A
female
age
30-35,
*gray
writes:I have been dating a new guy for about 4 months now. Our relationship moved pretty fast but we were both happy about it.He is a friend of my brothers, totally opposite of any guy I ever dated. I have a little boy who will be 2 in a few months and he has ben so amazing with him. Over father days week end we decided that he woudl move in with my son and I. His lease was up on his apartment and he spend every night here any way so it made sense.My old relationship with my sons father was toxic. he was verbally and physically abusive, controling and did a number on my self esteem. He cheated on my several times. Every time he woudl cheat on me or we go ino a fight I woukd run to him and have sex because I wanted him to want me. I would feel horrible afterwards but continue to do it. It took a while for me to finally leave the relationship.I thought I found the perfect guy in my new bf. he was sweet, loving, caring. Seemed to know how to handle any mood I was in. He made me feel special. Until this past weekend. Friday night he went out with my brother and som friends they work with and went to the strippers, he got not 1 but 2 lap dances from the same stripper. When he came that night he told me he was out at a bar with friends. I found out from my brother that tehy were at the strippers. I was upset that he lyed to me and when I questioned him it ended in a huge fight. He said I was conrolling and trying to chaneg him. That I was rushing him into things and that he had changed his whole life for me and my son and it wasnt enough. He left saturday after our fight and same home drunk the next morning and we fought again. Yesterday I got up dressed in he sexist outfit with ever intention of having sx with him when he came home from work. I realized i was doing the same thign i did with my ex. Every time we fight lower myself to sex with him so he would "love" me. Why would I do this if I know in the end I am the one who will end in tears. Secondly why would he lie about going to strippers. It seems liek he is unhappy about our move. do you think he is.Please help
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drunk, lapdance, my ex, self esteem, stripper Reply to this Question
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female
reader, kgray +, writes (27 June 2012):
kgray is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to start off by saying he isnt a stranger or some random guy I met at a bar that I let move in ot be around my son. He is a friend of my brother. I would never put my son in any type of danger. He adores my son and would do what ever he could to make sure he is happy.As for the strippers, If he had of told me the truth about where he was I wouldnt have care. Its the fact tha he lied about it. and yes getting 2 lap dances from tthe same stripper does make me wonder.I know sleeping with him after a fight is a bad idea. I hve been trying hard to work on my own self worth but a part of me keeps telling myself to jus have sex with a guy and make them happy.I do believe he loves me and my son. I just have no idea why he would say the things he did during our fight
A
female
reader, 057  +, writes (27 June 2012):
He lied to you. Tell him strip clubs are your line & hes crossed it & if he insists on crossing it again its over. One warning.
Apart from that, hes probably taken advantage of you by moving in after 4 months.
Having sex with him for him to 'love you' is only going to make you feel more worthless. And hes probably taking advantage of that too. Hes not a God, hes not better than you or more worthy than you of love. You are supposed to be equal so maybe hes the one that should be trying to make you love him again after hes the one that made the mistake.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 June 2012):
 WHY would you waste even a MINUTE with this guys who has PROVEN that he is not a "nice" guy???? AND - incidentally - why would you expose your SON to this creep???
You say that "...he woudl move in with my son and I..." Well.... looka like THAT was a dumb decision. BUT... at least it's YOUR address.... so invite him to leave and never come back....
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2012): Very bad idea to move an unrelated male and total stranger (to your son) into your home and install him as your son's in-effect father after only four months.I suspect you may have fallen into the same trap you did with your ex: at the start new bf was "sweet, loving, caring" and "made me feel special," he lured you in with his charm, and now that he is ensconced in your home he is possibly beginning to slowly exert control over by employing tactics found in Chapter One of the Controlling Male 101 handbook. You made a very quick and questionable decision to move this guy in and give him unrestricted access to your son after such a short time. Best for all parties if you back off and he moves out, at least temporarily.You have enough on your plate being a single mother of a toddler son while recovering from a still-recent and raw abusive controlling relationship. The last thing you need is a new boyfriend, let alone one with whom you may soon find yourself trapped in yet another abusive controlling relationship.Not saying that will happen, but the red flags have already started to pop up around your "perfect" guy. For your son's sake, consider this newfound dark side very VERY seriously and respond accordingly. You need to break the cycle of dependence on men and learn to stand up for yourself.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 June 2012):
 Well he probably didn’t tell you because he was afraid of how you would react. Would having only ONE lap dance be different? Is it the fact that he had two from the same stripper?
I don’t know where YOU are but in my state a stripper must keep at least a G string on (as well as nipple tassels) and a man cannot touch her. In fact for lap dances around here they are asked to SIT on their HANDS to avoid any problems… so my question to you is… had you discussed with him previously what your stand on strip clubs was? IF not, well then he did it and he learned you don’t like it and he likes to go….
I’m glad you are seeing that you are using sex as a weapon/tool…. Aunty BimBim is correct… 4 months is not a long time to know each other before moving in… yeah it happens and yeah it works.. and I hope you two can fix this but there is a lot of communicating that needs to be done..
He may not be unhappy about your move.. he may just have gone to the strip club cause that’s what the other guys wanted to do and he went along for the ride. ASK HIM. If you are close enough to have sex and close enough to live together, then you are close enough to TALK about the issues that are causing the problems.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (26 June 2012):
 4 months dating and you have already moved him in. That is fast work, and your little boy is only 2 so it cant be that long since you finally ended things with your ex.
Maybe you have taken some old issues from your previous relationship into the new one, maybe you are expecting too much too soon.
It seems to me he HAS changed his life for you and your son and maybe it was you that rushed things along, you certainly don't seem to have put the brakes on at any time.
Give him time to get used to the fact he is now an integral part of a family.
I am really glad that you realised you were falling back into old habits when you got dressed into your sexiest outfit, recogising our bad habits is the first step towards change.
As I said, give him some time, sit down and talk calmly about what each of you are expecting from this relationship .... don't get upset with him if he doesn't know straight away, remember this is all new for him!
Good luck to the three of you, I hope you make it work!
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