A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,We are 48 years old. Both divorced. We lived 80 miles apart - traveled each week to spend together. We dated for 18 months,He got a job here, so we got married. He left his home of 20 years and moved to my town. Within days, he started yelling at me over the slightest thing. I misplaced the laundry room keys and he actually threatened to call the cops if I didn't find them immediately! He often tells me how I feel and what I am thinking. He hasn't been right yet! I have post traumatic stress from my previous marriage of 17 years (been divorced for 5 years) When he starts yelling at me, I clam up. I start to shake and I want to run away - fast! I think he has an anxiety issue and I have been patient, but my patience is about gone. Before we got married, he always thanked me for cooking dinner, cleaning his home, etc. He would come home from work and ask me how I was, what I had done, etc. Since he moved here - he never asks anything about me. He didn't help me very much when I moved from my old, small apartment into our larger apartment either - he just played his online computer game for 4-6 hours a night as I packed, moved and cleaned. I have told him that I felt so unappreciated. He responded by yelling at me. I have told him his yelling triggers the PTS and it hurts me. He responds to everything I say by claiming the same feeling! I am sick of having a homelife that is a battleground. The really sad part? We were married May 5 2009! We have lived in the new apartment only 3 weeks! Do I need to run for an annulment? He suggested us getting a third party involved - so that I could hear from someone besides him that I am wrong (?)
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question Wow, one helluva roller coaster ride the past 5 months have been - the highpoint of the marriage having been the moment we stood before the Judge and took vows! It was all downhill from there!And when I thought it couldn't get any lower.... he did!
Reader's Digest version:
He waited until I had paid all the bills (including his) with my paycheck, then he took his paycheck (tabbed to go to pay the rent, and scampered off to Columbus (where his uninhabitable, rat infested home is. He did not pay rent and has no intention to do so. I have been left standing there with little money and soon, no home.
I had warned him a month ago that the next time he wakes me in the middle of the night screaming at me cause I didn't initiate sex, I would move into the spare bedroom.And I did. And I installed a deadbolt lock so he cant pick the lock. I insert ear plugs and hum so that I do not hear his vile tirades.
For the second time in 2 months, he just doesn't go to work - and is shocked when they fire him!
I receive nonstop text messages (I refuse to talk on phone with him cause he yells and screams)accusing me of ruining the relationship because of my serious control issues!
I received a call Monday from his minister - I returned his call on Tuesday. It was a great chance to let the only man my husband trusts know what is really happening... he offered support and assured me he would be there for my husband - cause he understands why I will no longer be available to him! I have had my fill - I found a storage shed to move into. It is so blissfully quiet!
I will be fine - better than fine - I do not know what will become of my husband, but I know that I cannot be with him - either in person or mentally, or spiritually. I will always keep in my prayers, and I will maybe always love him, but sometimes it just isn't good to be with someone you love!
Thank God I am a strong woman - and determined!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo everyone who took time to reply to my posted question: THANK YOU!!! I was so confused, shocked, incredibly hurt, terrified etc. the night I wrote that question! I am not one to share much about myself to others, let alone total strangers.... (maybe that is why I did reach out and share)UPDATE:The night I wrote the question, I was supervising my daughter's 18th BD Party - a co-ed all nighter. Lights on, me present.... no sleep kinda deal. So we were not together that night.After reading the responses posted, I admitted to myself that I married a man who is incredibly abusive and mean-spirited. I felt heart broken. I sent him several texts. His curiosity forces him to read texts and he can't argue with a text. "U have allowed anxiety to rule ur behavior. It has totally ruined our relationship. Tonite was the last straw. You do not have the right to yell at me, ridicule me, to tell me what I think and/or feel. You do not have the right to make our home a battlefield. You behavior has triggered the PTS that u r very much aware that I suffer from, which in turn has caused the autoimmune disorder to rear its ugly head. You do not have the right to make me ill. You do not have the right to treat me as the enemy. and BTW - u can't afford to alienate urself from anyone else. This is ur wake up call - I will not tolerate this anymore. U need to decide if you r going to b the loving, kind and compassionate man I married or r u going to continue to allow anxiety to destroy you? That man that I have seen since we moved together is hard-hearted, mean, puts everyone second to himself and can't see beyond his own nose. I miss the man I married."He came home from work, hugged me, muffled something like 'I'm sorry, I love you' and treated me like a human being. The man I married emerged again. I am a realistic person and I know what he is truly like. I do not plan to pack and move tomorrow, but I am smart enough to keep my options open. I will stand up to him when he becomes mean and abusive. I will do so calmly and with my emotions in control. And yes, I am still heart broken. again, thank you everyone!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): think maybe has gone off the whole idea...get an annulment
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): Hunny, RUN FOR THE ANNULMENT. Things are most likely Not going to get better!!! If anything, they may become seriously worse!!! Escape now!!!! And if you do decide to involve a third party, still stay set on having the marriage annulled. You deserve something better!!!!!Be strong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhat great answers! This man was such a totally opposite man when he lived in his own home, in the town he grew up in for 30+ years and working at a job he hated. My patience has been fueled by the hope that once he better acclimates to his new surroundings, he will relax and come to his senses. Yes, I have had many years of therapy. He seems to be threatened by that. He makes comments that I have 'serious issues that need to be addressed' I try hard not to react to his hateful/hurtful comments and I put ear plugs in so I don't have to listen anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): That he's willing to have a third party involved is positive -- provided that *you* choose the third party. Find a professional counsellor who will listen to both sides without bias.
From your description it sounds like you've made a mistake. He sounds insensitive (or oblivious) to the trauma you went through before you met him. Unless the counsellor comes up with something quite out of the blue, I do think that "running for an annulment" sounds like the smart thing to do.
Good luck.
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