A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid, I wrote you a month ago. My boyfriend said he loved me but is not in love with me. I stayed with him for a month after that. He said his feelings might change.I don't know what happened, he was so nice and sweet and then one day he says he's not in love with me. I wrote him a letter last night and left, basically saying I need someone to love me back because right now it was all one sided. I don't know why I still love him but I do. Did I do the right thing? If he calls what should I do? He says there is no one else. He has been alone for years. I was his first serious girlfriend in a long time. Please, this is tearing me up inside. Thank you for your help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): I think you did the right thing. All you can be is you, and He's the one with intimacy issues. It probably has alot to do with his childhood and his parents marriage. Does he even KNOW what love is between a man and a woman? People like this need space, BUT if you can be a little more patient and see if he Finally 'gets it' and realizes he really does love you, then it's worth the wait. If you end it for good, you may never know.But don't let your life be at a stand still, just keep living and doing things you love, be around people you love, so you don't feel sorry for yourself.Hoping the best for you.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 February 2009):
 That is a struggle you're going through, it must be very tough on you. If he calls, what should you do? If I were in your shoes, I would want to find out what had changed in his head to make him tell you that he was not 'in love' with you; this is assuming that he thought he had been in love with you before that.
I think part of what you need to do here is to establish what he thinks being 'in love' means and what merely 'loving' someone means. They might not be that far apart, or they could be the difference between a sexual connection added to a romantic interest vs. merely feeling strong platonic friendship for a dear friend.
Frankly, if he's unwilling to discuss this, then he does have deeper issues that need dealing with. And unless you have some experience with this kind of thing, you might not really want to be his therapist right now.
Look, nearly all couples when they start out, go into the blissful, heart-pounding, romantic elation that they have discovered 'the one'. It's a kind of neurochemical high that bonds people together. This kind of romantic passion, while it can last for some time, generally fades at some point. That's when the real love, and the real work of love begins. I think one makes a choice to love, after the initial woo-hoo! feeling has worn off. That's when you find out if you are truly compatible as two individuals in a relationship. I think lots of people think that the woo-hoo! part should last forever, and if it doesn't, that there's something wrong with the relationship. There isn't, it's just going through its natural evolution.
If you burden the other half of the couple with the responsibility of making you happy, of being your one and only source of companionship, then you are making unrealistic demands on the other partner.
So what should you do? I would look at what I had brought to the relationship, what my expections were and are for what he's supposed to bring to the partnership, and take a very clear-eyed, close look at what actually has been happening. If he was willing to, I probably would try to discuss both sides of the story. The key to this is that you cannot get angry with him if he shares some uncomfortable revelations with you, or if he expresses feelings that make you unhappy or upset. If you can stay calm and really truly LISTEN to what he's saying, you'll have a clearer picture of what happened between you two that derailed the relationship. At the very best, you two will come to understand each other better and get back together, at the very worst, you'll have an understanding of things about yourself that you might want to work on, and things to look for (and look out for) in your next relationship. Again, I have to emphasize compassionate listening, with no judgements as to the validity of the feelings. In other words, you're going to have to hang your ego in the closet and not take things too personally. I know that sounds crazy, your heart is wrapped up in him, but trust me, this isn't the worst thing that could happen between you two, in fact, it might be the start of a true dialogue.
I'm sorry I missed your other post, it would help to have the link to that so we can get some background.
Good luck, and keep us posted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): Hi Anonymous,Referring to your last sentence, you are his first serious girlfriend and you are between 41 and 50. Here we might find the reason of his behavior.Could you explain a bit more? *Is he so much younger then you? Did he never had a gf before for more than a few days?*You use the term 'first serious gf' after being 1 month. *Did he had so many one or five nightstands?*Did he loose his wife or gf, long time ago, did he divorce against his will?*was his work (long periods from home) the reason for have no relation. If you could be more specific, it will be easier trying to give you are really helpful answer.
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