A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a very good male friend who is going through a divorce. We talk on the phone all the time, and one evening he asked me over to his "new place". I went and we wound up having sex. A couple nights later we had sex again. It was fantastic!! He has made it clear to me that it was the best sex he has ever had. Anyway, apparently he thinks his soon to be ex wife is checking his phone calls and he said he's afraid that she will find out we're talking and try to "screw" him. He has small children that his absolutely adores!!! Anyway, he said he wanted to stop the sex, didn't say for now, just said stop the sex. But has made it very clear that he wants us to be friends and continue talking. As a matter of fact he has called me twice today. I'm trying to figure out what he's thinking. Is he afraid to get into a relationship? Is he just waiting on the divorce to be final, because of the kids? I really like him and want to pursue a relationship with him. He is a really nice guy with a good head on his shoulders. He's also very honest and moral.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2007): Giving the guy the best sex of his life will not make him fall in love with you, lust maybe, but not love....give this guy a wide bearth, he is on the rebound, he is going through a divorce and no matter how much he knows this is the best thing, it is very painful and stressful, especially if there are kids involved...he isn't waiting until the divorce is final in my opinion, he is thinking with his head and doing what is best for him and you....it is too soon for him to start another relationship and you will wind up being his rebound relationship, used for sex and to patch up his failing ego...
If you care about the long term, then do as he says and don't sleep with him, be a friend if you must, but don't act as if you are his girlfriend, it will drive him away, and he will think avoiding you is justified....listen to his concerns, he is telling you he is not ready.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2007): Don't call him, anymore. Tie your hands to a chair..but don't pick up that darn phone. You are coming off needy and desperate. The problem is you had sex with him, your heart is now involved and you want more than a friendship. He's not doing that. Obviously, his heart isn't there yet. If it was, he'd be calling you several times a day. No guy's day is that busy, that he can't give the girl of his dreams, a quick 2 minute call on a break. He's is only viewing what you have as a friendship, so he's not feeling obligated to call you, hun. If he said he was going to call you, then you would know he means it...because he would be doing that. Look for other things to do. Distract yourself, get out of the house, go shopping, hang out with friends, let him know you have a life and you are having fun without him. I'll will even go so far as to say, date some other guy who is as good as his word. Date a guy who will call, when he says he will. That's the kind of quality man you want in your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, I broke down and text messaged him. I know I shouldn't have but I was getting a little ticked that he hadn't called back after he said he would.He text me back almost immediately, and he called back, but was at work and couldn't really talk. Now, I'm wondering if he's just being polite and not wanting to hurt my feelings. HELP!!
How long do I go between calls, if he don't call me I get irritated and want to know what's going on. I want to stay in touch for the simple reason he said he wants to be friends, but how much contact is too much contact right now?
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (21 August 2007):
 He likes you but he has enough going on in his head at the moment without another sexual relationship confusing him more. Sandman gave you good advice too, if his wife found out he was seeing you then he could stand to lose everything so just be patient and for now. He'll also still feel very responsible for his kids so he has a lot to think about just now and certainly doesn't need a relationship with you just now confusing things.
Continue to be his friend as I'm sure he'll need one if the divorce gets ugly. Be there for him on a more emotional level for now, let him see you like him for HIM and not just for his body. Once this is all over then the relationship can continue if you are both still keen, but for now just be patient. I wouldn' call him... let him get organised and call YOU! He will...... when he's ready.
Eve
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007): Your confusion stems from just your feelings and 'not' using rational thought. Stop with the confusion. That's allowing yourself to get needy when you have to use clarity and be strong. Confused feelings weaken a woman's resolve, especially when she has a right to ask him "what is going on?" He had sex with you and he told you he'd call you back but he hasn't. Obviously, sex has driven your heart here, and I must state that the number one rule for all you females to remember is: Sex does NOT necessarily drive the heart of many a man. We can't be sure with this 'married/separated' guy, of yours. So to be sure about what he's doing here I suggest you scrutinize his all 'actions' here. Because right now, that's all you can do, because he's not telling you himself what is going on, is he? I will say, men are much like us gals..they enjoy being happy. And if that means calling a woman they like a lot, just to hear her voice, nothing will pull a man away from calling her...absolutely nothing. Even a man in the throes of a divorce with a truckload of baggage to deal with, will touch base with a woman he cares about. So no matter how much you like him, if he doesn't have time in the next few days to pick up a phone and dial 7 digits, just to say hi to you..then you have to admit to yourself, it's probable that he's not all that interested in pursuing this further. My advice for now is: Do not call him...let him come to you. I know you 'feel and think' he is a really nice guy with a good head on his shoulders. And that he's also very honest and moral. But all I have to say is, if he's promised to call you and hasn't..then is that being honest, on his part? If he wanted to be with you and only you, he'd be calling, texting, emailing many times a day. If there is no phone call in the next 2days, I suggest you let this one go. Go find a less 'needier' man, who can give back to you, in the way you deserve. And my last piece of advice...don't have sex with them until you know for sure he's a 'keeper" and he won't forget you. Remember, you deserve a man in your life, who willing is able and can forget about the other things in his life, before he forgets about you.. Not this guy..he has waaay too much marriage/divorce baggage. Look after yourself, hun and be strong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for the answers I have gotten so far! I'm so confused about this whole situation. Yesterday, when he called, he said he would call back later, and I really thought he would, he's never not called back. But he never did, now I'm feeling like a tramp, and more confused than ever. Did he use me for sex? Is he just trying to keep me on a string, so I'll be around when he wants me? Or is he really waiting on the divorce to be final? I want to call him so bad, to try to figure out what he's thinking, but I don't know if I should. I don't want him to think that I'm pushing him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007): I think he's not prepared to rush into a relationship because he is 'still married to another woman' . This is not the smartest relationship decision, on both your parts and he's realizing this. Getting a divorce and ending a family/marriage is painful, complicated and an emotionally, stressful time, for most males.A man that has recently separated from his wife and is in the middle of divorce procedures, needs time to address the feelings of the marriage that has ended and where he goes on from there. This man is hedging because he knows he has no business jumping head on into another relationship with you. He did the right thing by you, telling you that there will be 'no more sex'. He knows full well, he is not in the mindset to date, relate, commit himself to and have sex with another female. Be friends with him...and when those papers are signed and the divorce is final..see where this leads. Take this one step at a time and respect his wishes to not have sex. And, please give him the space to deal with the struggles and anxieties, that go into attaining a divorce. Don't keep pursuing him romantically just yet. He's in pain, likely and he doesn't want to base a relationship with you, out his own needs and pain. That's not a healthy start to any good rtelationship. Also, in the legal sense, he does need to proceed with care and caution. Sometimes, a wife can become very distraught over another woman on the scene, especially if there are children involved and she still cares for this man. This could cause her a truckload of pain and the divorce could get very, very nasty. He knows that and he wants this process to likely go smoothly so his children don't suffer any more than they are, right now. Give him time. Just be a supportive friend and don't expect a lot, for now. Good luck, dear and take of yourself.
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male
reader, Sandman +, writes (21 August 2007):
 As a man who is also going through a divorce, I can kind of relate to what may be going on. I too have met new women but just hanging out and things like that. We as men have to be very careful of our actions when dealing with the courts on the divorce front - technically, he is STILL married. So any relationship that may develop between now and the final divorce decree can be looked upon as adultery and will be frowned upon when face to face with the judge. He stands to lose a lot more (especially with small children) if his wife founds out about you two. She can make inferences that YOU are the reason she is asking for (or the reason they are) getting a divorce. And if that's the case then it's possible that judge might grant her everything she asks for because it was him who was unfaithful. And this of course has nothing to do with the divorce itself, but if found out, can have everything to do with it.
So let it be. Just remain friends for now. He needs to settle the issues at hand and what he really needs is someone to be there for him when things get really bad. Not sexual but emotional. Divorce is ugly for all parties involved so just be a friend for now.
I haven't had sex with any of the women I've met for this very reason. I don't want my wife to attempt to use it against me in court. Don't let his wife use you against him in court.
Hope this helps.
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