A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I started seeing each other a year ago. He was in an open relationship at the time but that ended last May and we have been exclusive since so officially we've been together about 8 months.My problem is my friends are still so skeptical about the relationship. Every time I mention we have something planned like a date night or a day out its like they expect him to stand me up or bail out on me. Its really frustrating that they still think of him like that. We are at that stage now where we are starting to talk about moving in together and my friends' attitude is really disheartening. I'm sure they think they are looking out for me but I feel like its time for them to just support my decisions. If things go bad they are free to say 'We told you so' but until then I wish they could just let me get on with my relationship and not try to make me doubt my boyfriend. How should I talk to them about this? Or are they right to be concerned? Their view is that a guy who has been in an open relationship even once could never be faithful Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 January 2013):
 The reason your friends concerns bother you is because in the back of your mind you worry about these things too. If you truly believed that the things they are saying were not possible you would have the inner strength to tell them so. But they speak words that you have thought so it bugs you.
The question is broached with “THEIR VIEW is that a guy who has been in an open relationship even once could never be faithful”…. I’m wondering if this is YOUR concern as well.
The answer is of course he can be faithful. An open relationship is not cheating. An open relationship is a committed couple not bowing to the social mores that encourage a “ one man one woman” policy in life. Our biological drives tell us “go forth sleep with all populate the earth with varied types of DNA” but society finds that uncomfortable so they created marriage and such. Which is fine.
My last marriage was an open marriage. We were swingers. It ended for various reasons related to the choice to be open. I am currently in a marriage where we do NOT share. I do not wish to share my partner this time and he does not wish to share me…. so we choose to be monogamous.
I believe that once you are totally secure with the idea that he is choosing to be monogamous with you, that you will no longer care what your friends say or think.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 January 2013):
 But you friends ARE letting you you go on with your relationship, and can't " make " you do anything with your bf that you are not willing to do. They can't "make" you doubt anybody, unless the seed of doubt is already in you.
If their affirmations would sound totally preposterous and ridicolous to you, you would not be writing to Dear Cupid , you would shrug it off :" My friends mean weel,but they are so paranoid and overprotective, what preposterous and ridicolous things they come up with ! ".
I think their comments are just the catalyst for some doubt or insecurity that has already passed through your mind and that you have been good at suppressing so far.
Make sure you make clarity within yourself before you go live with him.
As for how to make them back off, simple : you tell them nicely what you told us : " Friends, I appreciate your concern and I understand it comes from the best intention, but I am sort of tired of having to defend and justify my choices every second. I am an adult like you, my life is mine, I feel that all will be well, and if I should make a mistake... I'll deal with it and pay the price . From now on, therefore, my bf's past , his committment and intentions etc., are not up for discussion anymore, and if you really are the good friends that I think you are, you will respect my position on this issue ".
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2013): no, friends aren't free to say "i told you so" just because you didn't take their advice and it wound up they were right. friends don't do that. real friends tell you their opinion, give you the freedom to make your decisions, then let you know they respect yours no matter if they agree with it or not, and even if it backfires in your face, they are always there for you. that's what friends do. you should re-evaluate your friends.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (25 January 2013):
 Hi
I am surprised your friends still doubt him when you two have been together and exclusive for 8 months.
If he has never let you down in that time, you trust him and are happy and in love, then go for it.Your friends may want to look out for you but they need to let you live your own life,your an adult and make your own choices.
Its hard when friends don't like or trust your man,it's up to them to learn to accept the situation, especially as you and he are planning to go long term and live together.
Just explain this to them, you can't do more than that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2013): " I wish they could just let me get on with my relationship"
Unless they are dragging you away from him or actively trying to dissuade you, you ARE free to get on with your relationship. You just have to trust yourself (and your partner) more than you do your friends.
It might be that they do care for you and don't want to see you hurt. It could be that they envy your nerve for giving this guy a chance. It could be that they just have a sadistic and voyeuristic urge to see a car wreck in slow-mo. But you seem to be more concerned about their approval than your own feelings. Do you trust him? Do you think it will be different with you?
"Their view is that a guy who has been in an open relationship even once could never be faithful" I don't believe this is true and I find it a bit judgemental, but then again I'm not your friend.
If you don't think you have anything to worry about with this guy, then why are you giving their opinion so much weight?
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