A
female
age
51-59,
*illy70
writes:I have been married for 25 years i have an 18 year old son. When i first got married things were great then about a year into our marriage signs of my husbands bad temper started to show. I didnt worry too much at first.Then he started smashing house up and then crying afterwards i got him some help with anger management. Time went on his temper got worse but he always said he would never hit me and i thought that was okay then.But he did and he tried to strangle me i got police and took him to court he got 12 months suspended and got to go on a domestic violence course.I am heart broken i still love him he could be nice aswell hence why i stayed.I cry every day i know he is in a hostel he has no family. Life seems so lonely without him. My son is with me still but does his own thing a lot.I feel like i want him back maybe this has shown him and he will change.
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (30 July 2014):
 Of course he could be nice. That's the cycle of abuse. If you haven't read about it, I encourage you to do so.
Many abusers can be absolutely charming. They woo you and make you feel incredible. They can seem like the nicest and most genuine people in the world. Then it slowly starts to unravel. Next thing you know, there is a terrible blow up and something awful happens, like the destruction of the house, or worse yet - you. You feel terrible and hurt and damaged afterwards. He calms down and realizes what he's done. He apologizes profusely,insisting it will never happen again and how sorry he is. He then becomes that amazing, sweet, charming man all over again. The honeymoon phase starts all over again and he courts you until all of a sudden, you start to feel it unraveling again. Before you even know it, he's exploded again. And you're right back wondering what the hell just happened.
Your husband has a problem. A very bad problem. It's never okay - and I mean EVER okay, to physically abuse someone. He clearly is unable to control his impulses. And he needs much therapy to learn how to deal with it. Not just a little therapy here and there but some intensive therapy for an extended period of time. And then maybe you can give it a test run if you still think you may want to get back together. But don't rush in, as he's proven he's not safe. Just take baby steps.
I know you're hurting. I wish you the best of luck. Take care.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (30 July 2014):
 You miss him because you've been married for 25 years and have an 18 year old son. And you love him.
He is what your used to, you know him better than anyone.
Ask yourself if you want to live the next 25years coping with him. Walking on glass, waiting for the next argument or him smashing up your home.
If he truly wanted to change he would have sought help years ago and be on medication and anger management courses.
It got to the point where you were in danger and had to call the Police - next time it could be worse.
Do not feel sorry for him, he is the one who has to help himself, you enjoy the peace and start to build a life without him.
He hasn't changed in 25 years, so why would he now?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 July 2014):
 Abusers are not abusive all of the time. They have their good sides and you are reminiscing on good times. You are used to his presence and you have forgotten what it is like to be by yourself. You had been married so long. Enjoy your peaceful time. You don't hate him and you don't want to divorce him because you have compassion towards him and you care about him. The shows by Dr. Phil and Maury prove that people can change with the right kind of help. He not only has to manage anger but get to the bottom of it. Maybe he has to regress to his childhood and deal with the loss of love or whatever. He has no family to talk so it is impossible to have any kind of open communication. Don't think about getting back together yet. It's okay to feel the loneliness. You have to recover from the stress and recoup. In the future if you still want to give him a chance you have to go real slow. Tell him it's on a trial period. Also learn skills how to deal with anger and how to stop an argument from happening. Make sure you get support as well.
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