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female
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anonymous
writes: First off I will tell you that there is an age gap between me and my man, I am 34 and he is 20. We met last August and to be honest when we first met I didn’t know his age and he certainly didn’t look 20! He thought I was a lot younger too! But by the second date we both knew each other’s ages and he didn’t seem to care at all about the age difference and neither did I as I honestly thought at the time it was only going to be a bit of fun. But the more we saw each other, the more attached we grew, he acted a lot older than his age and when we are together it is easy to forget that he is only 20 as we both have so much in common. Anyway the inevitable happened and we fell in love! I did mention that maybe in a couple of years I might want to think about marriage and kids and that’s when I thought he would run for it but he didn’t, he just said I might want the same too!! We don’t get to see each other a great deal, at most it has been once a week, the reason for this is that Monday to Friday he is at university and comes to London at the weekend to work Friday and Saturday night as a door man (that’s how we met) so our day together is mainly on a Sunday unless we had plans we couldn’t get out of. I must mention since he told his mother he was seeing a 34 year old she has been putting her two pennies worth in, he never used to listen and his friends teased him too but were never nasty about it but it all went over his head. What kept us going was all the wonderful texts he would send me in between seeing each other, he would tell me how beautiful I am and how he loves me so much and that he is so lucky to have me as a girlfriend and he always told me how much he misses me, they were such heart warming texts and he made me feel so special, when we are together he is always holding me and telling me he loves me, I cant harp on enough about how he felt about me, he was totally besotted and that I am his first love. Here comes the BUT…. last Tuesday we met up and I did detect something was up at first as usually its all kisses and miss you’s but he seemed a little distant, but as the evening wore on he was fine he came back to my place and when we parted the next day it was all OK. But that’s when the cold texts started to come, not nasty by any means just friendly and no where near like the ones he would normally send me, so alarm bells started ringing straight away. Two days later he texts me to say he cant see me on Sunday as planned as he has a work meeting, that I know was true, but he didn’t seem too bothered like he would normally, so I gave it until Saturday night after his work shift when he would normally be coming to me as he always texts me after work and if there was any a time he would miss me most it would be when he would normally be coming round to me but I just got a cold friendly text, no mention of wishing I was coming to you or miss u’s like before, so that’s when I asked if everything is ok between us and if something is up he should tell me, I got a reply saying he is feeling sad as for the first time he has been thinking about the age gap between us, he did go on to say he is just being daft and that he loves me lots, so I suggested we talk this Sunday and he agreed but said he didn’t want to upset me and he loves me, so my mind was put at rest for a short while. But since Saturday the texts have gone back to being just friendly again, last night he told me he had a tournament and wont be able to see me for a few weeks, I just cried my eyes out and sent a text back saying he doesn’t seem interested in this relationship anymore and he said it has been playing on his mind a lot too and that he might be able to come on Sunday now as he wont make the last train on sat to get to the tournament, I cant help thinking that if I hadn’t said anything then he would not have made the effort to come round and nothing would have been resolved for weeks as we didn’t want to do this by text (even though most of our relationship has been communicating by text!!!) I would be none the wiser on why his feelings have changed so abruptly. How is that someone can go from being so in love and not caring about the age gap to just hardly no interest at all! I am hurting so much and cant stop crying, I wish I could change my feelings just like that!!Please help
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Dr Psych, you are so right, I think he probably has gone off the relationship as the age gap never bothered him before even with his mates teasing him all the time and his mum not being happy about it, why all of a sudden just stop caring, it didnt make sense, but reading all the relply's it has become a little clearer and I do feel he is not mature enough to handle a serious relationship. from the very start he said he doesnt like talking on the phone,I accepted that, but the fact that he cant even call me while all this is going on says that he cant handle it. Well thanks again and I wish you and your husband all the best.
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reader, DrPsych  +, writes (7 June 2006):
 Age gap relationships can work as I am 34, and my husband is just 24! However I get a lot of hostility about it from family (...well they just don't speak to me at the moment) mainly about the age difference. It is my view that age is only a problem if you make it a problem. Maybe this man is just too young (mentally) to deal with commitment etc. You shouldn't put up with half-promises, mights and maybes. Sure he is busy, but if he loves you then he will make time. I also think that text messages are not the best way to conduct a relationship - you need to talk on the phone in between meeting to sustain a relationship. He may have just cooled off the relationship in general and is just using the age as an excuse. Frankly at 34, you are still a young woman so why would that matter? I understand that he maybe pressured by parents or friends but my husband had a few jokes about marrying his mother from his mates but he just doesn't care. Even though you are hurting right now, you also have to be strong and stand up for what you want and need. You also have to accept that if he leaves the relationship over the 'age thing' or for another excuse then you have to accept that some kind of stress would have come along at some stage in your relationship in the future and caused a problem, so it is better than you find out he is shallow now. Please don't feel bad or like it is your age or anything else, if this man is acting evasive then it is his problem!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you eyeswideopen, I think you are right and I like they say if you love someone then set them free. Best Wishes
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Irish49 you too made so much sense, I have always told him that I dont want to tie him down and during the week he gets to spend time with his mates and he goes out a lot of the time so its not that I am suffocating him. I think it would be best if I ended it with him for my own sanity as if we were to resolve things I would always be worrying about the next time he has doubts. Its going to hurt me a lot and I cant stop crying lately but it will get better in time I am sure. Thanks again, best wishes
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2006): If you both knew of something in your own hearts that was preventing this, or if there is an another issue you hadn't resolved, that's one thing. But in this case, the age gap might have very well been the problem, dear. Hun. I strongly believe that in order for an 'age gap' relationship to work...both parties should be old enough to have experienced life, sown some wild oats and both need to be 'mature'adults. Although an adult, your bf is only 20 and he may not have been committed and mature enough to handle the intensity of an adult relationship with you. He has a lot of living to do, a lot of experiences to look forward to. He simply was not at the same place as you in this relationship. Because, I do think that love that is the center of everything, not the number of years. It is a 'real' love which creates the cohesion and balance between two people. If his friends or family were against this relationship, it shouldn't have mattered to him. What should've mattered, was that you both loved each other and belonged together. If he truely believed that, he'd do anything to be by your side, right now. He's not doing that. I am sorry. If he's not forthcoming in telling you the truthful reasons, then you know he's genuinely not ready. A true love takes two committed, mature people to make it work. Face this loss, head on and try hard to recover. Wounds take time to heal. But all wounds, to our body or to our spirit, follow a normal pattern of healing. Now is the time to grieve and heal..give yourself time and a ton of self-love. Good luck, my dear.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advise, what you said made a lot of sense, I just wish I had never fell so hard for him, he was the first guy since I split up from my fiance that made me feel so special and loved. Hopefully he wont be a coward and get out of having "the talk" on sunday then I will be able to get to the bottom of why he is being like this and I will ask if he is seeing someone else too. Thanks again and i wish you and your partner all the very best.
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reader, camille +, writes (7 June 2006):
 I'm 36, my boyfriend 26, we've been together over 4 years, so I can't say to you that it is or isn't your age gap that caused this change. I think it may be linked with what I suspect is the real reason, but it's not necessarily the main cause. All I will say, age gap & distance are definitely odds stacked against you but there's no reson for it not to work unless there's a 3rd party? A someone whispering in his ear? A friend who's playing the field? Seeing peopel his age do things he feels you as a couple couldn't do? He may not be as mature as you first thought and not keen to be so grown up just yet. 20 is still quite a young age but you've been together 10 months so I'd suggest that you trust your gut, you know there's a change, you don't excatly know why, but you need to confront him. I don't know him and don't want to insult either of you here, but have you thought there may have been an indiscretion? If you don't get answers, maybe if you feel it possible of him, ask if he's been with anyone else whilst at Uni recently. I hope he hasn't and I'm sorry for thinking out loud, but that would be my first reaction. (Oh how cynical I am).
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reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (7 June 2006):
 After your talk on Sunday you'll know more about what's going on in his mind. He's very young and just may want to sow a few wild oats before he settles down. You may have to give him more freedom, and even though you guys hardly see each other to begin with, he may just need some time on his own. I'm assuming that you had your twentys to date around, go to clubs, etc...and now you are more or less ready to settle down. Have a good long talk about it with him. Prepare youself, you may be facing weeks on end without his company. The best of luck to you.
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