A
female
age
26-29,
*yDaysOnceRevolvedAroundYou
writes:I want an honest opinion, please don't judge me. I met a guy on a night out a month ago in a different city. We talked every single day via messaging/phone calls ect. a significant amount.We agreed on a date for him to come and see me at my place, but he spontaneously said he couldn't wait to see me again.. So he said he would come tomorrow, drove miles to collect me from my family home to drive miles to take me to the house I stay at for university. We talked the whole way, got to my place and talked for hours, we were both really interested as far as I know. We went out for drinks, came home and we ended up having sex. After we had sex which I am sure we both enjoyed, we made pizza and chips and talked for a while again. Then went to bed, he woke up and he barely said a word to me, I asked him if he regretted the night before and he said no he didn't, he said he just isn't a morning person and he was hungover. He was awake about 45 minutes before he said he had loads of work to do and showed me some work emails, then packed his stuff and left. He text me when he got back, but he reduced the amount of kisses he usually sends, didn't ask any question for me to really reply to and has already dropped a hint that he is "so busy with work this week" AKA he probably won't come on Friday when we planned to. Is he fobbing me off? What is going on in his head? I don't understand.
View related questions:
text, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (28 May 2014):
 you should take him at his word and back off and let him come to you... the worst thing that can happen is he never calls again...
My husband is NOT a morning person. I saw him this morning while we left for work.. he just called me 4.5 hours later FINALLY ready to talk to me. Mornings he just grunts. I'm a morning person and I had to learn that it does not mean he does not care just that he's not ready to interface with the world for a few hours. And I include the world.
sending kisses via text is not the way to judge anything.
the man said he was busy with work, perhaps he is BUSY...
perhaps you did get used... only time will tell but one sure fire way to make sure he never comes around again is to text him and call him and ask to see him.
it may take a few weeks but let him come to you
and don't have sex the next time you see him...that will help you determine if he's just in it for the sex.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 May 2014):
 I agree with Cerberus.
Date a guy longer before sex. NOT because a girl can't have sex, but a girl who WANTS a relationship might HAVE to wait til she KNOWS he is the guy SHE wants to date and the GUY knows he wants to date her too, not just SCREW her.
Keep your dates to public places (no where near a bedroom or other places it is easy to have sex at).
YOU did nothing wrong here. You just presumed he pushed so hard to see you because he wanted to get to know you, not just have sec with you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2014): While I agree you were far too easy a lay for him, I say wait and see.
OP texts and stuff is not putting work into wooing a person.
I have a feeling he's gotten what he wanted and now he's done. I mean the whole set up was for sex, the talking was just to get you there.
He drove you to a place where he could bone you. You obviously weren't all that ready to sleep with him so he suggested you go have some drinks to loosen you up and now all of a sudden he's busy after he's boned you.
OP that wasn't even date, that was just a shag.
Next time have a date somewhere public and don't go be alone with him. Texting and messages are not getting to know someone, you can do that while taking a shit or watching the football. If you want to know if someone is interested in more than just sex have a few face to face dates somewhere where intimacy is not going to happen and keep that intimacy out of the picture for a while.
Got Issues it's not about the woman being promiscuous, it;s about being smart and it applies to men too. If you want to be more to someone than just an easy lay you need to make sure they're interested in you as more than that before you have sex with them. Women are just as capable of using men too, and men are just as capable of being hurt by being used. It's simply dating to achieve your goals. If you don't mind casual sex, then go for it, but if you want something more hold off to see if "more" is what they want too.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (26 May 2014):
Everyone is always so quick to say "oh he obviously used you for sex and you should learn your lesson because you got what you deserved!"
Well, he said he had a ton of work to do, so let's assume he's busy until you have more reason to suspect otherwise.
Is it possible he only wanted sex? Of course. But it's also completely possible he likes you and he is busy. Because let's face it, even if he did use you for sex he still will want to do it again. It's rare that guys use women once then disappear forever unless they are with someone else.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 May 2014):
 There may be a reasonable explanation for the sudden unavailability, but it's quite possible that he got what he wanted from you.
You need to re-evaluate your dating strategy because you're moving way too fast and assuming too many risks.
Before this date you'd only met the man once and you'd only been communicating with him for a month. No matter how intimate those conversations may have been you still hardly know him. Entertaining him in your home, especially after a night of drinking, made sex a very likely outcome. It was both tacky and dangerous.
If you want to be certain you're not being used for some man's entertainment or stress release, then you have to take sex off the table and pace yourself. Give each of you the time and opportunity to get to know one another.
The old fashioned way has been tried, tested and true. Your grandmother never had to worry about being used for sex, because any man she dated didn't expect her to put out within hours of picking her up. For that matter he didn't even expect to make it past her front door when he picked her up for a date.
...............................
A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (25 May 2014):
 A lot of people will tell you that as a woman you shouldn't have sex with a guy early on because you'll be seen as easy or promiscuous. It's total bullshit, sexist and unfair, but we live in a sexist world and unfortunately a lot of men do operate that way. While personally I think it says more about a man that he will sleep with a girl and then dump her, or dismiss dating someone because she agreed to have sex with him on the second date than it does about the woman, there is a lot to be said for waiting a while. If someone is a jerk, they are going to show it eventually, and if he gets tired of waiting for you to put out and takes off before you've had sex, you'll know what kind of person he is.
There are lots of guys who will say and do anything to have sex with a girl. Apart from a couple of tiny details, this exact same thing happened to me almost 10 years ago and I still remember how awful it made me feel. It hurts like hell and you don't get any closure from the other person. It happens all the time to all sorts of women. It doesn't say anything about you as a person, it's not your fault, but you're the one who has to suffer. Make sure you don't suffer more than you need to.
He may call you again and ask to meet up but it will be because he thinks you've got nothing better to do than sit around waiting to have sex with him again. Make a decision never again to have anything to do with him. Delete and block him wherever you can - phone number, social media, email. Be kind to yourself, distract yourself with other stuff and you will move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): Yes he may be a player as Mark suggested but here's another possible scenario.... he's on the rebound and you're the first girl that he's become intimate with since the break-up. He may not have mentioned this.
When he first met you on the night out he was having a good time, he was attracted to you and arranging to see you again seemed like a really good idea. He then gets all excited about a possible new relationship - texting, flirting, arranging another date etc.
Even the next date goes well... BUT when he half-wakes in the light of morning with a warm body next to him he realises it's not the girl he really wants lying next to him. It's not his ex and he suddenly realises he's not ready to date
Player or rebound guy.... this is a really horrible situation to be in (for you) and I think you need to hold your head up high and realise that your relationship was a non-starter. Put it down to experience and move on.
Feel better soon x
...............................
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (25 May 2014):
 Clearly he used you for sex. When he wanted sex he was Mr Charmer. showering you with compliments and doing anything for you. Then, sex over, he grunts an excuse about being busy and disappears into the night.
You have been played. Put it down to experience and don't let yourself be quite so ready to have sex in future. Let a man prove himself first. if a man tries too hard its a big red flag. He wants something and is eager to get it.
Mark
...............................
|
