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female
,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years is 4 years younger than I am. We were supposed to get married two months ago, but ended up calling it off for a number of reasons--his parents were getting divorced (strangely enough they got right back together once we announced the cancellation) and he still wasn't working (fate's a tease--he got a job about a week before the date we had set). We moved out of his family's place, got our own apartment, and he got a job. Before, when he wasn't working, he would sleep all day, no matter how much I asked (and yelled at) him to help me. Now that he's working, he still doesn't do anything, only he thinks he's got an excuse now. I work full-time, make 6 times more than he does, and do all the household work. We're living in another country (his native country) and he's never been to America, never even had much interest. The thing is, I miss home and I want to return. I want to get a job and move on with my life. I just don't see him fitting into that picture. However, I love him. He's wonderful and sweet, adorable, gorgeous...a dream, it's just that cleaning/up-keep thing that's been bugging me, and the fact that when I bring it up he gets offended and offensive. So I've asked him to leave and he's left. It was a messy breakup and I'm pretty upset about it. Did I do the right thing? Was there another way to go about it? I feel like I've broken my own heart and his as well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is all so helpful!! Thank you thank you THANK YOU!!
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female
reader, rosiepops +, writes (18 November 2006):
I agree with the first answer. He was expecting to much from you and not doing enough for himself. Also marriage is a lifelong commitment and you shouldn't go through with it unless you're completely sure and I don't think you were. I don't think you going through with it would have helped the situation because it would have just meant that his behaviour was acceptable and you were happy with it and there was no reason for him to change, it's likely that it would have got worse.
Also he was holding you back and you shouldn't forget about yourself you only live once and you should go for things that you want to do.
You're unsure whether you made the right decision and very upset about it but maybe this will push him to make some changes in his behaviour and you never know what might happen in a few years? But I think for now you made the right choice rather than commiting yourself to something you would have been unhappy with and this gives you the chance to do things you wanted to do.
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (18 November 2006):
 I personally think you made the right decision. Marriage is HUGE commitment and if you feel resentful now, how is it going to be a few years down the line? I know you say he was gorgeous, fab and all that but he was lazy and inconsiderate too. I earn more than my husband and he lives in my native country, not his. We share chores but not on a 50/50 basis...it is a natural sense of wanting to contribute to our marital relationship by helping each other as required. I guess I do more household chores, even when he was unemployed a while back, but I didn't resent it because I didn't think of him as being a lazy slouch. I rather think you have more resentment about the relationship that JUST the domestic duties...there is probably something bigger going on here. Only you can decide if you did the right thing for you at the end of the day, but I would say you already know the answer to your own question!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2006): Hmmm. This is solely your personal preference based on your tolerance and acceptance.
The way I see it his one weakness was he expected you to do all the household cleaning.
If you derive value by how much money a person brings into the relationship then yes, you made the right decision.
What was your "ideal" mate supposed to have in attributes and what was he expected role wise in your relationship and marriage? Did he meet most of these? Which ones are ideal and realistic and which ones are just hopeful thinking?
You still sound confused Love.
What do you feel was the right thing to do?
Did you react instead of listen? Were you expecting so much so soon?
Most things come with time Sweetie. Maybe he would have learnt with time and with gentle persuasion and not anger and yelling.
Your heart will tell you with time after you calm down and stop hurting.
Best of Wishes.
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