A
female
 ,
*ELLULAH
writes:Hi all and hope your well.I need some advice from the ladies really.I have kept my boyfriend for the past 18 months, while he was sorting out finances with his ex wife. Its all sorted now, they sold their house, and he brought her a new one so she has no mortgage. He also gave her 30 thousand pounds to go in the bank, so she has no worries. He is also paying her 100 pounds a week for their 17 year old son.My question is, how much should i ask him to put towards our home. The flat is mine but I am willing to sell and get a new home together, which he doesnt seem to want to do really. I can understand this, as its been preety crap for him with his ex. And our flat is lovely but quite small. Every penny I earn goes on paying for the roof over our heads, and I struggle each week to pay the bills.I really feel he should put some money into our home now, towards food and bills. I dont know how much to ask for, he earns a fairly good wage, a lot more than me. But I dont want to appear to be a money grabber like his ex was.What do you think?
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ex-wife, his ex, money Reply to this Question
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (2 July 2007):
TELLULAH is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for all your advice,
Have spoken about the money issue now and he
will be helping out in the future. He said I only had to ask him, but my responce was that i didnt think I should have to. You cant go and live somewhere for free, no matter how much the person loves you. Anyway, just to say you are all doing a grand job, and thanks again.
XXXXX
A
male
reader, sixth sense  +, writes (29 June 2007):
I think that it is wrong to take on that burden of a person that is not contributing to building a real relationship. It seems like he is doing right for his son to have a good life however you should not have to suffer because of it. You must confront him about this situation sternly.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (29 June 2007):
 You have a very valid point. Although he doesnt want to get a house with you, I would be in the same situation, just from the point that I wouldnt want the hassle if things didnt work out. Besides, your flat is yours and yours alone, and you are beholden to no-one!
He is mearly a "lodger" in your flat, and as such should pay something towards the bills.
Obviously with everything that he has been through you dont want him to think that you are the same as his ex wife, but he also needs to know that you need a little help because two mouths are more expensive than one.
You should do a little financial statement, looking at what your monthly expenses are on average and what he puts in at present if anything.
Whatever the figure is, I would divide by three, even though there is only two of you. The reason for this is, that at the end of it, the flat will be yours no matter what, and you dont want to be seen as making a profit from him staying there, you just want what your out of pocket expenses are with him living there.
I did this for my sister when she was in the same situation and her (now husband) was happy with the arrangement since he didnt feel as if she was profiting from her living with him.
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A
female
reader, love-him +, writes (29 June 2007):
 Erm first off, your struggling for money and your boyfriend is throwing all that money at his ex, so she doesnt worry??!?? babe that isnt right, explain ur struggling for money, and he needs to put it or it isnt working because u cant pay for the both of you.. mail me if u wanna talk x x x x
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (29 June 2007):
 I wonder if he was being finacially generous to his ex wife as such or if that were meant for his son. After all, it's not in his interests to be homeless or without enough money to go to uni/move out on his own or whatever he wants to do. Most parents tend to save a little money for this eventuality and maybe that's the money he gave his wife.
However, all of that said he does owe you a little financial support. I'd suggest telling him you're struggling with the bills alonea nd asking him if he could make a contribution since you can't afford to pay for both their living costs. Perhaps he has used all his savings on his ex but he's still earning and can afford to contribute something. How much to ask him for depends on how much he earns and how much your mortgage/food costs/bills are but I would suggest as close to half as is fair, depending on whether you earn more than him and taking his contributions to his son into account, but whatever all these numbers are he should be contributing something to living expenses. It's not money grabbing to ask him but it is silly to carry on paying for everything yourself.
CD
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