit you as he is happy with things as they are and no doubt his kids are too.
Perhaps you should consider your options
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 February 2012):
 I believe you are deceiving yourself in such a manner that will result in some real heartbreak for you, in the future...Good luck.....
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (19 February 2012):
 I feel you. The truth is, your BF has not moved on. His children are old enough to be with their father alone and without supervision. What you need to do is let him know exactly how you feel, and be ready to move on if his answer is not what you ready to conceed.
I wish you the best of luck!
Jeff
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): "It's like he can't be a family with his kids without her.'You are absolutely 100% correct, he can't. His kids consider both parents as equal members of their family in good standing, as they should. "I respect him as the father of my kids etc but he is not my direct family, my kids are, my boyfriend is and MY family is."You may consider your boyfriend as part of YOUR family but I'd be very surprised if your kids share the same august opinion regarding the stranger for whom Mom dumped Dad and with whom she is now shacking up. Even if they don't hate him for breaking up their home and driving a wedge between their parents, they have no legal relationship to him by marriage, adoption or blood, nor have they any obligation or reason to pretend otherwise. "If he refuses to do anything different even knowing how I feel what do I do?"Respect that as a parent, he will always put his kids' interests before his own. I'm sure he respects that as a parent, you don't. Unfortunately the man who chooses his kids over the other woman always wins over the woman who chooses the other man over her kids. "Should I not be in this kind of relationship and is it too much for me to ask?"Yes, you shouldn't and yes, it is.So what are your plans for Christmas considering your probably-by-then-ex will be with his kids as part of their family and your alienated resentful kids will be with the person you respect as their father?
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