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female
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anonymous
writes: If someone said to you after you had sex together for the first time that they weren’t sure if they were in love with you or not, what would u do given that is only 2 months into our relationship? Stay with them in the hope that they fall in love with you or split up with them? I would appreciate your advice as to what is going on here and how we can get back on track. We were close friends for 9 months before we became bf/gf. I am 31; he is 23 and we have been going out for nearly 3 months. I have always found relationships very difficult to cope with so before my current bf, I have only been with one man which lasted a year when I was 19 yrs old. I always bolt at the first sign of things getting heavy which I don’t want to do anymore.I have been helping him to try and get over his ex-fiancee who lied and cheated on him. He claims he is over her and is understandably quite nasty about her, she crops up in his conversations all the time and he said that he wanted to meet up with her to find out what was going on with her and her new man. He didn’t in the end (his choice), but the fact that he WANTED TO meet up with her suggests he is not over her. He claims all he wants is friendship with her, but I don’t know...At the beginning of November, my bf and I had sex together for the first time which was amazing. He was a very considerate lover; however half way through he withdrew without explaining why and said he needed to use the bathroom. When he came back, we lay in bed together and he was really chatty. Anyway, he asked me if i liked him or was in love with him and I said I thought the man should say how he feels first. He then said to me he wasn’t sure if he was in love with me or not and you can’t tell until at least 3 months if you’re in love or not. (Given how hurt he was by his ex-fiancee, I wonder if he didn’t want to divulge his feelings for me for fear of getting hurt or rejected). I was totally shocked at what he said and it broke my heart as I had told him in the past that I only make love when I am in love and he agreed with this. I can’t quite believe he had sex with me if he wasn’t sure if he was in love with me or not. He then proceeded to go on about how amazing his ex-girlfriend was. I could have handled the fact these things better if he hadn’t picked the most inappropriate time to tell me all this - straight after we had sex for the first time. I didn’t get emotional on him because I felt I needed time to digest what he said and didn’t want to say anything impulsively so I just said I appreciated his honesty. He cuddled me during the night but nowhere near as much as he had done previously. I left for work the following morning and then I heard nothing from him for a while. 4 days later, my Mum was talking to his Mum that I hadn’t heard from him. A few hours later he texted me. We met up and he asked me if I thought he was avoiding me and I said yes. He didn’t respond to that. I can’t help thinking that had it not been for his mum then he wouldn’t have bothered contacting me.We both seem to have freaked out since the sex and haven’t done it since. I love him to bits but my feelings have diminished slightly because I feel let down by him and my barriers have gone up yet again because I think he is going to hurt me. I think his barriers have gone up too. We have been seeing each other alot and I have been staying over his house again and he has been cuddling me alot during the night again and saying he misses me. He has been making plans for us next year so he seems to be thinking of us as long term. He has started to become more considerate in a lot of ways since we started going out, asking me where I want to go, my opinions, but there is another less attractive side (like all people have) that I don’t know how to deal with. His humour is such that you have to know how to handle it and a couple of times I have been upset although I haven’t let him see this. He has been talking about sex alot. I keep thinking he is only one thing but that doesn’t seem to the case. If anything I am the one feeling slightly frustrated. When I started to kiss him the other night, after HE mentioned it I might add, he didn’t respond and then said what time did I want to go home!! I don’t understand it!!! He seems to keeping me at arms length and pushing me away. He has mentioned a couple of times he hasn’t had sex since his ex-girlfriend and that his sex drive has vanished. If he says it again, I will have to say something - WE’VE had sex!!!He does ask me questions about myself but quite rarely unless it is about sex. He does pay me compliments calling me sexy but again quite rarely but he happily mentions the attractiveness of other girls. I actually think the lack of compliments is more to do with his lack of self-esteem. I have noticed he can compliment people behind their backs but not to their face. I don’t mind him talking about his ex, sex, other girls but I want that to be a very small part of our relationship and I want to feel like I am the most special girl in his life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2006): This sounds to me like you have met him in his rebound. He is still thinking of her, he wants to remain friends with her. You should feel like the most important person on his planet. I can identify with you on just how you feel. I have been there. One bf from my past was like that. He talked non stop about his ex, commented on girls when we were out, it really got on my tits. I must say that it got to me so much that after a few months i had to get rid. Sorry, but if he is like that now when the relationship is new then he won't change, it actually gets worse!!!
Do take care and remember, we all deserve better.
xx
A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (5 December 2006):
 Hi,
I do understand what u must be feelings. As u said he still have issues with his ex. You have been very patience and understanding i really do feel u love him. For me i think it is about time for you to turn the tables round on him. He should by now realise how much u have been there for him and show u care. I am afraid if u dont do something about this now and continue to stay understanding to his needs without him thinking about yours it is going to continue this way and progress isnt going to be made.
You arent happy here and u need to talk to him. Make him address your concerns, Allow him see that u are vulnerable and he should try to be there for you too. Learn to open up as well. Dont pressure him about the state of the relationship yet. I believe he should do that when he is ready and i dont see that now. just make him realise that there is much more needing u want from him that u arent getting. Write down u need to say and what u feel need changing and try to be matured how u go about telling him.It is not all about him make it about YOU TOO.
Goodluck
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